Ladygeekface
Almost three weeks ago, I had to make the decision to put my cat, Daria, to sleep. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, and I'm still not even sure what went so wrong.

My Daria was the sweetest cat. She loved everyone she met, the technicians at the vet even came in to see her whether they were working with her or not. She was always climbing and playing. Sometimes it got to be annoying, but she was full of energy. Of course, she was only one, barely beginning her life.

Somehow, my baby girl injured her pelvis while I was gone for a weekend. My dad was checking in, but doesn't know her enough to notice that something was amiss. When I returned home, I noticed she was walking funny. She didn't seem in pain so I made a mental note to check again when we woke up. The next day, she wasn't walking any better and she had started to urinate while walking around on my bed. It was too late to go to the vet, so I worriedly cleaned up the bed and laid down with her on a towel. At the vet the next day, I was told that she had a fractured pelvis, chronic constipation and a bladder infection from not using the bathroom. She had lost all control of her bowels and partial control of her back legs. Daria was given anti-inflammatory meds and antibiotics.

So, I bought her some diapers and learned how to properly express her bladder every day. Though she wasn't eating or drinking still. Back to the vet we went, where we got fluids injected and some expensive steroids to help with appetite. I gave her her medicine, expressed her bladder, and gave her water with a syringe every day. She began to eat on her own again. A month after the injury, everything seemed like it was going to be okay. She was eating and drinking normally. Her gait was almost normal. She still had no bladder control, but I didnt really mind helping. I started letting her sleep in the bed again. I cannot say how much I regret this.

One morning while we were still in bed, Daria rolled over too far and began to fall off the bed. She grabbed at a pillow, but it fell with her. Her walking was bad again - worse than before. I still feel terrible about letting her back in bed with me. I don't know if it would have turned out any better, but I feel like I should have done better. I just wanted my baby to be happy. She couldn't run or play or climb but I at least wanted to let her sleep by my side. It was heartbreaking watching her be reduced to almost being crippled after she had been so full of life and energy.

I made her a new appointment with her veterinarian, and we went back in. They gave her a steroid shot and told me to wait and watch.

She went back to barely eating and drinking. Days later, she developed tremors in her head. We went back to the vet on Friday and got blood work and fluids. She seemed to have an infection, so she got antibiotics as well. The vet thought that it could be an infection in the injury or dehydration causing the tremors. I was told worst case scenario, it was nerves deteriorating and that it could eventually reach her brain.

Saturday, she had tremors throughout her body. I knew it wasn't a good sign. I held her all morning and fought back my tears. My boyfriend and I left briefly to run an errand and go to the store. I put her in her bed in the empty spare room that had become her bedroom. When we got home, she was sprawled in the middle of the room covered in pee. Her pupils were huge and she didn't seem to understand me. As I was trying to clean her, she licked and the bit me.. then went into a seizure.

I called my emergency vet line and was told to take her to a local all-night weekend hospital. She had another seizure in the time it took me to get off the phone. My boyfriend and I took her to the emergency clinic where she was sedated and given fluids through an IV. The vet there was at a loss to a reason why she was having seizures now. I left her there overnight so she could be treated.

Sunday, I talked to the vet who told me she'd had four more seizures during the night. Daria was having to be kept in a dark cage, heavily sedated to avoid triggering another seizure. The vet asked me to come in later that day.

As I got to the vet, a technician took me back to visit with Daria. My cat was so heavily sedated, she didnt even know I was there. I was scared to talk to her too much, lest I break down or cause another seizure. I stayed there just for petting her for awhile, wishing things were different.

The veterinarian asked to see me in his office. My boyfriend and I went in and were told that she seemed to have had mini-strokes. These strokes had caused enough brain damage that she was having the seizures now. The brain damage was irreversible. My baby girl was gone. He advised euthanasia, and I agreed. I couldn't keep her alive like that. It wasn't fair.

Someone brought my boyfriend and I into a room, and then brought Daria in for us to say goodbye. I was too emotional to speak, so I just kept petting her. I don't think she ever recognized I was there. The veterinarian came back with someone and asked if I was ready. I held her, sobbing, as they used medication to stop her heart, and then as they checked to make sure it had stopped beating.

They left my boyfriend and I alone with her after, and I just broke.. I held her lifeless body to me as I cried in despair.. as my boyfriend cried with his arms around me. At some point, he left to give me a moment and pay the hospital. I sobbed through a goodbye and then she was gone..

There hasn't been a day since when I haven't thought of her. I've not stopped crying since I started writing this out. I feel her absence in every corner of my apartment. My other cat feels it too. He's been needy and more vocal since she's been gone. We miss her so much. I can still remember the feeling of her licking my face.. of her fur under my fingers.. of her purr as we cuddled. I never expected it to hurt this bad.

Rest in peace, Daria. We love you. 💜

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Tankie12
I’m soo sorry! What a beautiful girl she is and what a wonderful mommy you are. I know how devastated you are. You can rest assured you did everything right. You got her the care she needed and followed through to the end. Maybe she still had some underlying/permanent medical issues that caused her to fall off the bed. Their balance is normally sharper than that sounds like. Taking her to bed was just a loving gesture, don’t regret it. Grief is harsh, and can be very lonely, I’m glad your boyfriend understands. Never hesitate to come here to write about your feelings, there are so many loving kind people here who understand, take care of you,,,,,
Lynn, Tankie’s mom, forever
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Ladygeekface
I appreciate the kind words. I just really needed to get it all out and try to turn to happier thoughts.. like remembering her good days.
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Shortnsassy87
Having to make that decision is one of the hardest and most selfless things I’ve ever had to do in my life. The fact that you made the decision to let her go to stop her suffering, even though you would hurt from the loss, shows your love. I second what Tankie told you; you have nothing to regret, your actions were based on love. Though having said that, I have never read a single post on here where the writer did not express regret and guilt in their first post. These feelings are a natural part of the grief process. I think we always ask ourselves if there was something we missed, we did, or could have done differently to change the outcome. I believe the answer to that question is no. We all did the best we could with the information we had available, and every decision was made with love. Our babies know that. I’m 2 1/2 months into my loss, and it hadn’t gotten better at all. I don’t know when it stop feeling like I’m shattered inside. I talk to Beowulf daily so he knows how much I miss him and still love him...I hope he hears me.
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Tankie12
Shortnsassy87 wrote:
Having to make that decision is one of the hardest and most selfless things I’ve ever had to do in my life. The fact that you made the decision to let her go to stop her suffering, even though you would hurt from the loss, shows your love. I second what Tankie told you; you have nothing to regret, your actions were based on love. Though having said that, I have never read a single post on here where the writer did not express regret and guilt in their first post. These feelings are a natural part of the grief process. I think we always ask ourselves if there was something we missed, we did, or could have done differently to change the outcome. I believe the answer to that question is no. We all did the best we could with the information we had available, and every decision was made with love. Our babies know that. I’m 2 1/2 months into my loss, and it hadn’t gotten better at all. I don’t know when it stop feeling like I’m shattered inside. I talk to Beowulf daily so he knows how much I miss him and still love him...I hope he hears me.


He does😌
Lynn, Tankie’s mom, forever
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