charlikin
Tonight will be four weeks / one month since I lost my beautiful calico Emmie. (She died on February 10th, so four weeks is the same as one month. She was a small kitty and she died in a small month.)

When I close my eyes, I can still feel her small furry body pulled close to me, my left hand around her ribs, feel her heart beating against my fingers, my right hand scritching the soft fur at her throat. I can feel kissing the top of her head and ears and pink nose. I can feel her body vibrate as she purrs.

She and her sister Charlee were calico through and through. The girls were calico through and through. Their skin was calico under their fur, and when I looked in their mouths, the roof of their mouths was calico. I imagined that their inside organs must be calico too!

Charlee was pretty docile, but Emmie had the feistiness my vet associated with calicos. She had a gold star on her chart at the vet, and it wasn't for good behavior. She bit the vet's thumb once. I had brought Emmie in for blood tests, and I was waiting for the results. The doctor came into the waiting room with a big bandage on her thumb. I asked her jokingly if my Emmie had done that, and she nodded sheepishly. I felt terrible and apologized - I'd thought I was making a joke!

The girls were always my babies. It was so hard adjusting to life without Charlee. She was always so robust and healthy, and Emmie was always so fragile (she was the runt of the litter), so I always thought Emmie would go first and then it would be me and Charlee. But Charlee was diagnosed with lung cancer in January 2010. The vet said she had about four months to live. I spent that winter dreading the coming of spring, because spring meant she was going to die. She died on June 15th, just a few days after my birthday. So it was just me and Emmie. I thought at least I'd have Emmie a while longer - she had CRF so I knew it wouldn't be a long, long time, but I thought a couple of years. Now they're both gone. My babies are both gone.

Last year I dreaded the coming of spring. This year I just don't care about it.


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Meghanm
Hi there, I am so sorry to hear about your loss of Emmie. Through reading your post here, I really get a sense of her larger than life personality and the deep love you have for her. I so understand that feeling you must have had that after you lost Charlee, you had Emmie still in your life which must have been a great comfort. I am thinking of you and sending you hugs.
Meghan

"If the people we love are stolen from us, the way to have them live on is to never stop loving them. Buildings burn, people die, but real love is forever." ~ The Crow

"We don't "get over" our losses and just move on, we learn to live differently."
~ http://www.angelbluemist.com/frames/guilt.html
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creampuff
Dear Charlikin,
I, too, have lost both of my purrbabies.  Inky was almost 16 when she became ill so quickly.  I kept hoping that she would somehow make it through intestinal cancer, but she went downhill within a few weeks and I had to make the decision to let her go in peace.  She was too old for surgery.  Two weeks later, my remaining little orange tabby, 14 years old,  had a sudden seizure, never having been diagnosed with anything other than a slight heart murmur.  He died in my arms within seconds, his precious little eyes still open, his body soft and limp.  My babies are gone now.  I so understand what you're going through.  But we will always love them, always treasure their memory, always be thankful for the joy they brought us every day they were with us.  You and I are sisters in grief, dear friend.  Please stay connected to this forum.  I hope we can help each other on the path to healing.  Blessings and peace to you tonight.  Jane
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charlikin
Thank you for your kind replies, Meghan and Jane. Yes, Emmie was larger than life - both the girls. That's such a good way of putting it. They both had big (and very different) personalities, and a whole world of mythology built around them. They saw me off the in morning, and welcomed me home at night. They watched tv with me, and surfed the web with me, and then they went to bed with me and fought over who got to sleep on my stomach that night. (Charlee usually won these turf wars - she was top cat in bed.)

Meghan, your dog is so beautiful. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Jane, I can't believe you lost your two kitties so close together - even closer than my babies! That is so hard when they are sick and go downhill so quickly. Making the decision to let them go is so painful. And then to have your other baby die in your arms so suddenly - I can't even imagine.

When Charlee was diagnosed with cancer, I knew Emmie was sick too - they had both lost a lot of weight, and Emmie was already diagnosed with CRF for quite some time. I think I started mourning both of them even before they were gone. Charlee didn't know she was sick and still liked to run after the laser pointer and play with with feather toy. Then when she was too tired, she still enjoyed watching while Emmie played. (At least I hope she enjoyed watching...)

Emmie was skinny, but she still seemed to energetic and happy then. She was good to her sick sister - she stopped hissing at her. She used to hiss at her all the time, I thought to get even with when they were kittens and Charlee used to beat her up all the time. But Emmie ended up being a sweet sister.

Jane, we are connected through our kitties. Hugs to you, and to you, Meghan, too.


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Meghanm
Thank you Charlikin for your words. I miss Sammy every day, he was such a good boy. It was so difficult to see him get so sick so quickly.

I am thinking of you during this difficult time.

Meghan

"If the people we love are stolen from us, the way to have them live on is to never stop loving them. Buildings burn, people die, but real love is forever." ~ The Crow

"We don't "get over" our losses and just move on, we learn to live differently."
~ http://www.angelbluemist.com/frames/guilt.html
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marty

Hi Charlikin,   Did you not have an beginning with your babies?    Did you not have good times along with the bad?    Youth will always verse old age and sickness.  Why are you not caring anymore?    All fur babies have an beginning and an end, just like you and me.   You can't quit and you can't stop caring.   Get another that needs your love and care.  You'll never forget those that have passed.   Get an little one that will bring an smile to your face.   That will play In the Sun and cuddle close to you at night.    Why would you ever want to give up those feelings of need and love from one so small and needy?   HUGS TO YOU ALWAYS-----------I think that you are an great person that has lots of love to give-------------Marty

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charlikin
Thank you, Marty. It is so hard to think about getting another cat. I know there are kitties out there that need homes. And it's not that I would feel guilty about replacing the girls - no one can replace them, just as they did not replace their big brother Ossie who died exactly a month before they came to live with me. It's that they... die. It's so painful, every time. Yes, they brought me a great deal of pleasure. I guess it's supposed to more than balance the pain when they die. Maybe it does. I just don't know.

Thank you for your good thoughts, and hugs back!


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judylinn
charlikin..it sounds like your still deep in the grieving process, and that is okay. 4 weeks is such a very short time. It's been 7 months for me, and though I am doing well, I cry regularly at missing Maddie. Give yourself all the time you need, let the feelings out, as thats how we heal.
The only time that is right to get another animal, is when it is right for you...however long that is. I'm like you, in that I know that at this point, I could not handle getting another furbaby...I simply could not go through this again...at least that's how I feel right now, so I understand your feelings exactly. It just means your not ready, and that's okay.
Knowing that there is a beginning and an end, doesn't help with the deep grieving. at least not for me.
But I do know that we all evolve, and all at different times. That's how I feel right now, but who knows what will happen eventually.
I can hear the deep loss in your words, and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
For me, I have found another dog, that I'm an Auntie too, and I love it.
Much love to you. Judy
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