It's been nearly 2 days since I had to put my special girl Willow to sleep, the pain is unbearable, she was only 7 and we'd had her since she was a tiny puppy. I battled for over 2 months to save her life after she was diagnosed with IBD and protein losing enteropathy and I can't quite believe she left me here...

I'm so angry, sad and guilt ridden, before she started treatment you wouldn't have thought anything was wrong with her apart from the diarrhoea, did the treatment speed all of this up? did the medication kill her? I tried sooo hard.

I constantly feel sick, I can barely eat. She was admitted to hospital for the second time (the first time they diagnosed concurrent pancreatitis) last Thursday as she was very weak from muscle wastage from the steroids and couldn't climb the stairs or jump on the sofa or bed, had had two black poo's overnight and her adomen had swollen a bit again. I'd whisked her out of the house so fast that morning she never had time to say goodbye to her brother who himself has been battling a mast cell tumour for the last 3 years. It never crossed my mind that she would never come back.

I'd been getting daily phone updates as the specialists is an hour drive from us and I work full time. I feel guilty that I didn't go to see her daily, she must have been so scared and confused.

The phone call Monday morning was the worst, they believed she'd developed a small tear in her intestines that was leaking and/or had some sort of infection. I demanded to bring her home, In my mind I thought if I took her off the meds we could live with the diarrhoea. The medic wasn't impressed and said if I brought her home she would decline rapidly, I asked what more they could do if I left her in their care and she said to come see her and think of the kindest thing. I hung up on her and broke my heart.

The journey was horrific. I had a terrible knot in my stomach and knew this was going to be it. We were taken into an office and were told she had declined even more in the 90 mins since the phone call. She was very weak and could no longer get up and had developed sepsis. The medic explained they could operate to try and repair the hole but there were no guarantees. She asked if I wanted to see her.

Walking into that room was a reality check, there were people and sick dogs everywhere It was like some sort of ER with machines beeping and tubes everywhere. Willow was in an open kennel at floor level with a nurse kneeling on the floor giving her oxygen. The nurse moved away and me and my sister knelt down beside her, she lifted her head when I greeted her but it didn't stay up for long, it was bad. I kissed and stroked her and told her I and everyone else loved her. Her breathing was laboured, she was covered in bruises from all the needles, had pads on her paws and a tube coming out of her hind leg. She looked rashy and was very swollen, I turned to the medic and said there's no way out of this is there, she shook her head. I knew what had to be done. We stayed with her right to the end kissing, stroking and hugging her. I truly believe she went just before you know what and am trying to comfort myself by telling myself she hung on for me. 

Now I just feel empty. Why or how did all of this come about? why didn't she respond to the treatment? She was on 4 different medications, had had multiple blood tests, b12 injections, ultrasounds and an endoscopy. Why did I put her through all of that? Why didn't I just cherish the time I had left with her? To be honest I don't think I really accepted how bad the situation was in the beginning and thought I could fix her. How long had this been going on before the first symptom reared it's ugly head? Why did she leave me? Why did she give up? So many unanswered questions...I miss you so much princess, sleep tight my beautiful darling, until we meet again.

I can't post a photo it says the file is too big, she was gorgeous.

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Willow was so loved by you and you know animals do get it. You did more than your best to help her and very sorry vets couldn't get her to rally. Been there many times. I had to put my beautiful cat to sleep on a recent Monday then go back to work as short handed. Hard to work when you hurt so very bad. My coworker came in and asked what's wrong. Very glad he's such a great guy and understood. His saying " I've three cats no rats. We have rats bad here last few years. Cats rule when it comes to that. My poor Katia gets frustrated as she can't fit in tight spaces like a cat.
I know about loss of appetite too as hit me hard. If I was overweight not so bad but need the calories. So don't feel so great at times. Try a milkshake and protein drinks which I seem to get down more. Have trouble sleeping at night as Timber was always in my lap.
Again so sorry and I do know you did your best and more. People care here. Please take care.
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I'm so sorry, Tracey. It hurts so, so, so badly to not be able to save them. We hold onto hope just as long as we can and then the loss is devastating. My heart goes out to you very, very much.   The early part of grieving is far past hideous. Be gentle with yourself while everything is so raw. Drinking smoothies helped while I couldn't eat.

Wishing you comfort upon comfort and sending lots of hugs and tissues!
-Missing Marissa deeply
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My heart goes out to you. So much to go through. You obviously the best you could for your Willow.Don't beat yourself up over that. And don't second guess it. I lost my dog of 12 years 2weeks ago, and he was on so many meds as well. The Predisone made his stomach swell, and he was breathing really fast. He was really weak in the end and was collapsing, and wasn't eating. It's torture to watch, and it takes a while to get over those thoughts as well.
I was like you, and couldn't eat. I felt sick to my stomach. I agree with the other posts, and recommend smoothies, or protein shakes. Try to be good to yourself, and get as much rest as you can. And writing out your feelings here help as well. We all have gone through similar losses and fiercely loved our pets, and are experiencing heartache from their loss. You are not alone. Take care Tracey.
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Thank you all for your comforting words. After 4 days of a couple forced packet of crisps and a handful of grapes I managed to eat a sandwich! It wasn't pleasent but was needed. I've been writing a very long and what I plan to be continuous letter to my baby girl which I've added to daily, it's bringing me small chunks of release when I write in the book to her. I had a courtesy call from our specialist vet yesterday offering condolences as she wasn't there when the time came, I blubbed and thought she was going to cry too. I also had a card from my local vet today which was nice. I've been informed willows ashes are ready to be collected, I can't wait to have her home. Taking each day as it comes now.
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