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Chinadoll
Jasper's Mom, such a beautiful and tender post for your little angel Pootie Tang. I love the picture, what a gorgeous little cat, 'not as big as a minute' you say. You honor her by remembering this date, as difficult as it may be. I remember all those days back then as you spent each hour, each day, waiting to see if she would return. My little Noel left us one day and never returned. I feel like you, I think they know their time is near and they leave to spare us the pain of that day. Thank you for sharing this day here, I have thought of her often, and you. Blessing and I pray for a peaceful time, with memories of Pootie that may bring a smile to your face. Your friends.
Charlie
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JaspersMom
Hi Charlie,
Thank you so much for your very kind words about my sweet little Pootie Tang. I always keep her so close to me in my heart, and I so remember those days when I was so worried about her wandering around, lost, sick, and alone. I also remember your kind posts, and how you helped me through it, and I so appreciate your sweet words of support and encouragement. I could not have made it though those days without my friends here, which made such a difference, and you made such a difference.

Those were trying times for sure, especially when she came back on the third night, and then ran off again. It was like she was so close, yet so far away. But I realize now that this is what she wanted, this is what her little spirit told her to do. She did not want me to find her passed, so she went out into this world, into the cold and the wind to spare me, of this I have no doubt. I always wished that I could have been able to catch her on that third night when she came to say one final goodbye, but that is not what she would have wanted. Some may think she was disoriented and that maybe the disease had affected her brain, but I firmly believe to this day that she knew exactly what she was doing. She knew where her home was, she knew where her mom and brother were, and she scratched at the door three times, as if to say "I have to go now mom, but I hope you know how much I love you. Jasper's right here with me, and he is going to show me the way."

I know that you so understand the pain of not knowing where they are, as this happened with your sweet Noel. I am so sorry that you had to go through this as well, it is a heartache I would wish on no one. You do remember my frantic searches to try to find her, but this little girl of mine, was bound and determined to do it her way, and I have finally found some peace and acceptance with that. It took me a very long time to reach this point, and as much as it hurt that she left the comfort of her home, she did it for me, and I am so grateful to have had such a dear little kitty who would encounter the dark and the cold, just to save me from the sorrow of finding her. I know she must have been in her last days after trying so hard to battle that awful cancer.

Thank you again Charlie for your posts so filled with such compassion and understanding. Thank you most of all for recognizing that these sad anniversaries can be so heart wrenching and full of sadness. This little girl of mine was so sweet, so special, and she will always have my heart. When I look at pictures of her, my heart just seems to melt with love, because the love and bond we shared was so surreal, and so beautiful. 

I always felt sad about not having her ashes with me, as I do my Jasper and my Jingles, but I can still feel her so close. Just like I tell those who are unable to obtain their little one's ashes, it is a bit of a comfort when we bring them home, but we don't need them to keep our dear babies an ever present part of our lives and our world. There may not be a little cedar box on my dresser imprinted in gold with her name on it, but she is still so here with me, wrapped around my heart and soul forever, my little girl, not as big as a minute, but with the heart of a lioness, the spirit of a butterfly, and the sweetness and light that shines forever. My beautiful little girl, so missed, so cherished, and so loved. Thank you so much Charlie, and my little Pootie Tang thanks you too, for being so good and so sweet to her mom. Hugs, JaspersMom
Pamela Lynne Crawford
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catiebee
Jaspersmom, just spending a few minutes, reading two of your threads. What a hard, hard year you've endured!

Thank you for the very dear post you recently wrote me after I was swamped by an unexpected onslaught of grief. Your post held such kind and loving words and I'm sorry it's taken me some time to return to the forum since my last post.  But I very much appreciated your writing to me and it means a lot.

I didn't realize You're not far past the year mark with PT. Those anniversaries are very taxing. I am thankful that you know in your knower why she departed and that this certainty has eased the perplexity and hurt of that one piece of things. The ties that bind, though, those endure and our hearts remain utterly knit with theirs. I wish grief wasn't so harsh and long lasting. I hope this year that abundant comfort will meet with your heart and that the pangs will ease more and more. 

