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Ali

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Reply with quote  #1 
We had to put our little Cinnamon, a long haired mini dachshund. down 2 weeks ago. I think I am going through terrible grief. At first, I was numb and in shock. I had to put feelings on the backburner in order to make it through the work week. In the meantime, I made some photo collages, and that was helpful. Now, this weekend, I feel like I have been hit by a tsunami of overwhelming grief and loss. I can't stop crying, hyperventalating. I've been having rageful outbursts towards family members. I am really at a loss for how to live with out her.
We had her for 17 years. I picked her out when I was in 6th grade. My childhood was somewhat chaotic but she was always there, through it all, full of love.
We new she was sick and we had her seeing a vet oncologist. I was weary about giving her the chemo pills and watched her eventually deteriorate after getting placed on all kinds of 'medicine'. I have regrets that we did not take the natural route insted of having her take pills that made her ill and having her poked regularly at the vet. I know she was in pain and that we needed to end it, but after 17 years, I would have liked to have a smoother farewell for her. Instead, we were panicked after she was up crying all night. It was the weekend and we did not have any vets we knew available, we did not have a good plan. I just wish we could have made decisions more calmly. I wanted her to be able to pass away at home in bed. But we had to take her to a place she was not comfortable. I just miss her so much. I don't know how I am going to get through this. It seems like most people aside from my mother and best friend think the grief should be gone by now. I wish I knew how to deal with the guilt of not providing her a better transition. I wish we had evidence of the continuation of our pets spirits after they pass. Sorry for ramblings..this is one of the first times I've put my thoughts together. Thanks.
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rrawson

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Reply with quote  #2 
please read visit from nico,very moving story ,it helped me. and yes i believe the spirit lives on. im truly sory for your loss
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josie

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Reply with quote  #3 

I am so sorry for your loss. I know how you feel... It is never easy. Your feelings are completely normal. Hope you feel better soon.

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shmoobear

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Reply with quote  #4 
Ali, I'm so sorry for your loss.....let me first say that it's only been two weeks. You had your precious Cinnamon in your life for 17 years....don't listen to anyone who says that you should be "over it". I know how badly it hurts. The grief and emptiness feel like a tidal wave that just keeps coming.

I lost my 11 year old Siberian Husky, Dakota, 6 weeks ago today. Sundays are extremely hard for me now. I can tell you that the feelings do change....but I can't say that I'm anywhere near being great. At week 2, the rawness is still there....for me the tears were still flowing constantly, and the shock had really not worn off yet. Now at week 6, I feel a cloud of sadness most of the time....but I'm more open to comforting feelings that assure me Dakota is o.k..

I know how hard it is to process the feelings about how our loved ones had to leave on their journey. Like you, we also had to make the decision to let Dakota go. It was very sudden for us...he wasn't sick, and then one day he wasn't feeling well. The next morning we could tell something was wrong, brought him to the ER and found out he had an aggressive cancer and masses all over his body. He would never recover, and we had to send him on his journey. It was so sudden, I truly felt like I had been hit by a truck. The only thing I can say to you is that it is the 17 years you spent with Cinnamon, the time together that made up her life...those are the things she took with her. I really believe that the last few hours of their lives are not what is carried over. It's all the love that you shared.

Unfortunately there is no way around the gut wrenching grief....we just have to go through it. I wish you peace, and know that everyone here understand what you are going through.
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gscakes

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Reply with quote  #5 

I am deeply sorry for your loss.  It has been 1 week Friday since we lost our Sophie. I cry all the time about everything.   I think we just have to have faith that we will see our beloved again.  It is the only thing keeping me going everyday.  I think of her face when she sees me at Rainbow Bridge and how she would smile when I came home.  I ddin't have to be gone more than a few minutes and her face would light up with her big smile and she would wag her entire back end with excitement.  I miss her soo much, but I know in my heart I will be with her again.  I don't know when the pain will be better for you, or me, but my prayers will be with you and all the others that are going through this horrible pain. 

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JoeysMom

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Reply with quote  #6 
Dear Ali~
Don't let your friends opinions about how long you should grieve get to you-- it's two months today since I lost my Joey, and I'm still crying every day, although I'm down to once a day for about five minutes. After two weeks I was barely functioning! You had Cinnamon through major life-changes-- from childhood to adolescence to adulthood. How could you not be feeling these waves of grief and dispair? Somebody told me that putting a fur-baby down isn't something we do TO them, but something we do FOR them. It was of great comfort to me.
Please visit this forum a lot; I love how people reach out to others through their own pain. Post pictures of Cinnamon so we can see her beautiful face!
On Joey's memorial page I've posted some beautiful poems that other's have sent me- please check them out.
Take care~ Cath

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http://rainbowsbridge.com/residents/JOEY028/Resident.htm
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Mackie

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Reply with quote  #7 
Ali, Ali, Ali,
 
Your post spoke to me so strongly.  Before I get into why, let me say how truly sorry I am for your loss.  It has only been such a short time for you -however long it takes for you to grieve is however long it takes for you to grieve, period.  This forum and the chatroom have been very helpful for me in terms of talking to others who understand. 
 
