Larissa
Because I am no stranger to this forum I want to begin by saying if you are not strong emotionally yet you probably should stop reading this. I cannot bear the thought of causing any more pain to someone

I found this forum two months ago when I lost my best bud Easter. It's been a long road but I've had some good days and things are getting better. Well it least they were. I live on a farm and this time of year is when all of our goats start having babies. Beautiful bouncing happy soft cuddly babies. Our first set of kids was delivered on Friday. Two beautiful baby girls. At this point I really did need to see the Lord breath life into something after suffering such a loss. I really thought my heart could finally heal. I was there and helped during their birth.

On Sunday we had visitors to see the babies. We were also working on another stall in the barn and had a gate leaned up against something. I had one of the adult goats tied up so she was out of the way for a moment and she got tangled in the gate. I went over to untangle her in the gate and it had shifted closer to me. I unhooked the leash and turned around. I hadn't realized one of the babies followed me. When I turned around I ran right into the gate. It fell in what seemed like slow-motion. It landed on that beautiful baby. Killing her instantly. It layed right across her neck. The sound that came from her, and the light in her eyes fading will haunt me forever. I screamed and begged God not to take her and lost it. All I could think was "oh my God I killed her" it's my fault. The worst part is like I said in slow-motion she was bouncing and playing, never saw it coming. So my last memories of my beautiful baby are springing around then the life being sucked out of her. The gate hit her while she was playing. One moment she was happy and the next minute she was gone.

I know it was an accident but I just can't get over the guilt and shame. I feel like a drunk driver that killed a child. I didn't want anyone to know I don't want to be the girl that killed that beautiful baby. Everyone has been so excited and we been sharing pictures. So now everyone is asking about them. We have more babies due anytime now as well. To make it even worse three of my family members were here when it happened and saw it so they are also struggling with this. I feel responsible for their pain. I thought I would share my story here because I know it's a safe place. Only my closest loved ones know about it until now. Holding it all in isn't helping so I thought maybe this would be a good release.

I can't get the image out of my mind I feel physically sick constantly and I can't function well. I have experienced deep grief but this is different this comes with an ugliness that I've never known. Everyone keeps telling me it's not my fault it was an accident she's with God now. It really doesn't help. I still feel like it's my fault and I will carry the guilt and hide in shame forever. She was only two days old we named her Grace,and she was perfect, she was my gift and I ruined it.
Larissa
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jimmy17
Oh Larissa, I am so so sorry. I remember you from your posts about Easter. 
 I know you think its your fault, but  there`s no way you killed that little baby. It was a terrible unfortunate accident. I don`t know why it happened, but you are such a lovely caring person ( look at all the love and care you gave Easter ), who is only a force for good when it comes down to animals.  At the moment you will keep replaying it over and over, we all do when we lose our babies, but you must not feel any guilt whatsoever.
  You`ve taken the right step coming back to this site - I can tell you now that whatever you think,  the lovely people on here will support you 100%. 

                                     Sending you Huge hugs, Jackie. x
J Taylor
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Ladie41
Larissa,

So sorry to hear about your fur baby. Just know that this was an accident and was not your fault. This is a very difficult time for you and I understand the "pain" in losing a fur baby. Please know that you are not alone ! Again so sorry for your loss. 


Antionette
Lacey my sweet Angel 6/2006-3-9/2016
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Larissa
With Easter it's learning how to live without him. With a Grace it's thoughts of what could have been. I have no " remember the good times" with her. This is a loss so different than I've ever known . Thank you for being so kind
Larissa
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NormaT
Dear Larissa,

Please stop punishing yourself. You did not deliberately hurt any creature. The gate, the adult goat,  the tangle and the baby goat following you were all happening at the same time and came together to result in an unfortunate accident. 
I understand your guilt because it's natural to think "I should have done this or I should have done that" but you could not have predicted that this would happen so how could you stop it?  I don't know much about the workings of a farm but it seems that Grace was in the wrong place at the wrong time and if that gate had simply fallen onto the ground you would have picked it up, propped it back up and thought nothing more of it. 
Everybody knows that, nobody will think you are a bad person. How can you be a bad person when you gave so much love and devotion to little Easter. When I first read Easter's story it gave me such a warm glow to know there was someone in the world who cared so much about a little creature. Your love of animals shines through in your actions Larissa. 

Norma
x

Norma 
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Sadiesmom061308
Larissa,
I am so sorry for your loss. This was in no way your fault. You live on a farm and love animals . This was a terrible accident. Your baby is now with Easter. I hope you find some peace. Sending you hugs.
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Larissa
Thank you all,I do find comfort that she is with Easter. Myself and a friend have started to read " Cold Noses At The a Pearly Gates" by Gary Kurz. At least this time around I have no doubt I will see her again. And though this is torture, I don't have the lingering question " will I see her again" . I have lots more " why" questions but one of my many questions at least is put to rest
Larissa
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