My mom used to say that phrase, "not big as a minute." Such a sweet descriptor for your beloved girl!

Sending big hugs and may much care and encouragement surround you!


Catie
-Missing Marissa deeply
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JaspersMom
Dear Catie,
Thank you so much for your very kind words of support and encouragement on my little Pootie Tang's thread. That is so sweet to hear that your mom used to always use the phrase "not as big as a minute". I used to always call her my little pocket kitty also, because she was so tiny, she probably could have fit right into my pocket. She may have been small, but she had such courage and strength, and she fought that cancer with a vengeance. I know she wanted to stay here so badly with me, and I wanted that more than anything in the world, but it was just not meant to be. I remember how worried I was thinking about her wandering lost, sick, and alone, and I wanted to let you know how much your posts helped me to make it through another night without her.

I just had a memory on my facebook page come up today where I actually went down to the shelter because a kitty matching her description had been found. Oh how I hoped and prayed that it was her, but sadly it was not, but I could not have rested without going there to see for myself. Some told me I was grasping at straws, but when your very sick little one goes missing, I suppose that is just what you do. You pull out all the stops, you grasp at straws, and you do everything in your power to try to find your dear little one. I may not have her ashes with me in a little box as I do my boys Jingles and Jasper, but she is still here with me in every way that counts, and she will never, ever leave my heart. 

When I gently put my hand on their little boxes at night before I go to bed, I always place my hand on her picture and her favorite blanket. I miss that sweet little girl of mine so much, and it is still amazing to me how brave she was to go out into the wind and the cold in order to spare me the pain of finding her passed. She came back on the third night to say goodbye when I never thought I would see her again, so she will always and forever be my little miracle, not as big as a minute, but with the heart and soul of a little lioness. Thank you again my friend for helping me get through the loss of all three of my angels, I could not have made it without you. Hugs to you, JaspersMom
Pamela Lynne Crawford
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JinglesMom
My dearest Pootie Tang,
Hi my sweet little girl. I know it has been some time since I last wrote to you, but I hope you know that you are always in my thoughts and always in my heart. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you my dear little one, and what I would give for just one more day, and one more moment with you. I am so sorry that our time on this earth was cut so short, you were only thirteen years old when that awful cancer took hold of you. I tell you what, I would have taken on that awful disease with absolutely no hesitation and no trepidation, in order to save you. I only wish that I could have traded places with you, because that is what love is, taking on the pain and embracing it, and I am your mom, and that is what mom's do. You did so good my sweet girl, you fought like the little warrior princess you are and you tried so hard to stay here with me. You fought the good fight my little one, and you taught your mom how to be strong, and never did I need that strength more, than when I had to say such a sad goodbye to the little love of my life.

I know that you left our home on that cold February day in order to save me from the devastation of finding you passed. I cannot thank you enough sweet girl for your bravery and your courage. You went out into that big old world right into the elements, in the cold, the wind, and the rain in order to spare me. I would sleep on the couch with the door ajar, just hoping you would come back home. Day after day, night after night, I did nothing but hope and pray for a miracle, and I believed. I will never forget that night, just three days after you had first disappeared, how all of a sudden I heard a scratching on the door, and I opened it, but there was no one there, This happened two more times, but on the third time, I stood right behind the front door so I would be able to open it quickly, then I waited, and I heard it, scratch, scratch, scratch, and I opened that door so fast, and there you were, my little miracle! I could not believe what I was seeing, and I felt my heart totally burst with joy.

