Ashleyann_23
Hi all, I’m new here, stumbled upon this last night with a face full of tears an insomnia. I had to let my poor baby Winston go yesterday. He was 16. A 5.6 lb toy poodle mix with the most personality and more love to give than most humans. The last few months he went downhill so fast. First, hypothyroidism and his hair was just coming out in clumps. Then congestive heart failure. Diabetes soon followed. Then he was blind. Our last vet appointment a month ago I found out his kidneys were failing as well. The past few days he didn’t really want to move or be held, he just had the hacking wheezing cough and couldn’t even get out a hello bark when I walked in the door. The vet told me two weeks ago it would be time soon. Yesterday he was just so weak and I knew it was cruel to let him suffer. I said goodbye to him last night at 6:30 pm.

He was my only companion for many years. Thanksgiving, Easter, birthdays, it was just us two. I remember one thanksgiving we sat in my bed and we shared a thanksgiving feast. I’m not sure I would’ve survived those lonely years without him.

Now I feel broken. My whole house is a reminder that he’s gone. The syringe box for his diabetes, his many beds, his bowls, our Christmas picture, and all of his little outfits carefully lined up in his clothes box. I can’t stop crying, I feel nauseous. I feel like the world has lost all color and that it’s all just a depressing empty place without him.

I just feel so unbelievably broken.
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Tankie12
Ashleyann I’m so, so sorry. He’s such a cute little man, I know your heart is ripped into a million pieces right now, the pain, the grief and tears, it’s such an overwhelming time. You went through a sudden spiral of so many health issues with him, and more than ever your every second was devoted to him, I get it. We all share one major, but many minor, bonds here, these were are “babies” we lost soo much more than a pet, they were as much our babies as a natural born child. And they are grieved, hard, unbelievably hard. We’ll be here, believe me we don’t have the answers but we are here, to understand, listen, and offer our tears to be shed with you, along with you. You found the right place,,,,,take care of you
Lynn, Tankie’s mom, forever
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Sil
Ashleyann 23, 

I am so sorry, for your loss of Winston.  He is/was a remarkable fighter and your most loyal companion.  I know the feeling, the pain, the emptiness, your heart being broken in a thousand pieces, and the feeling of being incomplete.  All of his belongings, "scream" of his absence.  Those first days, weeks are the "hardest"......Please, do not feel like you are alone, because you are not, in this forum there is a "remarkable community filled with caring, compassionate people" - we all have lost a beloved pet.  We cry, we grieve and we share.....and we are here to listen and give you support. Hugs
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JennyTeddy
Ashleyann,

I’m so incredibly and deeply sorry for the loss of your baby Winston. My heart breaks for you. You didn’t make your baby suffer. Dogs can handle illnesses a lot better than humans can. So please don’t feel like you made him suffer. You did everything you could. I know no words will take away the unbearable pain you’re feeling. Just know you didn’t make him suffer. They can hide pain really well and they can handle it WAY better than us. His spirit is still alive and with you. I feel Teddy’s spirit with me. It give me comfort but makes me cry at the same time because I miss him being here physically.

I related to you so much when you mentioned
“He was my only companion, feeling broken, whole house being a reminder that he’s gone, his outfits and the syringe box for his diabetes.”
Except the box of syringes was for his Congestive Heart Failure and his 3 other Medications. It’s so hard. 😞 My baby Teddy passed away May 6, 2018 a little over 6 weeks ago. He passed away on his own. My heart still shatteres every morning I wake up without him. I still have all of his stuff, his food I bought him the week he Passed, his bowls, clothes, Medications, syringes, everything. I didn’t throw anything out or pack it up. I can’t and won’t.

When you said “ I feel nauseous. I feel like the world has lost all color and that it’s all just a depressing empty place without him.”
I want you to know that you are not alone. It’s been 6 weeks and I still feel that way about Teddy. I still cry just like he passed yesterday. It’s painful.. You said it perfectly, I feel too that the world has lost all color and it’s empty without him. It’s an unbearable painful heart break of losing our babies. My heart aches for you. I’m so sorry you’re enduring this painful nightmare. 💔😞 you came to the right place. It does help writing about your baby. Although there are times I can’t even write. Be gentle with yourself. Our baby had so many health issues thrown at him and you did your best and he knows that. I’m deeply sorry for the illness he had to go through, your a good mommy and took great care of him. You’re in my thoughts, sending you warm hugs. 💛 Winston is adorable. He looks so happy and cute with his shirt.
If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.

  
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dachsiemom
Ashleyann-  I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved Winston.  You are where I was a little less than 3 months ago when I had to say goodbye to my 15 year old dachshund boy, Brandon.  The grief will be very intense at first.  For a couple of weeks I had no appetite, and trouble with with sleep went on for longer.  Going to bed and waking up without my little boy was so difficult.  If I did manage to get to sleep I would wake up i the middle of the night with panic attacks and would be unable to get back to sleep.  I normally take great pleasure in sewing, but after Brandon died I didn't care about it.  At the time I worried there was something wrong with me, but now I realize that these are normal reactions to profound grief.   Just try to take care of yourself, and cry as much as you need to.  The pain will be intense for the first few weeks.  Winston was part of you, and he always will be. He had the best life any dog could wish for.  I am glad that you are found this forum and hope it can bring you some comfort as it did for me.  - Dachsiemom
Moira - remembering Brandon
"Better lo'ed ye canna be. Will ye no' come back again?"
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Ashleyann_23
Thank you all so much for your kind words. I have no appetite and cannot even leave my room because every time I get out of bed I am reminded he is not here. I just want to hug Winston and hear his little bark and little paws on the floor. I’ve been sleeping with his collar in my hands and every time I hear the little jingle from his name tag my heart shatters.

I know from my coworkers they don’t understand why I couldn’t come to work on Friday and I’m sure this coming week at work will be hell. I don’t know how to focus or concentrate because I feel like a shell of a person. I am so glad I found this forum because I feel like my grief has not been recognized by the people around me. To me, he was my child, the light of my world, he was better than any human, more kind, more loving, the most loyal. This pain is the most intense pain I have ever experienced. I just feel so sick. 😭💔
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