Brielle
I find myself laying in bed trying to take deep breaths knowing that today is the day my American bulldog Chance is forever gone. Bringing home her ashes today will be the last final realization that she's gone. I can't seem to shake this feeling. Its been a week now and the pain still feels like yesterday. I'm so frustrated that I just want to scream on the top of my lungs! I miss my best friend and baby. It kills me to know I will never run around the house playing hide and go seek with her I will never hear her unique bark I will never see her running around the yard chasing stray cats I will never hold her 80 pound self on the couch as I watch t.v.. I miss kissing her and telling her she's mommas girl and asking her who do you love and she would hand me her paw! My husband and family tell me I did the right thing she was in pain suffering from nasal cancer but I just can't seem to except my selfish heart from feeling this guilt and wondering if I did the right thing. I get a huge knot in my stomach knowing I will never see my sweet girl again. I miss her dearly and would do anything to see her again.
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Lillymylove
Ditto!!!
David 
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LUCYLULU
Oh Brielle~

I am very sorry to read about your Chance. I still come here because after losing my Lucy 11/10/2015, I don't think I could have made it without the support & compassion of the people here. Please try to go slow...get through the day...one hour or even one minute at a time. I remember how fierce the pain was...especially once I got home. Worked extra shifts just to avoid going home to the empty house. It was like my heart-- felt hollow & empty. And the replay, doubt, questioning & wondering can be wicked. There's no way to 'make it all better'. Your Chance won't be pushed up against you on the couch. And you won't get her loving greeting when you walk in the door. It hurts really bad. Your heart & soul misses Chance so much. But your deep connection does not end. Your love was and still is strong & forever.

For now-- just for today-- please know that your love is what guided you. There was no way you could let her suffer another day. You brought her to the vet & made your unselfish decision from a place of love & affection. Chance knows. She is with you always. In the coming days & weeks, I hope she sends you little signs or moments...when you know...you just know that she is with you. We all understand. Nothing matters right now. At times, the anguish is unbearable. Come here often.  Again...I am very sorry.

Big hugs,
Kasey
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Brielle
Kasey,
Thank you for taking the time to reach out to me it brings me comfort knowing there are good people in this world who actually reach out a hand to someone who needs it.
I'm sorry about your loss of sweet Lucy a few years ago. May I ask how did you get through it?
Right now I feel my world is completely empty without my girl. I catch myself talking to her telling her I'm sorry and how much she is loved. I wonder how long I'm going to live with this huge hole in my heart.
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Bailey15
Hi Brielle,
I still remember the night we picked up my dog's ashes. It was such a surreal experience because it takes time for our brains to process such a loss. Once home though, I did feel better having him there.
A week is such a very short time Brielle. I know how horrible that pain is and I agree with Kasey. You made the right decision for your Chance - the last gift you gave her - freedom from pain and suffering. After my Bailey died (the very same day as Kasey's dog, Lucy) I read that animals are not afraid to die and I do believe it because I remembered the look in Bailey's eyes lettting me know he needed to leave.
I started writing in a journal. I gave it a title "I Remember You" and I started by writing down all of the things I never wanted to forget: little nicknames we'd given him over the years, his favourite toys, songs I sang to him.... and I also wrote to him telling him how much I missed him and I dated each entry. Now, when I look back it helps me feel close to him but I also see a journal of healing. I hope this helps.
This forum is a wonderful place to come and communicate with others who really understand the terrible pain you are going through. Please post an update on how you are whenever you feel up to it.
Sending hugs and prayers,
MJ
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Brielle
Bailey15

Thank MJ for reaching out to me. I am sorry for your loss of Bailey. I picked up Chances ashes today and cried as soon as I walked into the vet office. I've never been in there without my girl by my side. They handed me her and hugged me and told me everyone here loved chance and will miss her greatly. I cried the entire way home. Once I got home I placed her on my living room shelf. The living room is where she spent most of her days. I hugged her urn and told her I love her.
My home feels so cold and empty without her. Every room reminds me of her. She shed a lot so I'm finding pieces everywhere.
I do not have kids yet and wish I did so they saw what a amazing girl she was. I pray one day I get to meet her again.
Thank you
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LUCYLULU

Hi Brielle~

  I am glad that you were able to pick up Chance's ashes. That must have felt surreal, like a bad dream, to go to the vet's where you had always gone with Chance. But you are fortunate to have her ashes. I was so despondent that when my vet asked me about cremation, I just said 'no'. Luckily she sent a vet tech to take a paw print of Lucy (before) so that they were able to make & mail me a special memorial ornament with Lucy's print, name, & color purple. While it's not Lucy's ashes, I felt like she was 'home', closer to me when the ornament arrived. It's hanging since the day it came. So I hope that for you, having Chance's ashes gives you that same sense that she is 'home', closer to you. Though I know you wish, with every single fibre of your being, that she could be right there next to you, sleeping near you on the couch. Or that when you turn the key, you can hear here running to greet you. Man oh man all they want is to be happy & to make us happy too. Maybe that's another layer of how very hard it is to 'be' in the world without our special babies. True unconditional love.

How did I get through it? Day to day. I went back a week later & spent an hour with Lucy's wonderful vet. We cried again. But she also helped me because I was having trouble with my decision/state of mind on that day. She reaffirmed that I chose for Lucy, rationally & with love.  She was in torment & pain. So that was one 'action' that helped. I also ordered (on line) a Sacred Spirit Journey from Marianne Soucy. She has a few books on Amazon. Watched my em until it arrived. Helped me. I still read it every now & then.

