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Bailey15
Hi Lisa,
Thank you for sharing Taz’s pictures along with Charlie and Daisy. Such beautiful little ones!
After I lost Bailey I read that guilt is a huge part of grief so what you are experiencing is normal even though your heart is so broken. Trust that you did the best thing for Taz by helping him to find peace. I did the same for Bailey because I couldn’t stand to watch him suffer. In time I think you will take comfort from this.
Perhaps a second opinion would have made you feel better but I honestly don’t think it would have changed anything. Taz was very ill and everything he was going through with not being able to keep his food down confirmed the vet’s findings.
The oak tree is a beautiful idea and I’m sure Taz will approve! I think it’s important now for you to still be able to do things for him like planting the tree when you have his ashes back with you.
Writing in a journal may be helpful for you as well. You can write about how you are feeling, write little notes to Taz and maybe even some poems or quotes that you come across and feel apply to your sweet boy.
Hang in there!
Hugs, MJ 🤗
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TaazyBoy
THanks MJ. I has really helped to have this support for such caring people that understand. Certain things are becoming a little clearer and some things I will always wonder. One thing I have figured out is there never would have been a good time, even if my sweet boy would have passed in his sleep I would have found a way to wonder if he suffered, was he scared, etc etc, I would have beat myself up about it too. One thing I do know is he was surrounded by love and a whisper in his ear which is much more peaceful that the 101 other scenarios I went through in my head. It is just a small step but it is a step. I know he would have LOVED LOVED LOVED that tree and I cannot wait to plant it when my oldest son gets home. I smiled for the first time in days when we picked it out. THank you so very much for all your kindness, it means more than I could even say.
LM
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TaazyBoy
Awww James, being a surrogate kitty daddy is important too. I completely understand not being able to do it again. Bless you James for looking out for all the forgotten kitties out there, you are THEIR angel here on earth.
LM
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Memories_of_Marmalade

Hi Lisa,

Thank you again for your kind as ever words.

I just got back from feeding the little kitten. It must be about 6 weeks old. It is so sad, as when I go to feed it, it cries and cries, but it won't get close to me. It keeps it's distance. But it is being verbal about being so young and alone. Such a cutie too. White with black markings. I think I mentioned it was hanging out on the porch of the neighbor down the way, and they want to adopt it. We are trying to figure out the best way, without spooking it too much. Where it has been staying is residential / industrial, so a lot of places it can dart off to and hide. So just trying to keep it fed. I am always scared now of bonding with the local strays and ferals. 

You wrote to MJ:

"One thing I have figured out is there never would have been a good time, even if my sweet boy would have passed in his sleep, I would have found a way to wonder if he suffered, was he scared, etc etc, I would have beat myself up about it too. One thing I do know is he was surrounded by love and a whisper in his ear which is much more peaceful that the 101 other scenarios I went through in my head."

This is so true, there NEVER is a good time, and it seems everyone, always, no matter the circumstances at the end, 2nd guesses. And yes, I agree, being whispered in your ear how much you are loved as you go to sleep, is not a bad way to go. I wish my end could be so peaceful. 

Kind regards,
James


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TaazyBoy
It makes me so sad knowing there are so many feral kitties out there. I am in Canada and even in the small town I am in there are feral cats. That is no life for an animal, we have a lot of predators here, especially coyotes. It frustrates me to no end that people don't spay and neuter their animals, we even have programs here that it is next to nothing. Sounds like you found a perfect marriage, you are still helping animals and protecting a broken heart. Bless you James.
LM
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Memories_of_Marmalade


Yes, it is so, so sad here too. We are lucky in this neighborhood as two Aerospace Engineers that for some reason have taken it upon themselves to spay and neuter the local strays and feral's diligently. One did so for a litter of 9 kittens last year! And then adopted all of them! They are still a little wild, but he allows them to hang-out in his fenced in back yard and his wife has fallen in love with them.