As soon as I was on the front porch, you ran like the wind. I tried to find you, but it was just so dark, and you were so fast, even though you were so ill. You did not want to be found. You had come back one more time to say your final goodbye, and I am beyond grateful for that. I wanted so badly to pick you up and hold you in my arms, and never let you go, but that just was not meant to be. Remember when you used to feel so sick and you would hide in the closet? I used to call you over and over again, and try to tempt you to come out with food or treats, but nothing worked, until I found "your song". I was playing this sweet little song called "Thy Will Be Done", and all of a sudden you would come out of hiding, and you would jump up on the bed and lay on top of me and purr away. I have those times etched in my memory forevermore sweet girl, and no time, distance, or physical separation can ever take that away from us. 

I was driving to work this morning, and you were on my mind little one, and lo and behold, what song should come on the radio? I tell you, the tears were streaming down my face, because I knew without a shadow of a doubt that it was from you. Your surreal and wonderful message so lifted my spirits and gave me such hope and promise that you are still so close.  I just want you to know how special you always will be to me, and I only wish that we could have had more time together, but the time we did have was so amazing, and so filled with such incredible sweetness and light. My precious little Pootie Tang, not as big as a minute, but with the heart and soul of a little lioness. My best friend, my little pocket kitty, my beautiful baby girl, oh how you have always made your mom so proud. I am so happy you chose me, and I choose you always and forever my special little girl. Here is your song sweet baby, and I only hope that someway, somehow, you can still hear the words, and you can still feel my love for you even now, a love that knows no bounds. You will always be the sweetest little song in my heart. Love, Mommy



Pamela Lynne Crawford
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Bailey15
Hi Pamela,
Such a beautiful letter to your Pootie Tang. I remember how she came back that one last time to say good bye and then ran off into the cold and dark night. So sad but also so beautiful that she wanted to spare you that pain. I loved how Cody said that Jasper spread his angel wings and took PT home.

This song is beautiful! I can see how PT found it comforting. I think she definitely sent you a sign with this song this morning! She’s happy and at peace; no more cancer or Illness. She’s fine and she wants you to know because that’s how much she loves you!

I am so, so sorry to read about Jingles! 😢 So much loss. I hope it can bring you some comfort to know that they are all together: Jasper, Pootie Tang and now your sweet Jingles. I think you have 3 angle kitties who will be looking out after their beloved mom! 🌟🌟🌟
I hope you’re doing okay. Sending hugs,
MJ
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JinglesMom
Bailey15 wrote:
Hi Pamela,
Such a beautiful letter to your Pootie Tang. I remember how she came back that one last time to say good bye and then ran off into the cold and dark night. So sad but also so beautiful that she wanted to spare you that pain. I loved how Cody said that Jasper spread his angel wings and took PT home.

This song is beautiful! I can see how PT found it comforting. I think she definitely sent you a sign with this song this morning! She’s happy and at peace; no more cancer or Illness. She’s fine and she wants you to know because that’s how much she loves you!

I am so, so sorry to read about Jingles! 😢 So much loss. I hope it can bring you some comfort to know that they are all together: Jasper, Pootie Tang and now your sweet Jingles. I think you have 3 angle kitties who will be looking out after their beloved mom! 🌟🌟🌟
I hope you’re doing okay. Sending hugs,
MJ


Hi MJ,
Thank you for your very kind and uplifting words which meant so much to me. It is always so good to hear from you, and after reading your posts and replies so filled with such understanding and compassion, I always feel so much better. I still so vividly remember those nights after my beloved Pootie Tang went missing, just waiting, hoping, and praying for her to come home, and that night that she did come back was just so surreal. It certainly did not end up the way I had wanted, because I so longed to have her back home, safe and sound in my arms. But I also knew that her time to leave this earth was at hand, and she knew that also. I finally had to accept the fact that this is what she wanted, this was her last wish, and she did it for me, so I would not face the heartbreak of finding her passed. I will always be grateful for Cody's wonderful and healing words about Jasper spreading his angel wings protectively around her and guiding her home. That image just gave me a peace in my heart that I did not even think was possible at the time, and even now, I see that sweet picture and feel such relief that she was not alone.