Talk to Chance...out loud at home, in the car, whenever you can. Talk to her as you would have when she was right there with you. Or talk to her & let her know how much you miss her & always will. When I talked to Lucy @ night, trying to sleep (impossible), I always ended up in the sadness-- replay of the last weeks & the last day's decision. It is part of the grieving. As trite as it may sound, it is a process. And no lies-- it wrecked me for many months. But I also talked to people-- family, friends, even customers & clients @ work. Told them about my girl.  It may surprise you how many people understand. Sometimes even 'strangers' want to help. There are many wonderful people out there, and here on the forum too :-) Tell them about Chance. While it may be upsetting, it may also feel soothing to be able to talk about Chance...to share her. 

The other thing that helped me was to be open to 'signs'. I kept asking Lucy for a sign. Sounds cracked. Who cares? It took awhile but when the first one happened, it was a song that meant a lot to me & Lucy. I was driving home from work & turned on satellite radio. I asked Lucy to play the song again. It had played on my way home from the vet's the day she died. It's an old song that doesn't often play ('In the Wee Small Hours of the Morning'). Love B.B.King & Frank Sinatra. This was one of B.B.'s faves. Anyway, as I was driving & it played, I had to pull into a parking lot to lose it completely. But I thanked my girl because it felt like a little hug from her. I think that all of the signs--  feathers, cardinal, dragonflies, butterflies, wind chimes, cloud formations, songs, finding lost dog bones or toys, etc., all helped me to feel her love. So I would encourage you to ask Chance to give you a sign. And then be open to it. 

Please also try to be kind to yourself. Chance loves you & always will. There will be tough days, weeks, months ahead. But there will also be times when you catch your breath. Instead of feeling tightly wrapped inside, you have a calm moment. It's the healing. Try to imagine Chance running & playing...with all of her new Rainbow Bridge friends. She's healthy again. Give it time. Your love took time to grow stronger. You still carry that love inside. But it will take time to feel it again-- without unbearable pain & sadness. 

Sorry for rambling on. Keep coming here. We are all here for you.

Big hugs,
Kasey


 

 

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Brielle
Kasey,

Thank you for your comfort! Yesterday was a roller coaster of emotions for me. I am happy I have chance with me but angry its not her physical self.

I play in my head what if I waited a few more day? What if I gave her stronger meds? Did I give up on her? What my life would be like if she was still here. I know I would be happier but would she?

She had a serious nasal cancer diagnosed in June. It was very large. Since june I did everything I could to keep her here with me on this earth. I changed her diet I talked to a holistic vet we put her one all different vitamins and medicines. And believe it or not she was doing amazing she had her full appetite would run around and play and still be her sweet 80 pound precious self. If I didn't tell you chance had cancer by looking at her you would never know.

But once the fall hit she then had her set backs. The tumor in her nose would cause a infection and she would start bleeding from her nose. But this became a routine once this started I would take care if it with vet visits and stronger meds. Come the holidays she was slowly getting worse...still her happy self but very uncomfortable until the night her tumor ruptured in her nose. After that she wouldn't drink water and had very little appetite she would just want to sleep. She would then be constantly bleeding. That's when the decision was made. I had to let her go.

I pray to God I made the right choice for her. What I would do for one more day!

I hope I never lose the memories of her and the strong love I have for her till I'm 90 years old and can reunite with her again.

But until then I have her with me forever. I talk to her non stop. I truly hope there is a greater power out there because the thought of never seeing my girl again breaks my heart into a million pieces.

My home is not the same without her.

Thank you for your support!!
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Van780
Brielle,
I feel the same way. I lost one of my 2 cats (litter mates) 6 months ago. Im much better - able to function and such ... but I still have waves of tears. His brother is still mourning (I've never had an animal that mourned, but the were very close) and that reminds me more of his loss. On the other hand, I'd have an empty house without this guy. When I think about Batista , I still question myself and have guilt and regrets. I think it comes with the territory. I tried to prepare myself and pay extra special attention to him in his last months, but it's our nature to also beat ourelies up even though we did our best. I'm so sorry for your loss. My babys ashes are also in the livingroom along with his paw prints. I have asked him to let me know that he's ok and he does come to me in dreams. Not the same ... but I am grateful. I'm terrified for the day that his brother has to leave me, especially now that we've super duper bonded since his brothers passing. Sending you much love and healing energy ♡♡ it wI'll get a little easier as time goes on
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COOKIES4
BRIELLE, I FEEL YOUR PAIN AND MY TEARS ARE HERE FOR YOU AND MY PRECIOUS "SPARKY" 29 YEAR OLD "COCKATIEL". THE DAY MY HUSBAND , BROUGHT HOME HIS ASHES WAS NOT THE END FOR ME. I HAVE THEM IN A TEMPORARY URN THEY GAVE AND WANT TO GET SOMETHING NICE LATER. TO KEEP MEMORIES FRESH I HAVE HIM IN AN AREA WHERE HIS CAGE WAS IN OUR ROOM. COMFORTED WITH HIS FAVORITE BABIES AND BELL TOY BY HIM. WE SAY PRAYERS BETWEEN 7 AND 7:15 EVERY NIGHT. BLESSINGS JOAN AND JIM. "MOMMY AND DADDY"
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Brielle
Cookies4

Thank you for your kind thoughts! Its definitely the hardest journey I ever been on! 20 days later and I'm still so heartbroken. I miss her deeply. Life isn't the same without my girl! God Bless your Sparky!
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COOKIES4
DEAREST BRIELLE. I DREAD BEDTIME. NOT HUNGRY, 4'9" 86 lbs SPARKY ATE HIS DINNER WHEN WE ATE. OURS . HOPE YOU GET SOME REST..23 days for us....Are you eating and sleeping.
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