heatheramack
I woke up this morning seething with anger. 
Rufus is never coming back.
I am indignant. 
He died of old age. There's no one to blame. 
Usually I'm just deeply sad. Today I feel this rage coursing through my veins. 
We had 18 years. I'm supposed to be so grateful. Usually I am. 
But right now I don't even want to be grateful. 

I am so angry that nothing I can do will change this. He is never coming back. 

And it's making me angry with everything else around me that I can't change. I'm so quickly frustrated by every little thing. Brought to tears with my inability to make the world around me work the way it's supposed to work.

For example, I notice my computer battery getting low and in the same instant I think I'd like to plug it in and mentally note that the plug is across the room, I am simultaneously enraged that the plug is across the room and not right here at my fingertips. 

I'm kind of scared to start my day. I feel like anything I fix my attention on, I immediately get angry at. And soon that will mean interacting with other people. And I feel kind of crazy and irrational so I don't know whether I might lash out at my colleagues or friends. 

This is really hard and confusing. 


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sarab
I can identify with your emotions.  I change day to day and sometimes from one hour to the next.  Sometimes I feel angry and impatient, other times completely grateful, then there is deep sadness and depression, non-stop crying .... on to zombie-mode and numbness.  It's hard to deal with all these symptoms and I wonder if our human bodies can fully process them without us completely falling apart.  I want and hope we can since so many people have gone through what we are experiencing.  It doesn't make any of this feel any better right now though.  I'm just so sorry you are dealing with this too.  I deeply feel for you because I know it all too well.  This forum of like-mindedness has helped me.  I know I'm not alone.  I hope you will find some comfort in it too.
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heatheramack
That helps so much. Thank you for confirming I'm not alone in today's unexpected variety of grief I described.

Sadness is my comfort zone. Anger feels weird and out of place. And anger that is turned all the way up makes me hardly recognize myself. But I'm trying to have some humility about it because it turns out that I don't get to choose which emotion is having its say at which moment. 

Empathy from other people with tender hearts is the salve I have needed today. And the people on this forum have such tender hearts.

Thank you for letting me put myself in your hands.
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sarab
You are certainly not alone.  We all need one another here to help us all get through this terrible, terrible grief.  I'm like you - sadness is my comfort zone and anger feels weird and out of place.  Your words but they could have easily been mine.  I don't get angry but rarely.  You can be at home here and voice your feelings anytime.  I'd be lost without this forum.  My heart goes out to you.
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Jody
I've been angry as well. I try everyday to recognize it and try not to take it out on everyone. I guess it is all part of the process. I just wish I could find some happy moments too. I know one day I'll wake up and realize that I am at peace with losing my baby. Until then...
I am so sorry for your loss...
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heatheramack
Thank you so much, Jody. Thank you for telling me I'm not alone in feeling this way.

I've basically been hiding out from people I know so I don't accidentally damage my relationships. It's been a few months, and I assume people think I should be over it by now. So instead I come online and show this mess to people who have invited me to be vulnerable with them. 

Stupid grief being annoyingly non-linear. I want so badly to be at peace, for memories to warm my heart instead of breaking it, that when I don't feel this raw, I think I convince myself I'm already there. I suppose maybe those moments could be real, it's just that I want them to be permanent, and instead they are fleeting. 

So grateful to hear someone else say that anger is part of what they are experiencing, too. 

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heatheramack
sarab wrote:
Your words but they could have easily been mine.  


This is so relieving, Sara. I will never get tired of hearing this. Thank you so much.
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winstonsmom12
My Winston passed 3/2/16, and i am also still angry.  Never a day goes by that i dont see his beautiful face in my mind.  I want so bad to kiss his face and get on the floor and hug him.  I get angry when I see people with their beloved pets out walking or playing.  I wish it were Winston and myself.  I've come to the realization I will forever see him and think of him for the rest of my life.  
Susan
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Mistysmama
heatheramack, anger is often a part of grieving. Even the sweetest of us can feel flashes of it sometimes. It seems hugely unfair somehow that a force we can't properly understand has "taken our loved one" -whisked them away and they are not coming back (physically anyway.)

When my Misty passed, I didn't feel any anger, couldn't feel any anger, who or what was there to be angry with anyway? I wasn't angry with myself, or her for leaving the world, or God, or the vet. I just didn't feel it....

Until out of the blue one night about 4 months later, while trying to fix a mini-oven whose fiddly wires repeatedly kept slipping out of my semi-paralysed hand....I suddenly saw red, grabbed a tea-towel, and beat that mini-oven for at least five minutes! I don't know....did it feel good? Did it feel horrible? I can't remember, but there was a tsunami of something which just had to come out.
Then after that I didn't feel anger again!.....
....Until I went to dinner with a friend one night and we were okay, talking about all sorts of things which had happened in our lives. And then he told me about some guy he'd known who was too exhausted after working a long shift at the steel foundry, to walk to pick up his dog (from somewhere)
...And it happened again. I saw red, beat the dinner table with my fist, so hard plates bounced; shouted at him I'd have freaking walked through Hell itself to pick up my dog....would have freaking walked there even if I was on false legs, and if I'd had no legs at all I would have got there somehow!
I had no concept of the upsetting effect I was having on my friend. But he forgave me.

Oddly, after that there simply was -no more anger. It burned itself out in two events.
Why was it there? I don't know, except I do know it's often a part of the grief process.

I was lucky with my friend's understanding. He knew, as he'd lost his own dog some years before, and it hurt. But I devised a strategy just in case it should happen again (however it didn't, and I encountered some frustrating and irritating things since.) My strategy was the old "count to ten" thing, plus silently saying to myself "You feel this way because you are grieving and you are deeply upset. Let it go."

But in many ways the loss of a loved one changes us. So everything is hyper-sensitive.

I am so sorry that Rufus had to leave. Bless his Soul. He will always love you. Send him your love. He will receive it.


Hold the love like a little light. It is all you have, or will ever have, to find your way home.

Misty's Blog..a Dogfight with Cancer http://www.mistysblog69.blogspot.co.uk

Misty's life after death: http://www.dog2spirit.com
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