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Michelemh

It is true. No one understands. Some people don't even ask after the initial conversation! I have one friend who asks often. Especially people who never had pets don't understand. At least people with pets have an understanding if they were a caring owner. This happens when people lose family members also. I have a friend who lost his wife this year and people think he is over it and not upset anymore. It is unbelievable. I don't think we ever get over these losses. I hope one day to have a dog that I can love again. I hope to have a similar relationship. But they are all so different. Mine was a once in a lifetime perfect dog. At least perfect for me.

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Gucci
Jim - Yes, transitions are a notoriously difficult passage, and the fading attention of others around you is very common. I knew from previous experiences and observation that it was highly unrealistic to expect others to understand what I was going through, so I was  
very selective about who even found out about Sammi. My colleagues knew about it, but with the exception of one who's a true animal lover, I didn't discuss how I felt at all.
It's true that our entire world has been altered, as have we, in the aftermath of such a loss, and I agree that bottling up the grief is highly counter-productive. Having the support of this forum in coming to terms with the intensity of your emotions, adjusting to the upheaval of a new routine, and doing so without feeling the pressure to minimize the grief, is invaluable!

James - It is hurtful to feel somewhat dismissed when talking about Marmalade to those who are uncomfortable with the depth of your grief. It's very common for most people to be extremely ill at ease when it comes to death/dying/grieving. What matters is to find people who truly support you, and who can understand what you're going through.

Michelemh - It's just so tough to lose a companion who was a 'once in a lifetime' fit - my deepest condolences. I don't believe we ever 'get over' such a loss; I think we just learn to live with it, and if at some point we feel ready to connect again (be it with an animal or human), then that's the next step. Until then, we do our best, and strengthen ourselves with good support. There are some days when I feel really good, and then I'll have moments of such overwhelming heaviness. Being with like-minded people who can relate absolutely makes a difference.  
 
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chilover
Jim..

I understand about your choice for Abbey Glenn, you wanted Shelby to be in the most beautiful of places & with your other two..I hope that your visit will be somewhat tranquil, peaceful & brings you comfort..

I saw a border collie last week and stroked it and spoke to the owners. I thought of you and your Shelby!

I have experienced my support network getting smaller too. Although some people in our lives tell us they understand they really don't. The only people who truly truly understand are the wonderful people on these forums & the people who answer the telephone's on the pet loss lines...When I lost my Daisy I was afraid to reach out to people because I felt a burden & I didn't want my extreme sadness to affect them & in addition to that I didn't want my own feelings being trampled on because somewhere down the line they would say something that would upset me & I was and still am far too vulnerable. Over the past 2 weeks I have had numerous people say to me - 'you should get another', 'are you over your little princess yet' & 'someone like you could give another a loving home'...These comments really hurt my feelings & my heart was absolutely crushed, although they meant well, I felt like it was disrespectful to my Daisy's memory! She is far far too special to be replaced. She has only been gone for 3 months and to them it is out of sight out of mind, when at the same time I am crying every single day because of the fact that she isn't here...

I know lots of people will feel awful over the xmas hols & understand your reasons about your xmas decoration situation. I won't be putting up my tree this year, I cannot face it...

I have had a few positive things happen to me lately through my Daisy which I will write about soon, but also took 1 step forward & 2 back recently after going in one of my cupboards & her adoption papers and letter fell out on the floor & it said 'I hope that you & Daisy have many wonderful years together. I fell to my knees crying, shocked, wishing that I c ould have that day back & re live it all over again.

I hope that your visit to Abbey Glen will uplift you & bring a sense of peace & I agree about the pet cemeteries being much nicer than ours...Like animals are good for the soul, places of nature are too

Your 3 babies will will be proud of you..

Angelina
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LauriP92
Jim the place sounds so peaceful and what a wonderful place for you to be able to visit. I hope you are able to smile a bit as you remember how much joy Shelby brought you at your visit
Lauri
Lauri 
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BorderCollieLover
James:

 Thank You so much.  I think all of us in this Forum have already experienced a breakdown in support over the course of the 1st few weeks (or months). It's inevitable. People are just so fixated on their own lives that it's a burden to hear about our losses - no matter how significant. No doubt about it, most people are uncomfortable hearing about death. I think their own level of comfort is compromised and they tell us things like "go out and get another pet, You're not over this by now? Get a grip and move on ( I hate that phrase)." I can see their levels of anxiety surfacing and this is their way of "trying to fix things." You don't fix grief. There isn't an ON and OFF switch. You learn to live with it and the intensity will lighten over time. I know that losing your beloved Marmalade was a tragedy. Yet, you persevered and have made a giant leap forward in you healing journey. 
You made the wise decision to come to this Forum and help other people who understand your pain. Your input is invaluable and a big help to me and everyone else. 

Wishing You Much Peace,

Jim
 
Jim Miller
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BorderCollieLover
Angelina:

  I was really moved by your post. I can hear (and see) the sincerity in  your writing. So glad  that you got to visit with a Border Collie. Someone once said to me "Border Collies are kind of stand-offish, they're not affectionate dogs, right? " Wrong. Border Collies are extremely affectionate and loving after they get to know you. My Shelby used to sit on my lap in the car. When she was younger she would dive (yes dive) off the top of our big chair in the living room right onto my chest (I was about 2.5 feet below) as I was laying on the couch. She was just trying to bond with her human counterpart (her person). They are magnificent creatures. I feel so blessed to have had her. I didn't own Shelby - she owned me. 

Your heartfelt description of being overcome with grief when you looked at Daisy's adoption papers is certainly understandable. I really completely get it. I also kind of lose it when I look at Shelby's pictures right now. I am not able to post them online. Too painful. Maybe, sometime later I can, but right now - I can't. 