I am so glad you found the song "Thy Will Be Done" to be as beautiful as I do. It was so interesting that no matter how bad my sweet girl felt, that song could always bring her out of hiding. Then when she would lay on me just purring away, it was as though for just for a few moments, we could forget about the cancer that was slowly taking her away from me. So of course on my morning ride to work, I was just remembering all of these events, and it was almost like a slideshow going through my mind, then for her song, our song, to come on, it so touched my heart and soul, that she found a way to let me know that she was still close. They always find a way to let us know, and they always have such perfect timing. I am sure that some would chalk this up to coincidence, but I know better, and I have had several instances of these surreal and beautiful messages from the other side, and I am beyond thankful. You are so right that my little PT is happy and healthy now, no more cancer, no more pain, she is her little vibrant self now, so dear to my heart, and sweet as can be. She was so quiet, I could count on one hand how many times I heard her meow, but she had such an indomitable spirit.

Thank you so much MJ for your sweet words of sympathy about my special boy Jingles. Losing my darling little boy after so many wonderful years together was truly devastating, and there were times when I did not think I would be able to face another day without him. He passed in my arms on the last day of January struggling for breath, and that night will haunt me forever. I try to focus on our bright and shiny days together, but still that awful night sometimes finds it's insidious way into my beautiful memories of our time together. I have heard that sometimes when you experience something so traumatic that your mind needs to process it, so that is perhaps why the instant replay happens so often, especially right after the event. He had been sleeping so peacefully beside me, just another night like usual and he seemed just fine, then in the middle of the night he woke up, let out one cry, jumped off the bed, and tried to walk but was disoriented and was staggering. So I picked him up and cradled him with a soft blanket, and I was ready to take him to the emergency clinic, but then he started having trouble breathing, and before I knew it, he was gone.

 I strongly suspect that he threw a clot, but I will never really know what took him away from me, but most likely it was time. I do remember seeing his panicked look as he was struggling to breathe, and I finally said the words I thought I would never say. I told him that it was okay for him to go, and I told him to go toward the light and look for Jasper and Pootie Tang, and they would show him the way. And I prayed for God to help him, and mercifully my fervent prayers were answered. It may have felt like forever to me, but in reality, it happened so very fast. I felt his spirit leave his dear little body, and I held him for the longest time afterward, as my heart broke into a tiny million pieces, and my tears fell like rain. It was such a horrific night, but I suppose that no matter how or when they leave us, it tears us up inside. He so deserved a peaceful transition into his new world, but at least I was holding him, and he knew I was right there with him loving him, until our very last goodbye, and that is what is most important. I miss him so much, more than words could ever say. I will hold him in my heart forever, until I see him again, in a kinder and gentler place, of this I have no doubt.

I know my three little angels are together once again, and I know that they are watching over me from their beautiful new world. I feel so fortunate to have had such dear little souls come into my life and brighten my world with a sweetness and light unlike any other. I miss my trio of angels with all my heart and soul, but I am so grateful that their love surrounds me still. Thank you again MJ for your sweet words of support, and for always helping me face another day without the little loves of my life. I hope that you are well and happy, and I cannot thank you enough for helping me make it through. You have helped me more than you will ever know, from the very beginning on this long journey of grief and loss. Thank you for writing, I hope that you are well and happy, and I just want to let you know that when I count my blessings, I always count you my friend. Many Hugs, Pamela


Pamela Lynne Crawford
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Jcunnane
Dear Pamela,

You’re letter to PT was just so beautiful. She loves you so dearly as you love her. She sounds like such a sweetheart especially when you said she didn’t want you to see her pass or have to go through that. It broke my heart because I know you wanted to be there but how sweet she came back to say goodbye. I bursted into tears and they’re started to roll again just thinking about that. It melts my heart. It goes to show how great of a mommy you are to your babies.

