When his mother and twin brother returned without him to the house after being let out for a run, I went looking for Fuzzy. As soon as I pulled out of the drive way I saw a dark form laying by the side of the road. At first I thought he'd been hit by a car. The next day, however, when I took his mom and brother on a walk with me to leave a cross where I'd found him, they instantly told me what had really happened. Fuzzy Bear had been killed by the cows. I won't explain how they told me, but if you understand what I mean when I say "they're not just dogs to me" then you already know.
Fuzzy was only three. The main reason I moved from California to Mississippi in November was because I thought it would be better for my dogs. Instead of a small yard and the dangers of being hurt by people where I lived because of fear of my three large dogs, they would have three acres to run and explore.
It wasn't supposed to be like this. I wasn't ready for Fuzzy to go. I wanted him to stay. If only I'd kept him inside that day. But on December 8th I caught him looking out the window longingly and I felt bad so I let him out for a few minutes. Then when I brought him back in, I felt bad for not letting Sheba and Shadow out too, so I let all three of them out. When they came back after a little exploring, instead of insisting they go back inside I let them continue their explorations. Then Sheba and Shadow returned, but not Fuzzy. My life without Fuzzy is broken. I feel like instead of protecting him and taking care of him like I promised - I always told him and his mom and brother I would never let anything happen to them, that I would never let any one hurt them - instead I drove him two thousand miles just to die.
Please someone help me. I know Fuzzy wouldn't want me to be sad. He never wanted me to be sad.And I've tried to console myself by thinking things like 'at least he died doing what he loved , running, being curious, exploring.' But he shouldn't BE dead, and he wouldn't be if I'd kept my promise to him. Please, I need to know he forgives me. I need to know he doesn't blame me for letting him get hurt. My dogs are all I have, the only friends I've had for the past three years. Fuzzy loved me so much. And I killed him. How do I let him know I'm sorry, how do I get him to forgive me, when he's not here any more because of me?
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Dear Starsha,
I wish I knew what to say to console you. The only thing I can tell you is that you didn't know what was coming. You never meant to hurt your baby, and you would've done anything in your power to protect Fuzzy! But, unfortunately, from my very own experience I can say that I can relate to you 100%!
I lost my baby yesterday, and the regrets surrounding the circumstances and the guilt I'm feeling are suffocating me.
It's so unbearable to deal with these thoughts on top of the excruciating pain I'm experiencing. I saw myself in your post and understand you so well. But at the same time I think SHE really doesn't have to feel guilty, it really wasn't her fault! While I look at myself and think her case is different than mine, in my case it WAS my fault. I really did kill my baby.
I think it's probably way to raw for me to offer your any other advice or comfort. But I want you to know you are not alone! I'm feeling your pain while feeling my own. You did so much to give your babies a good life, and I'm so sorry it turned out that way. I never met Fuzzy, but I am certain he would never blame you! I'm thinking of you and really hope you'll get the signs you need from him, while I'm hoping to receive mine.
If you have a moment to read my post I just added, it might make make you realize you are not alone in this. It's a little long, just so you know.

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Fuzzy doesn't want you to be sad.  He only brought you unconditional love and joy and that was his mission in life.  God gives us these babies for a short time to teach us what unconditional love and heaven really are.  Then he takes them back.  There is never a good time for them to go.  We always feel guilty.  Your Fuzzy doesn't blame you, he only loves you.  There are no words that can ease your pain...nothing we can say to give you what you want and we want, to have them back.  Life is different when they are gone and we have to learn to mourn them, but to look at the joy they brought us.  I lost my baby 12 weeks ago and I am still in a fog of disbelief.  I look for her everywhere and feel guilty because I didn't take her to the vet earlier when she first got sick.  I thought she just was under the weather from something she ate, the move, the weather, whatever.  I will always wonder if I had taken her earlier if she would be okay.  I waited a couple days and the vet said she would be fine...she died the next day.  The guilt can be all consuming...just know we all feel it.  Talk about your baby and all the good times.  He will come to you with signs to let you know he is okay...we aware.  Grief any way you need to, and NEVER let anyone tell you to stop or MOVE ON.  There is no MOVE ON.  Life is different and we all hold on to that love that will never really leave us.  Hugs to you....I'm so sorry for your loss

Dali, as much a daughter as any human...  pure love
Until we meet again

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