phoebegirl
I have been tossing and turning all night.  I know I am grieving, I have been here before and I stayed in grief-land a long time.  Nine years and one week ago, I lost my husband of 22 years to a sudden and fatal heart attack in the middle of an icy and very cold winter night. At the time, my children were still living with me, my daughter expecting our first grand child, my middle son a Jr in high school, and my youngest was only 11.  Phoebe was 6 y.o.  I went to a very dark place in grief-land after his death.  I was in shock.  I had a lot on my plate.  Once a friend ask me "would it be easier if Pat had been sick and then died, instead of his sudden death?". I had no answer... I thought it was the dumbest question anyone could ask.  But know I do know.  While Pat past suddenly, Phoebe was sick.  She was simply aging as God intended and her body was aging with her.  I prepared everyday for the last year, that I could loose her and I had no control over it.  And there is the answer to the dumbest question, death is not easy no matter if its sudden or if its sickness.  There is no control, it is out of our hands.  It brings its friend grief and stays unwelcomed in our heart.  Sometimes it tries to empty our soul, so we cry at an unexpected moment, or we turn around and expect them to be there and their not, or the house is extremely quiet and the thought of them hurts.  Memories are bittersweet, we want to remember, but sometimes it hurts. I do know that I find so much comfort in writing here, visiting this site.  I can pour out what I am feeling without feeling like a burden and just simply grieve.  I know grief well, its never really left me.  For all us grieving, I want to say I am sorry, sorry we are here in this place, but glad we can share it together.  It will get better, time does heal it.  But it will never go away, once it has visited, it stays.  Even today, I can hear a song or smell springtime in the air and I think of Pat and sometimes cry.  Its because he lives in my heart.  The emptiness has been replaced with comfort in his memory and a wonderful gratefulness that I had such a good life while I was with him.  I know that one day the overpowering grief I am feeling now will turn into how lucky I was to have Phoebe in my life.  How lucky to have bonded with an animal that became my friend, my companion and part of my family.  So I am taking it hour by hour, then I hope it will become day by day...... and then eventually, the memories will bring a smile instead of tears.  Hugs to all of you who are grieving with me over the loss of your baby.....I am grateful that we are here for each other. 
Phoebegirl's Mom

always in my heart... never to be forgotten. xoxoxoxoxo
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nelsondonna001
I am so sorry for your losses.  My Dad  passed of a massive heart attack in 2005 and then we lost my brother 5 months later (he was only 63).    My Mom went a year later.  Shadow came to live with me a few months later as my sister-in-law had to move and there was no way you could make Shadow into an indoor kitty.  He was with us five years and I think he saved my sanity as I was so lost and full of grief.  He was so special and I truly believe he was my connection to my loved ones in Heaven (especially my brother).  The last two years were up and down with health issues and last January we finally had to let him go.   I still feel him around and take comfort knowing he is back with my brother but I will always miss him.   I have wonderful memories that keep me going but there are days when the loneliness is overwhelming.  My faith keeps me going and I look forward to a wonderful reunion in Heaven some day and know that Shadow will be there too.
Donna Nelson
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phoebegirl
Thank you for sharing your story with me.  I am glad that your grief has moved you to another level.  They will always be with us and their memories can make us smile and sometimes cry at the same moment.  Hugs to you.
Phoebegirl's Mom

always in my heart... never to be forgotten. xoxoxoxoxo
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