The past four days have been filled with unimaginable grief, lack of sleep but mostly surreal. The first few days after her passing, I was hysterical night and day. Now that the constant hysterical crying is subsided, I now feel guilty for not crying as much. Hiedi was my baby. There are moments, where it hits me like a mac truck that I will no longer have my baby to hold. I've been writing down every single thing I can remember about her. I think I'm still in complete disbelief and denial that I'm writing about her in the past tense. I have been thinking more and more about the surgery I had for her. There was a rescue site, that I came across, explaining the thorough research one must do on an exotics vet before surgery. I thought I did a complete enough investigation to choose the right one. I never asked her how many surgeries she had done, how often or her success rate. She had done a previous surgery on Hiedi in which everything came out fine. This time how ever Hiedi died hours after the surgery. I keep blaming myself, I don't feel I did my due diligence for her. I found the most reputable vet, but not necessarily the best exotic one. I believe all this was my fault, I do blame myself. I would do anything to hold my baby again.
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I'm glad your tears have subsided a bit. That feeling of hysterical crying, near vomiting and a sense of loss is something I experienced and you just can't move forward with all the thoughts in your head.
If you had a successful surgery with the vet you chose why would you think it would be different this time? It's not your fault. You wouldn't have put your baby in someone's hands if you didn't have confidence.
We always look back and criticize our decisions. Why do we treat ourselves this way when we know we wouldn't choose to do something purposely to hurt our babies?
I continue to hope in time you will get some sense of peace and just have happy memories of your life with your baby.
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Heidiangel to reiterate what William said: You chose the best vet, Heidi had come out fine before, you had no reason to second-guess this one, or the vet's abilities. It is the most confusing and difficult thing to accept, but sometimes...things just happen. I do not by any means intend to sound flippant and if it comes off that way I apologize profusely.


My Dante had begun to respond positively to his meds. His last day with us before his little heart failed, he'd been the most energetic and himself he'd been in weeks. The next morning was such a shock, it just all came crashing down on us. I had done everything I was supposed to, the vet did everything to help, he seemed to be picking back up but...it just happened, anyway. Its nobody's fault, its certainly not yours.


Please do not beat yourself up. You were a very diligent and loving mama.

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