I'm so sorry to hear that you have been experiencing the dreaded "Move ON" comments by insensitive people. I know they can be annoying. I'm getting them all the time now too. I can certainly understand that they show disrespect to your Daisy's memory.  These people just can't quite grasp the concept that we pet people loved our pets more than anything else in the universe. They made an otherwise ugly world look a little brighter.  When you are up to it, please post some memories of Daisy. We would all love to read them. 


Wishing you much peace in your healing Journey,

Jim
Jim Miller
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Michelemh
People asked me a few days after she died. Will you get another? Really? Why would I think of that right now? But I do know some people get another dog right away. I can't imagine. My dog passed away nine weeks ago but I still really miss her and cry over it. I miss seeing her on her bed. I just tell them sorry but I won't find another dog as perfect for us as she was. She was perfect and so healthy. I don't even know how to find the right dog for me at this time or if I would get a puppy or rescue one. Mine was a rare breed I rescued and there are not many around and those that are many have not been properly socialized. Life was so much better with her in it. I had to go out with some friends yesterday and that was so hard not wanting to be there. Then no dog to come home to waiting for us. She needed so much attention and didn't like to be alone her last year of life that I was always home with her other than work. I am use to that now and hate leaving the house. This is so hard living without her.
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Dino_927
What a BEAUTIFUL TRIBUTE JIM.  My dear aunt in NYC who is 86 just lost er cat Rudy who was 19year old.  Altho he was sick she continually nursed him, and he ate pooped and walked around the house. 
This is the first time in 40 years she has not had a little furry creature beside her. Her loss was especially 
understood by Vicki and I after the recent loss of our beloved Dino. I still sleep with one of his toys, it has his smell. When the doorbell rings we expect to hear him barking, growling and then licking the person. 
Irrespective of your political leanings we have a 2 minute video of him watching one of Obamas State of the Union. He only turned around once or twice. 
Your love and pain for Marmalade is so palpable I am brought to tears reading your writings. There are so many people on these sites who have lost loved furry friends and are grieving I wish there was some way to help them. I know some of us will never get over the loss. Some will in time. The ove is always there and I read the other day that the pain and thumping in your chest from time to time is their tail wagging. See, they dont really die.They go to sleep. And as time goes by they sleep longer and we may feel their tails less.But they will always wake even years later.
(I am assuming that you dont have heart disease, diabetes , high blood pressure etc), 

Dennis
 
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Memories_of_Marmalade

Hi Doc Dennis,

Jim (Miller) had a pup named "Shelby." I had a cat named "Marmalade." I go by "James." But I know Jim & I appreciate your kind and caring words in your comment above. I don't have heart disease, diabetes or high blood pressure by some miracle. Not sure about Jim.) Thank you for your comment and take care.

All best,
James

-------------------------------------------------

Dear Gucci,

Thank you for your supportive and understanding comment above. Yes, that is why I have visited and posted here on the forum these past 6 months. I learned that coming here was best. Did not want to be a burden to anyone.

Kind regards,
James
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Sil
Jim.

I took the liberty to post the following pic/quote:  I truly believe that "they love us more than they love themselves" A Dog's Love.jpg  I get "blurry" vision, whenever I read it.  I will say a prayer for you, because, I know that this coming Saturday will be emotional for you.  Even though our hearts are broken and we are suffering....We are the lucky ones, we have had the chance to be the recipients
of their unconditional love, fierce loyalty, incomparable companionship, non-judgmental listeners....and the list goes on and on.  And, this is why the pain of their good byes is overwhelming.  But, to deny the pain is to deny the love.  Thank you for sharing Puma, Molly and Shelby. 
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BorderCollieLover
Michele:

  Thanks for your input. Yes, you will know when - if ever - you are able to open your heart again to another dpg. Your intuition and inner self will let you know. The need to make comparisons will diminish over time. Maybe, at aome point we (you, me and everyone else in this Forum) will allow ourselves to see all the positive qualities that another dog might provide instead of being critical of their shortcomings and how they don't measure up to our previous fur bables.  It is hard coming home knowing that your special companion is not there. I am struggling with that. I so miss our daily routine together. 

Jim
Jim Miller
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BorderCollieLover
Lauri:

  Thanks so much for your kind words. Yes, it's going to be emotional when I visit Abbey Glen on Saturday. Not sure if I will smile when I'm there but I am secure in the knowledge that my little girls are in a beautiful place. 

Jim 
Jim Miller
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BorderCollieLover
Sil:


Your silhouette of the man and his dog is amazing. As they say, "a picture is worth a thousand words." It reminds me so much of me and Shelby playing in our back yard. Yes, to deny ourselves the pain of losing a beloved pet is to deny their love. Even though I miss Shelby terribly and struggle with the loss, I would never be in this position had I not loved and nurtured her for so  many years. I knew fully well going into the relationship that this was not forever. I would not trade anything for all the love and peace of mind she gave me. 
Yes, Saturday is going to be emotional. I'm just so glad that all of my little girls are in such a serene place. I'll be picking up the flowers tomorrow. Thanks, Sil for your wonderful post. It meant a lot to me.

Wishing you much peace and contentment,

Jim

Jim Miller
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fortlauderdale1984
That's beautiful Jim, I can envision your Shelby there as well running around in the beautiful landscape. Drive safe!
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BorderCollieLover
fortlauderdale1984:

  Thanks for your post. Yes, it was a very emotional day. I, too, can see my Shelby running all over the landscape. She had that inexhaustible energy. So happy that I went today.

Sending hugs your way,

Jim
Jim Miller
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