SnowPhoenix77
This is my first post about something like this.  On Monday, we had to say goobye to my sweet baby Katie Purry.  She was one of the most awesome black cats ever.

Katie was diagnosed about a month ago with lymphoma.  We started her on chemo (the one pill a month type, not IV cuz she hated the vet and I didn't want to put her through it).  It was large cell lymphoma, so we knew her chances weren't good, but she did start to improve.  She started pooping solid again, and had extra energy and everything.

But that all came crashing down on Saturday.  She stopped eating and drinking and started hiding.  I enticed her with a little tuna, which was her favorite.  But she only ate a little.  By Sunday I was concerned becuase I knew what this meant.  I took her to animal emergency and they gave her fluids, an anti-nausea, and antibiotic.  We did all her blood work to see if her systems were compromised.  Needless to say none of it made a difference.

I called her regular vet Monday and we went over the reports and talked about how Katie was doing.  She still wasn't eating or drinking and just didn't want to move.  We made the decision that it was time.  We'd done so much to try for her and she tried for us, but it was time.  My husband and I managed to get out from under the bed and I laid with her to have a talk.  I told her that there was no more hiding.  I knew she was in pain and that maybe she tried her hardest, but it was ok if she needed to go because though I'd miss her terribly, but I'd be ok.  But there there was to be no more hiding and we would face it together.

We got one of her beds and put some towels on and laid her there with a little heater to keep her warm.  She stayed.  No more hiding.  If there were any doubt in my mind about my decision, it was gone when I checked on her and realized she'd pooped right there without moving.  She couldn't walk the few feet to the litterbox.  Yeah, this was the right thing to do.  I cleaned her up, put new towels down and gave her some pets and kisses.

Katie had one last gift in her for us.  About 30 minutes before we were scheduled to take her in, she got up.  She wobbled across the house to her favorite perch.  I helped her up and she sat there looking out over the yard at the birds and trees.  It was such a beautiful thing to see and both my husband and I were in tears.  When she made moves to get down, I helped her down but let her walk back to her bed on her own.  There was a quiet dignity in it that still hurts my heart.

Katie passed quickly and peacefully.  We stayed with her until the very end.  She was so ready to move on and not be in pain anymore.  And I'm here knowing I did the right thing, but missing my little girl so much. 

She's the one who would tap my face in the middle of the night so I'd let her in to snuggle in the crook of my arm.  Every night.  She was the goofy girl that would try to pants me for chicken or beef when I was cooking.  And the number of rabbit kickings I'd received during playtime were plentiful.  She was nothing short of a sweet girl who lived for lap time and her humans, and I hurt so much not having her around anymore.

I can't sleep and eating is forced in small amounts.  I cry often and I don't don't how to make the hurt stop.  I mean, I'm glad it hurts because it means we loved each other well.  The world is carrying on without even knowing such a good little creature existed.  And I'm so torn up.  I have good moments where I remember all her goofiness and sweetness.  I'm trying to hold onto that.  But I miss my little buddy.

Thanks for listening.  I know this is long, but this is the first time I've been able to get it all out coherently.  Somewhat coherently.
A-M
---Katie Purry is forever in my heart. 

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ClarasHusband
Oh man this is close to what the last couple of weeks have been like for me.  Monday I put Clara to sleep and I see her face. I hate going home now.
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SnowPhoenix77
I'm sorry for your loss. I know how much you miss your girl. Being home feels a little emptier. I have another cat, MacGyver. She's pretty awesome and I raised her from 2 weeks old so we're bonded just as tightly as I was to Katie. It doesn't take away the feeling of loss though.

Hold onto the good times. Clara and Katie would want that for us. They gifted us with so much love. I want to honor that despite my heartbreak.
A-M
---Katie Purry is forever in my heart. 

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ClarasHusband
Yeah I get that.  For me there is a larger picture. When our daughter left for college there was a big hole and still two years later it is still here from time to time, or rather I feel it unless she comes to visit. Now Clara is gone and the emptiness and silence is terrible. I don't like that association. I know it will dissipate in time but the why of the whole thing still gets me.
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SnowPhoenix77
I understand. That feeling of loneliness must be terrible. I'm probably the last person to give advice since I don't have kids, but I can tell you how I try to live my life generally. There are lessons everywhere, I think. Finding a way to move thru the pain and loneliness may be our lesson. Life is full of good times if we allow ourselves to experience them. My husband just reminded me of this. Finding a new reality despite our great losses is probably the hardest part of all this for me.

I dunno. Maybe it all sounds trite, but it gives me comfort to know when I'm ready to move past the pain and loneliness, there's more good times if you choose to be a part of them.
A-M
---Katie Purry is forever in my heart. 

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ClarasHusband
Sure there is but we all must be able to grieve a loss.  We can experience a lot of good things but life is something that knocks you down pretty hard, look at all the people on this forum going through the same thing.
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Rookiesmama
Snow,
Thanks for sharing your story. Your Katie sounds like a wonderful cat. You wrote, "the world is carrying on without even knowing such a good little creature existed. " This is so true... it's hard to understand how everyone can keep going on with their daily lives when ours have come to a halt. It's been 10 weeks for me since I lost my Rookie, and eating was extremely difficult for myself as well. I drank protein shakes and ate some bars. It helped get some nutrients.

ClarasHusband,
Going home to an empty house, or a changed house is so difficult. I live by myself, so it was so nice to get home to my Rookie.... now it's just so quiet. I'm very sorry for your loss.
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SnowPhoenix77
Rookiesmama: Thank you for your kind words. I'm glad someone understands what I'm feeling.  It feels so lonely and going back to work today has been rough.  My focus is pretty much shot and I feel like I'm just going thorugh the motions.
A-M
---Katie Purry is forever in my heart. 

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SnowPhoenix77
Katie Purry Feather toy.jpg 
A-M
---Katie Purry is forever in my heart. 

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ClarasHusband
What a good looking cat.
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rascal
so sorry for your loss of your beautiful kitty,,,,i can relate to so much of what you said,,,,,,,my 14 yr old kitty Skittles had gotten really sick in feb,,,with giving her meds 3 times a day and her and i both wanting her to get well so badly,,,she did she got so much better, she was jumping on top of things, laying on the porch in the sun,,,enjoying attention and lots of food,,,then around the 9th of sept i noticed she was hanging out at the neighbors hous , they were home, she wasnt coming in and eating like she had been, then on the 11th i found her out front in my yard, took her her pills, she refused them, then she refused food,,,i thought, ok i will try later,,,i never saw her again,,,we think she went off to die alone,,,was she just done trying to stay well i dont know,,,it just kills me that i didnt get to say goodbye and that i didnt just sit with her at that time and see how she was doing,,,its been alomost  month the pain and missing her is still so raw,,,i too have my boy cat Rascal,,,hes my total love bug, and he gives me alot of love and comfort,,,,,and now wht happened with skittles ahas made me fearful of Rascal , i just want to be with him every minute.....this has all made me so full of anxiety and depressed,,,i barely make it thru the day at work
 
michelle hansen
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SnowPhoenix77
Rascal: I know how it feels being fearful for my own little girl MacGyver. We hand raised her from 2 weeks old and she's my baby terror. I'm just trying to tend to her needs. Make sure she's not forgotten while I grieve Katie.

I'm with you on depression. I'm fortunate my boss understands why I have a sign on my closed office door that says "nope". But it feels like I'm just waiting for the day to be over so I can pass out on the train ride home. Ironically, then I don't sleep at night much. It's just ask such a crap shoot right now. I'm just existing.
A-M
---Katie Purry is forever in my heart. 

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