GunnersMama
I am new to this. I'm not even sure where to begin. I lost my special angel on Christmas night. We had a beautiful day with our family and then me, my husband and our 4 Boston Terrier went to our cabin in the woods. It had been a while since we had been there and we were so excited. We got there and exchanged presents. It was wonderful and we were so happy. We always got our dogs presents and this year it was some new balls. That's their favorite toy. I had picked them out a pack with a glow in the dark ball. I was inside cleaning up and I was saying a prayer to God thanking him for all of my blessings. My husband had taken the dogs outside to play with their new toy. They were having so much fun. He said he was going to bring our one dog inside so he wouldn't run into anything. He is almost blind but runs around like he can see perfectly. I can still hear him saying that to me. I wish that I would have told them to all come inside but I didn't. The next moment changed my life forever. He came running inside telling me that my dog Gunner had run into a tree chasing the ball. I ran outside and he was laying there. His eyes were open and his legs were stiff. My husband said not to move him just in case he was paralyzed. I looked at him and asked my husband if he was breathing. He did CPR on him but it didn't work. He was gone. How could he just be there playing and having fun and then be gone the next second. He was only 7 years old. I blame myself for buying that ball because he had run into a something one time chasing a ball when it was dark. If only I would have remembered that but I never thought that he would have run into anything again. I shouldn't have gotten them that glow in the dark ball. After it happened I went into shock. It was like an out of body experience. It was like I was there but I wasn't. Everything was in slow motion. I have never felt pain like this before. I don't even remember the whole month of January. I couldn't eat sleep or think clearly. I was just there staring into space begging God to let me go back and change it. I never thought that I could cry this many tears and have your heart literally feel like it's broken in a million pieces. I can see how someone could die of a broken heart. I feel so guilty. I have cried every single day since its happened and I'm crying while I'm writing this. I don't know if it was a terrible accident or part of God's plan. I ask myself that a million times a day. Thank you for listening.
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Beaglemomma
Honey, you are NOT alone.  No matter what the circumstances without exception we all seem to find a way to place blame on ourselves somehow.  It was not your fault, just a tragic accident.  I know EXACTLY how you feel.  ALL of us here do or we wouldn't be here.

You would not have let him out if you hadn't wanted him to have fun and he DID.  He left you doing what he loved to do.  TRY hard to take some comfort in that.  He wasn't sick and slowing dying.  FAST is difficult for those of us left behind, but it is what we wish for ourselves and for those we love.  Small comfort right now I realize. 

Yes it is possible to cry and even probably to die from a broken heart.  I am certain that I still feel that way.  I lost my little Beagle at Thanksgiving--------which is FOREVER changed for me now.  Try to think of your baby as being in the arms of the God you pray to.  YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  Here you can scream, cry, do anything you feel like doing and no one will judge you.  This is how I try to think of my Molly when the sadness comes usually unexpected.  Hopefully this picture will bring you some comfort picturing your little one in those arms.  I am sending you hugs and know that you WILL see your little one again.
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janice
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GunnersMama
Thank you for your kind words and taking time to respond to me. I love the picture and I do picture him being in God's arms. I know he's in heaven. I find myself angry with God and myself. He was so young strong and full of life. I just wonder if by buying him that toy that I took away time that we would have had together or if it was God's plan and I couldn't stop it anyway. Thanks for listening
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JerseyNonna
gunnersmama, was going to reply a bit earlier but got too choked up crying to even see the screen.  I was raised with the adage "there are no mistakes, all things happen for reasons" so I don't believe you buying that ball caused the tragedy.  you purchased them something they so totally enjoyed and sounds like gunner was having a blast chasing his new ball that night.  none of us know just how long we each have on this earth although we all agree that our fur-babies don't live nearly long enough for us, only God knows when our time to rejoin him will be.  I lost my service dog roxie the night after this past Christmas suddenly and I had enough time to get her to the emergency vet where her heart stopped during the chest ultrasound.  since then I've come to realize that being angry serves no purpose and I have to believe that whatever happens in our lives is part of God's plan for each of us which he knew before we were even each born.  hon, we've all gone through the questions and guilt after the loss but in all honesty I myself would rather pass doing something I heartily enjoyed rather than spending my last moments in illness or pain.  gunner is still with you in spirit and i'm sure you will be able to soon sense that he is around.  talk to him aloud or within your mind and in those quiet times look deep into your heart to that place where gunner left all his love for you to keep safe just as he took your love with him across the bridge until you all see each other again.  we're all here for you and we're all going through the same pain unfortunately.  many hugs and prayers for you and your husband and hugs kisses to the rest of the pups.  your cabin in the woods sounds like a beautiful place any time of year.
JerseyNonna
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GunnersMama
Thank you Jersey Nonna for responding to me. I was going to reply earlier but I was crying so hard that I had to wait. I have posted to another formum and they gave me some helpful advice but never would answer the question that I was asking. I thank you for taking the time and reading what I had to say. I was raised with the same adage. I thank you for saying it. I agree that our fur babies don't live long enough. They are our family our kids. I'm so sorry to hear about your Roxie. You know exactly what I'm going through. I'm sending my thoughts and prayers your way. Thank you again for taking the time and responding to me.
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GunnersMama
I'm having a really tough morning. All I keep doing is crying. I wake up every morning and realize that he's still gone and my heart breaks all over again. I keep thinking about the weeks before he passed away. I had been watching my grandson and I had left them at our house. The week before the holiday I said that I didn't want to take them because it was too much aggravation. I always worried about one of them running off since her yard isn't fenced in. Then the night before the holiday they were in the kennel and he was the only one sitting up and whining. I told him lay down buddy mama will see you in the morning. I feel so guilty. I wish I would have let him sleep with me that night. I just never would have thought that was the last night and morning that we would have together. I just don't know if I will ever stop crying or get over this heartache. Thanks for listening
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