I hope you’re doing well. I’ve been a bit quiet but I just wanted to let you know you’re in my thoughts as it seems this journey is never ending. What a beautiful song for your PT and the sign! 😊

Hugs,
Jackie

Bubby's (Milo) Mommy - Always & Forever My Little Man 💜

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JinglesMom
Jcunnane wrote:
Dear Pamela,

You’re letter to PT was just so beautiful. She loves you so dearly as you love her. She sounds like such a sweetheart especially when you said she didn’t want you to see her pass or have to go through that. It broke my heart because I know you wanted to be there but how sweet she came back to say goodbye. I bursted into tears and they’re started to roll again just thinking about that. It melts my heart. It goes to show how great of a mommy you are to your babies.

I hope you’re doing well. I’ve been a bit quiet but I just wanted to let you know you’re in my thoughts as it seems this journey is never ending. What a beautiful song for your PT and the sign! 😊

Hugs,
Jackie



 Jackie,
Thank you so much for your very kind words about my letter to Pootie Tang. I was so surprised that she was able to slip out of the door without my noticing. I actually came home that day after running errands, and thought she may have passed somewhere in our home, but there was no sign of her anywhere, so I just had no idea what in the world could have happened. My daughter had mentioned that maybe she got out while I was bringing in groceries, and she was such a little tiny little thing, as I often described her, she was not as big as a minute. She was an indoor only kitty as were Jingles and Jasper, so of course it was so mind boggling that she would leave. I asked her doctor and she said that it happens more often than you would think. The beloved pet knows and feels that their time is near, and they want to spare their special person of the pain of finding them gone. But she had never heard of one coming back, as my little PT did, how absolutely touching that she could not stay away, and she wanted to see me just one more time, and she knew that I needed to see her, just one more time. 

So then when I heard the scratching on the third night at around midnight, my heart literally skipped a beat as I opened the door, and when I saw her there, I felt as though my prayers had been answered, as I would be able to hold her again, even if only for a little while, because I knew that she was nearing the end of her life here on this earth with me. It is a very painful and heart wrenching experience to watch someone you love so much slowly deteriorate and go downhill. I had been taking her to the vet for antibiotic injections to keep the tumor under control, as she had mammary gland cancer. The doctor said as long as she was still eating and drinking then we could wait for just a bit about thinking about letting her go. But I would take her in every two weeks, and the night before she left our home, she looked into my eyes with such a sad and steady gaze, like she knew her time was almost up, and she knew what she had to do. I have absolutely no doubt that she knew exactly what was happening, and what she had to do to protect me.

After she left, my Jingles was just so sad and forlorn, because he adored her. As little as she was, he let her do whatever she wanted, she was the princess for sure. I was so worried about him, but after some time, he came around, and I gave him lots of love and we kind of leaned on each other. He needed me, and I needed him, and we made it through the darkness. Just like you and your little Lola will. Pootie Tang was just so very special and had this quiet gentleness to her that is hard to explain. I would come home from work, and this tiny little black and white sweetie would look up at me with those beautiful eyes of hers, and I would pick her up, and she would nuzzle into me, and kind of melt right into my arms, my sweet little pocket kitty. 

I was so worried about her being out in the elements, so lost and alone, but she was not lost, and she was not alone by any means. A wonderful forum friend of mine named Cody (CKMP) would write and give me such comforting images of my big strong boy Jasper spreading his angel wings around her and shielding her and protecting her, as he guided her to their new home. That really helped me to get through those many sleepless nights. I was so sad because I never did find her, and I may not have a little cedar box with her ashes in it, but her beautiful spirit and love surrounds me still. I never did have what is commonly referred to as closure, but I suppose that closure is somewhat over rated anyway. She is as close to me as when she was physically here, and she will never, ever leave my heart. All I ever have to do to "feel her" is to play her song and she is here. Now I know that all three of my little ones are together again, my little angels, who wrapped themselves so completely around my heart and my very soul.

