Hi. Im hoping writing about this will help. We lost our dog, Zoe, just a few days ago and I'm overwhelmed with guilt for numerous reasons. First, she was a beautiful long hair chihuahua and the absolute sweetest ever. She was my middle sons little buddy. He loved her so much and he's only 4 so he doesn't understand that she is gone forever :(
3 years ago she got really sick and we almost lost her. We had so many tests done and finally found out she had EPI disease. It was treatable with medicine and special food, about $50 a month. She was back to her normal self soon and I'm so glad we got a few more years with her. Unfortunately after she got sick, she wasn't able to hold her urine and bowels like before so she had lots of accidents in the house. Even though we had hardwood and tile floors she would always pick my most expensive rug...I could care less, especially now that she's gone but my husband was not happy. We bought a new house with a lot of carpet and my husband refused to let her move with us....I should have fought harder maybe because I have so much guilt over letting her go. I think the reason I didn't was because my parents who also loved her said they would take her and they only live ten minutes away. I thought we would visit all the time....but I didn't hardly ever. At this point I had 3 young boys, home with 2 during the day and running a business. Life is too hectic at times and I'm always on the go. I feel so guilty for not visiting her more and just snuggling her. My middle son would ask weekly if we could visit and I would say yes but then we would get busy and forget. The week before she passed he asked if we could go and I said yes, but got busy and we never went. I feel so awful. So my boys didn't get to say goodbye because I was too "busy"....ugh makes me so angry at myself. I assured them that she knew they loved her and she would always be in their hearts. But I still feel so guilty for just not driving over there!
About 6 months ago my parents switched to a medicine that was a little cheaper and even though it seemed comparable I noticed she started losing weight. Her stools were okay which made me think she was okay but she kept losing weight. I am now kicking myself for not switching her back to her old medicine. I went to order it and I realized I needed to take her in for an exam because it was prescription only. I didn't take her....I hate the way the vet would make me feel every time if I didn't pay for every single thing they suggested I give her. I couldn't say no to anything. So I kept putting it off....Now I would gladly take her if she was here but it's too late. Just last week I thought to myself I'm going to just bite the bullet and take her so I could switch her medicine but again I put it off and didn't follow through. Maybe it would have saved her. I feel like I will live with this guilt forever. I can't stop thinking about it. I feel like I completely gave up on her which is awful and not what she deserved.
The only peace I have is that my parents did love her and they are empty nesters so she got lots of snuggles from them. But did she feel abandoned by us? But what if she had a few more years in her? Would I have visited more?
I knew this day was coming but I didn't think it would be now. I didn't know she was so sick. But part of me did but I didn't react quick enough. I was able to make it in time to hold her while she took her last breaths. Im glad I was able to be there for her I'm that way. Even though it was hard I knew I wanted to be there in the end. I know time will help heal the pain but I don't know about the guilt....I feel like I failed her in the end. I can't stop crying every time I think of her and all of the guilt.
My boys and I are building a memorial garden for her and I think it's helping my oldest cope with losing her. We are also talking about the memories we have of her and creating a photo book. My middle son keeps asking questions like why we can't take her to the dr to start her heart again...he's very sad so I'm trying to be strong for him.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.

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You poor thing! It sounds like you have so many conflicting priorities and having been in that situation I understand why you are beating yourself up.

Firstly, you dear little Zoe was very ill and moving her to a quieter home was probably one of the best things you did for her. I'm certainly not saying your family is noisy and uncontrolled (I have boys too!) but perhaps the change of pace helped her relax a little. She would have also picked up on your husband's displeasure at her soiling on the floor which would of stressed her - and you.

Zoe would not have forgotten the love and attention your family gave her. She knew how hard you tried to do your best. In the end she wasn't left abandoned but were with people who loved her. Yes it is sad your boys didn't get to say goodbye but you were there for her at the end. She took that to the Rainbow Bridge with her! A memorial is a wonderful idea to help you and your boys and Zoe will be there with you.

Try not to be so hard on yourself. You did your best through what is obviously a very busy and stressful time in your life. Grieve for Zoe and forgive yourself

Take care
Lyn xx
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My deepest sympathy my dear. It sound like you are dealing with a lot with your children and then your dear Zoe being sick for some time. Sometimes we just don't realize. If someone had told you she only had "X" amount of time left I'm sure you'd have been there so quickly but you just didn't know. You also don't know that the other medicine would have been the be all/ end all. It might not have helped at all. It's all 20/20 hindsight. You will be glad you were able to hold her at the end and see her off peacefully. I'm sure she was greatly comforted by that. Take Care
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