He also takes care of the house where the little kitten is residing outside on the side and rear area. Also fenced in. Yes, coyotes here too. : (  We have lost 4 cats in the last 5 to 6 weeks we believe to coyotes. 2 Domestics - "Cherry" & "Cow-Cat", and 2 Feral's "Mom-Cat" and "Blackie" (who was my Marmalade's arch nemesis. But I was always nice to "Blackie", even though his fight with Marmalade resulted in my boys imminent decline.) I have been feeding Mom-Cat's and Blackie's 2 daughters each evening as best I can. I wish I could adopt 1 million of them! 

XO,
James

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TaazyBoy
Awww James I wish I had a way to make that happen for you as well! I wish we could save them all. I do take some comfort that our boy Taz had a wonderful last 2 years. He grew up with my ex and my kids, he had a great life for the better of I would say 7 years. He grew up with a beautiful staffie named Indy and my kids of course. Indie died. Things went very sideways for my ex, an accident, some bad decisions and eventually went to having no home and poor Tazzy had been living a car. I cannot even imagine how hard it must have been on him watching his owner spiral downwards and go from the perfect doggie home to living in a car. My daughter finally went an got him but could not keep him herself so he was going to a rescue or coming here. There really was no decision for me, it seemed unimaginable for him to go to a shelter after this mostly long life with a family. The guilt of wondering what would happen to his poor soul had he gone to a shelter would have haunted me forever. By coming to us, he got a family back and a boy he could love. Since we have had him, he did beat cancer once already, he had a tumor that had been removed. We were told the margins were all clear and I did ask about that the other day and the vet said likely it was not the same cancer. He was so depressed when he first came, looking out the window and door waiting for his daddy to come get him and of course he never came. I know he was happy and felt loved but I always wondered and still do if his heart was forever broken losing his first dad. I felt there may have always been a bit of an underlying sadness. I know that probably sounds silly and I don't speak dog ahaha. We gave him the best life we could and he really did seem happy, he knew love in his last years, I think that is all we can hope for isn't it?
LM
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TaazyBoy
This is the picture on the wall that I see every day while I work. I have apologized to it about 1293439555 times already. Nuts right? I know he would hate this, I know this is not what he would want, if I listen to my heart and soul, he would say mom you did everything you could, you loved me, don't be sad. Every time I feel like I am moving a bit forward, it all comes crashing down again. Awww Tazzy boy I love you so much....
IMG_6333small.jpg 
LM
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TaazyBoy
Here were are Tazzy boy, day 3. While it is true I can breathe a bit easier than yesterday, my heart hurts so very much. A day ago I would have given anything to stop crying, for the heavy burden of grief to lift just a bit. Today I kept busy and then became scared and sad, I don't want to forget things either. I don't want to forget your funny looks, your smell and all your Tazzyisms. Dang us humans are never happy huh? Sweet Daisy, she misses you so much, she looks so sad. Even though she pretended not to love you, I knew she secretly did. (all those times we caught her laying next to you too). I went and saw Sara today and thanked her for kindness that day. Sara is our groomer that works in the front of our vet office. I actually wasn't sure I could even go in, that was the last place we saw you breathe BUT, I am starting to realize you went there many times in the 2 years we had you and that is where they made you better, that is where they helped you LIVE. I am starting to get it, you were SO MUCH more than that last week of your life, I know that buddy and hopefully in time that is what I will remember, all the good times and how you lived, not how you left us. I hope you are running with Indy and having some fine dining where you are. My heart hurts you aren't here, but relieved you no longer suffer.
Forever your mom. 

PS, would still give anything in the world for one more day with you.


LM
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Josephine
TaazyBoy wrote:
THank you for the kind words Jan, we adopted him late in life so our time together was shorter (2) years and we loved him every  second of it. IMG_3660cropsmall.jpg 
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Josephine
So sorry for your loss, beautiful boy, you did right thing it’s so hard to deal with . But think of all nice times together. Take care.
It’s 3months for me since my girl went stil. Find it hard with out her. 💔
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