You have been a bit quiet lately Jackie, and I so understand. Sometimes I need to just step away for a bit and recoup. This grief journey is relentless and it is such a roller coaster ride with so many twists and turns. I love reading your letters to your sweet Bubby, and the love you both shared shines right through your every word. So very often, your warm and wonderful writings to your special boy bring me to tears, but it is so good to know that I am not alone in feeling this overwhelming sadness. The missing them never ends, it just goes on and on, as does our love for them. I was so not expecting this sign from my PT, and it was just such a beautiful surprise, just as that little movie of her was going through my mind, her song comes on, and it is just what I needed to keep her with me. Thank you again for writing and please know that I am thinking about you and your little Lola, and sending lots of hugs your way. Pamela
Pamela Lynne Crawford
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AZTiger98
Hi Pamela,

Like Jackie, I've been a bit quiet too...I apologize.  It just gets so hard sometimes, thinking about coming back to the site regularly, because even if I come back to write to those I've connected with along the way on this grief journey, I know I'm going to want to go write to Stormy, and that's just going to send me into a funk.  I did manage to fight through that today, so maybe I can keep up a little better from now on...it actually felt good.

I loved your letter to PT.  She seems like she was such a sweetheart, and I think you're right that the reason she wouldn't let you find her on that last night is that she didn't want you to suffer through watching her die.

I do hope things are getting better for you, having to navigate through all 3 of your losses.  I can't even imagine what that must feel like, because only dealing with ONE loss has me feeling like my world is upside down and/or shattered at times.

Hang in there
David

Daddy to beloved fur baby Stormy
08/2003 - 05/19/18
Stormy’s Residency https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/STORM059/Resident.htm
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JinglesMom
AZTiger98 wrote:
Hi Pamela,

Like Jackie, I've been a bit quiet too...I apologize.  It just gets so hard sometimes, thinking about coming back to the site regularly, because even if I come back to write to those I've connected with along the way on this grief journey, I know I'm going to want to go write to Stormy, and that's just going to send me into a funk.  I did manage to fight through that today, so maybe I can keep up a little better from now on...it actually felt good.

I loved your letter to PT.  She seems like she was such a sweetheart, and I think you're right that the reason she wouldn't let you find her on that last night is that she didn't want you to suffer through watching her die.

I do hope things are getting better for you, having to navigate through all 3 of your losses.  I can't even imagine what that must feel like, because only dealing with ONE loss has me feeling like my world is upside down and/or shattered at times.

Hang in there



Hi David,
It was so good to hear from you, and I thank you so much for your very kind words about my letter to PT. Yes you have been a little quiet on this forum, but no need for apology, we all sometimes need to step away for a bit and reenergize and get our strength back. Sometimes all the stories and letters here are just so bittersweet, and we can all so relate to them, but then of course it brings us right back to our own struggle and our own pain. It is interesting how there will also be those times that I am so drawn to this site, and I need to come here, to reconnect with friends, to help others, and to write to my three little angels. The letters I write to them and about them just seem to keep our special bond so strong and unbreakable. I know that you can so understand this as you write to your beautiful little one.

I visited Stormy's memorial page again today, and it never fails to bring me to tears. The music is so pretty, and the love for your sweet girl shines through the wonderful words you wrote to her. I know how very much you miss her, the missing them never goes away, the loving them is constant, and there is always that place missing in our heart and our home that we can never get back. I so know what you mean about feeling like your world is upside down and shattered at times. It just feels so bad and so wrong without them being here. Nothing could ever make it right again, because all we really want is to have them back with us, where they belong.

 After three devastating losses, I do not think I could ever bear one more, so as much as it saddens me, I do not think I will ever let another dear soul into my heart. But then again, never say never, as so many have said this in the past, and then the stars align and the fates come together, and a sweet pet in need will choose them, and save them. Thank you again so much for writing and I really do appreciate your support David. I wish you brighter days ahead, filled with the light and love of your beautiful Stormy, who is sweet as can be, and is still so close. Hugs, Pamela
Pamela Lynne Crawford
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