I am a mess. It has been 48 hours since my sweet boy was lead to the rainbow bridge. I have not stopped crying since. I miss him so much. I worry, did I do the right thing. Will he forgive me when we meet again. I met my sweet angel 11 years ago when I met his dad, my now husband. He was 2.5 all teenage energy. He was a 90 lb pit mix whose entire goal in life was to see if he could kiss you to death. The moment I met him he tackled me, kissed me for what seemed like an hour and never left my side again. He had my heart instantly, long before his dad did!
He was a huge pile of love. But he was not without his quirks. A dignified dog he never did like things that made him vulnerable, baths were especially humiliating for him. He had the most confident walk I had ever seen. Head up, eyes ahead, marching with purpose. He was an imposing dog, handsome and strong (some might have even said scary looking just due to his size). But I knew your secret Taz, you were just a giant marshmallow wrapped in that big body. He loved affection but you could only scratch his head, ears, chin and chest. Anywhere else and he would walk away. Hated the vet, never cared for being fussed over when he was sick or injured and don't even try to sneak a pill into anything. He was on to you.
Years went by. His dad and I married, bought a house and became a family. Then it was time for Taz to have a companion and when he was five we got little Daisy. Oh people wondered, your going to get a puppy with that big dog, but he was so patient with her. Taught her everything she knows.
Then we added another human to the pack. Oh how he adored her. Watched his baby where ever she went. I did not even need a baby monitor with her. He slept outside her room when she slept and came and got me if she woke.
When I lost the next baby he did not leave me for 3 days. Just laid next to me and let me cry into his fur. And kissed me endlessly to let me know he was there for me.
Finally, last year we had another baby, our boy. By now Taz's hearing had gone. Though he tried desperately to care for his new baby it was hard for him. He tried to sleep in the baby's room but would phantom hear and bark and wake the baby. He would look at me so confused when I would lead him out of the room and close the door when the baby slept.
Last winter was so hard on his old joints. I could not wait for the summer so he could lay in the sun all day as he always loved to do. Except he didn't. He would pace and bark until he could go back to his bed. Nights sitting out talking to neighbors, normally his favorite as he was always a people dog, he paced in circles until you let him in. His eyes getting cloudy. I would often find him standing, just staring at the floor for long periods of time. The stairs got harder and harder, he starting falling when going up them. He lost control of his bowels in recent months. He always looked embarassed, it was undignified. His much loved long walks turned into just blocks. The endless kisses gave way to one little kiss. His proud head now just stared at the floor when he walked.
All old age, nothing catastrophic. I know he was in great pain, I could see his struggle to stand and loosen his joints. I feared another winter. Knowing he would be in pain, knowing he would be house bound. His spark was already fading, the last three weeks I could see how tired he had become. How confused and stressed he was. How sad he seemed. How little he enjoyed things anymire.
I called our vet and she came to see him. She said he was old and these things are normal and yes his days were numbered and yes he was in pain. She said we could do some things to make him more comfortable and make it more tolerable for him maybe. Daily steriods...which also bring regular blood tests. Seperating him in an area by himself so the chaos of a house with little kids did not stress him. Diapers.
It was then we decided no, it is time. Pills, tests - my boy never liked the fuss, didn't like to be messed with. Seperate, isolated - he was never away from his family ever, he lived to be near us. Diapers - undignified.
We held him, kissed him and said goodbye. I could not handle the thought of having to carry him out to use the bathroom, he would have not wanted that.
Maybe we could have had a few more months but would they have been months he would have enjoyed.
I miss he so much. He once saved me life (a man grabbed me from behind while out for a walk one day -big mistake buddy I had my guardian with me) and now I have taken his. I feel guilty and lost.
Thank you for reading about my Taz. I love you forever handsome boy.
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I'm so sorry for your loss, last year I had a little girl going through some of the same things, but with a heart condition added into it.  You can comfort yourself knowing that you gave him the best life he could have had, filled with all the love in your heart. I understand it's still hard to let them go but you ended his suffering and I'm sure he loved you even more for that.

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You've painted such a picture of your so beautiful boy Taz, I feel as though I'd known him.  A "giant marshmallow" I know what you mean.  Old age is so cruel, and often so painful,  and the strength of our love is measured by our ability to release our beloved ones from this pain even though ours just begins.
You made the right decision and you might have had Taz for some more time but he would have been suffering and you wouldn't want that.
I'm so sorry for your loss and send you warm thoughts of healing.


