My dearest baby girl Cookie,

How are you and how is heaven? I hope there are open fields with short warm blades of soft grass to run in. I hope the angels take turns cuddling you and rubbing your belly and gently patting your head.

Yesterday, July 4, was the first holiday without you. To us, July 4 was a day off and we watched the fireworks on tv. Maybe we had a cook out.  The fireworks stopped scaring you a long time ago when you hearing grew worse. 

We grilled dinner last night in the yard. Felt strange without you there but I felt your presence.  But after dinner, sitting in the  yard and listening to the occasional firework going off, it hit me hard that you weren't inside in the air conditioning waiting for us watch the fireworks on tv together.  It hit me that this is the first holiday without you and that there there will be many more without you.

I grieved again last night. I cried because I miss you so much and my love for you will never end.  I cried because I begged for mercy. For something to take my life so that my soul can be with you again. I cried because I don't want to live anymore if it means living without you. I'm not living anymore. I'm just existing.

I looked through some photos again on Monday. I miss how happy and young and beautiful you were. And then I saw, in the photos, how you aged and grew tired.  But in my eyes, you will always be my youthful pup.  Your heart and spirit was stronger than your body.  I cherish and love the years we had together, but I also curse the years because each passing year meant a year closer to being without you.

I took your brushes out of your grooming kit the other day. I haven't groomed you or held those brushes in so long.  I took the brush and gently brushed the bag that holds your ashes.  When I did that, I immediately felt the soft hair on your head and how I used to take the tiny knots out of your tail or ears. I miss combing you on my lap and having those few minutes of quiet time together.

I miss you so much my little great big love.  Know that the angels will keep you warm and safe and that back here on Earth, someone misses you very much and deeply all encompassing loves you.  Your mama always, Kim.

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Cookies mom
Life is so different without our babies. I lost my William on 5/20/17. He was 14 years old. I remember fireworks and how he would climb under the bed.
Like Cookie he lost his hearing as he aged and I was grateful in a way that he didn't have to hear those loud noises like thunder or fireworks. He stayed right on top of the bed like nothing was going on. I preferred that than knowing he was afraid under the bed.
Looking back at pictures has been so comforting. It's amazing when you look back at their youth how different they looked but you didn't really see them aging too much before your eyes.
I'm sure Cookie was beautiful and loving. Just like William.
It was a beautiful life with them.
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