I am here to tell you that you could not have done any better for your Cinnamon's transition.  I, too, wanted a smoother farewell for my Boomer.  We knew the time would come and I had made plans with my vet to come to the house and put him down at the first sign of a limp (he had a bone tumor and a limp meant that soon the bone would break.  Of course, we wanted to spare him that kind of pain).  Boomer never limped -- he even ran around the day before he left us.  I was getting ready for work when he jumped up on the chair to watch me blow dry my hair, as he did every morning.  He lost his footing and the leg broke -- it was awful.  My vet was on her way to teach and too far away, so I had to put him in the box, in the car and bring him to the place he feared most, the vet's office.  Everything I didn't want for him at the end is what happened.  He deserved so much better.  In my mind, I know there was nothing I could have done to make things different, but in my gut I still feel so awful about it all.  It will be 7 weeks tomorrow and I have just started to let go of that.  Instead, I cry more just about missing him here.  Anyway, my point is that, even if you had planned, it might not have worked out the way you had hoped.  Please do not focus on the guilt -- think about all the years you two had to love each other. 
 
Please be well,
Mackie
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Ali

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Reply with quote  #8 
Thank you all! It really helps to have the support of people who know what it's like. I found more pictures to sort through, that is keeping me busy! I'm hangin in there! Letting the floodgates of tears out...since it's Sunday and I can! For all you others who share stories of sadness and missing, my heart is with you. I'll upload some on Cinny soon. I think people who are on this site have hearts of gold. Compassion for furry babies and humans! The ability to love so much is such a gift!

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gscakes

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Reply with quote  #9 

Mother's day was a very difficult day for me.  As we were heading to my son's I couldn't get the image of my Sophie sitting in the back seat with her head to the window watching every passing car.  We never have gone anywhere without my beloved Sophie so the tears wouldn't stop.  Does anyone else have the problem of doing the everyday things without your babies become nearly impossible feats.  Something as ordinary as going out for the paper makes me cry without my Sophie.  She was my shadow and now the sun won't shine because my shadow is gone.  I sleep with her ducky she loved and a piece of rawhide she would carry around with her.  I know I am all over the place with my writings, but I just have to get it out.  You are the only people that truley understand the pain I have and don't keep saying get over it.  Blessings to everyone and their Babies.

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Mackie

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Reply with quote  #10 
gscakes,
 
To answer your question, yes, I have a difficult time with the everyday things.  I recently put up a post saying how I expected to see my Boomer at the door when I pulled in the driveway and then I remembered.  All I was thinking at that moment was I would have done ANYTHING to see him when I walked in the door.  It's so very painful.
 
It's 7 weeks for me today...Last week, for whatever reason, was very, very difficult.  I feel like I just now might have gotten over the worstof it, but I know something will likely set me off again.  Anyway, that's what this board is for -- talking with others who understand.  Hope today is a better day for you...
 
Mackie
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josie

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Reply with quote  #11 
gcakes,
I too feel like I lost my shadow and my companion. I live alone and I miss him terribly. I look at the grass where he use to roll and scratch his back...etc..etc. I also wish I had made his transition better than I did. see other post. Every single word expressed and shared on this board helps me Ali, I had forgotton that he is on his journey. I am holding on to my memories. Each day is hard and I hope it gets easier as I go along. Owning a dog is such a blessing and a responsibility.I am not sure if I can do it again. I did not expect him to get so sick at 10 yrs old. I am rambling.... Blessings to everyone.
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Krista

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Reply with quote  #12 
Hi Ali,
I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved Cinnamon. Don't let anyone tell you that you should be over it. I think it gets easier, but I don't think you ever will stop missing your baby. It has been only 3 weeks since my dog, Clancey, passed away and the last three weeks have been a haze. Some days it feels like things are getting worse and some days aren't quite as hard. The thing that has helped me most is visiting this forum, sharing stories and reading stories. I don't think that many can understand our feelings but everyone here does. Wishing you peace,
Krista

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MagzMom

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Reply with quote  #13 
Ali,

I am sorry for your loss.  Don't let anyone tell you when you need to be "done grieving". There is no magic pills and no set amount of time.  I have people at work say to me, you need to talk to someone, you should be feeling happier by now.  I tell them, not to worry about me and thank them for their concern.  I think to myself....how can they know the depth of my sorrow?  I had my Maggie for nearly 17 years, just like your sweet Cinnamon. It's a bond a relationship, like no other.  It leaves us empty and lost without it.  We are all suffering in these forums, we are hurting, and there is no solution.  Take comfort as I do here, that you are not alone, and that we all share the joy of having had time with furry babies that truly put such joy into our lives.  How could we not be devastated by their loss?  Take your time, cry when you need to and know that I cry with you.  Stay strong Ali, you are among people here who get how you feel.....literally.
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