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what a beautiful, heartfelt tribute you have written to your beloved Taz.

He had a long, wonderful life with you and your family until old age robbed him of his ability to perform everyday functions and more importantly it took away his enjoyment of life.

Bless you for putting his need to rest above your need to have him in your life. That is a true testament of your love. Please don't second guess your decision. I am sure if Taz could talk he would have asked you to let him go. You have no need to ask forgiveness.

I had to make that same decision several months ago. I totally understand how difficult it is. I felt the agony and loneliness that you are feeling today. Your loss is so recent. Now you must take the time you need to grieve.

Time is the only thing that brings you to an acceptance of the euthanasia. With a little more perspective I can look back now and know that I did the right thing. In time you will be at peace with it too. I have done a great deal of reading about pet loss and can share that all these feelings including the doubt and guilt are normal. The raw pain and grief of the early days are so difficult and the logical, rational parts of our brains take a backseat to those painful emotions.

Mourn your loss for as long as you need. There is no timetable. It is a long road fille with twists and turns but I want to tell you it does get easier. Grief changes form over time. Give Daisy some extra love.
My thoughts are with you today.

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Thanks for sharing about Taz. I hope that one day you will post a picture of him. So sorry for your loss.
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What a beautiful post, i too feel like i knew him now.  I cant really offer any words of wisdom, but only to say, that he will be waiting for you, dont doubt that.  I have the same issues myself, wondering if Bess will forgive me for making that decision.  I am not yet there, but hope to be, like yourself, very soon.  I cried a river, many rivers, and still do....but i found my "slight cure" from the grief with our Tilly....a new puppy we got shortly after.  She too went to our Bailey (a big gentle Golden Retriever) when she was just the size of half my arm!  He was her person, and still is.  She's lying next to him now whilst he is riddled with cancer at just 6 years old.  We will perhaps go through another loss fairly soon.  I am doing all i can to prevent this, and that is all i think about.  Life without those we lost is sometimes unbearable; dont think you are alone.  Manjack has described the feelings of guilt and doubtso well and its so true.  It will become easier for us as time goes on....and it will take however long it takes.

You are in my thoughts.  Rest in peace Taz.
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Oh Mama IndigoLori, to answer your questions right away:  Yes, you did the right thing, and Yes, your loving Taz will not only "forgive you" but he will ask, what do you need to be forgiven for?  You saved him from a fate that you know he would not want; that's exactly what you did.     

I am with you, Lori, that our animal children deserve their dignity, and for some, it is one of the strongest personality traits, as it is / was for your Taz.   Like you, I have always placed so much importance on their dignity, and I always tried to downplay anything that might happen that would put that at risk.  I so respect your decision, and the timing of it.  You are suffering terribly and in deep sorrowful pain, but you would not have been able to live with yourself if you had used "extraordinary measures" just to keep Taz with you a few more weeks.   The guilt would have not been lessened.  :(

If there is anything I have learned here it is that "better too soon, than too late"  -- that is the universal truth, even though the decision feels like the world (and your heart)  just crashed into a million pieces. 

Taz, the doggie baby monitor (love it) got a real winner in heaven, when he exploded though those gates. 

Hold on, hold tight, keep the faith, and please accept my sincere condolences for the loss of your handsome, gorgeous, loving forever dog, Taz.

I stand with you today, and hold you and Taz in my heart. 
Grace xox

"Now that the time has come
 Soon gone is the day,
 There upon some distant shore
 You will hear me say,
 Long as the day in the summer time
 Deep as the wine-dark sea,
 I'll keep your heart with mine
 Till you come to me"  (LM)

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Hi Lori, Your wonderful story of Taz made me cry. What an amazing dog- so loving and caring. It is so hard to see our babies grow old. I lost my dog Leo a little over 2 weeks ago- he was almost 15. When you were describing how Taz would let you cry into his fur it made me think of my baby. He saw me through a divorce, and the deaths of my little brother and my fiancée. He was always there snuggled at my side or licking my tears. I can tell from your story what a well loved dog Taz was. He was an adored and contributing part of your family (I love how he babysat). It was so brave of you and so loving to let him keep his dignity and to relieve his suffering. Don't ever think you did wrong by him. You gave him the most precious gift you could-Peace. Thank you for sharing his story. I will hold you and Taz in my heart.  ~Larchana
Larchana Behrends
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