curcumas
I had to put my 18 year old kitty down a few days ago. The guilt is drowning me. I made the decision to put her down based on some information I didn’t have correct. All I see is her in my arms for the last time, dying. She had kidney failure and we had been dealing with it for a few years. Over time, we added lots of accommodations to make sure she was happy and healthy. I had cups of water all over, I had given her all types of food including baby food, to make sure she ate. Her blood work a few months ago said she was in stage 4 kidney failure, but I had a system. Things were going well. About 2 weeks ago she was on my nightstand and fell. After that she walked awkwardly and I was afraid she was hurt. She seemed a little better, but getting her to eat was becoming a huge struggle. The other night she was on my back sleeping like usual and then I woke to move and noticed she was moving off of me, it seemed sudden but I feel back to sleep. The next morning she was under my bed. I put water, food, chicken broth from canned chicken and tried to get her to eat. I had company later and she came down the stairs. Her back leg kept folding under her and she was limping. She was standing on her whole foot, not just the ends and was shaky. I realised that maybe she fell off the bed again and was panicked thinking she broke her leg. I didn’t know how she could get into the litter box which I thought she hadn’t used. She was relatively spaced out. At one point she threw up bile. My husband said she was severely dehydrated. I have seen her decline, but this seemed drastic. I called the vet in a panic. I was under the assumption she might have broken something or dislocated something. I didn’t see that she used her box and she hadn’t eaten in more the 24 hours. I though she was in pain and brought her to the vet. I thought, this is the end I have to put her down. If she can’t walk and won’t eat, what can I do. I had the vet look at her and she recommended that it was time. Right before, she commented that she didn’t think anything was broken, she said the toxins can cause neurological issues and that was probably what her leg issue was. I looked at my baby and she gave me that look like, ok mom, we did the vet thing, now take me home like you always promis to do. I went through with it. I watched her die while I held her and I felt my heart break. When I got home I was a mess. The comment about the legs kept bugging me. Then I saw she had used the litter box. It was just one she only used occasionally. I read on and saw that if I had given her fluids I might have been able to have her legs work and she might of felt like she wanted to eat. Also antacids are used to get rid of the acid. Then I read that kidney failure isn’t painful. I decided to put her down because I thought she was in pain, I thought she couldn’t use her box or walk, because she wasn't eating or drinking enough and then I see could have maybe turned some of this around. I did it too soon!! I could have helped her. For years I did so much and at the end I messed up. I could still have her and she might have been better for a time. I am drowning in guilt. Add that to the fact that I just see her little body and her eyes wanting to go home, I want to hold her and bring her home. How do I accept I took her in too soon. I’m beyond devastated.
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Purzel
Curcumas,

I am very sorry for the loss of your sweet one. Let me say that alone her age of 18 shows how much care you took of her through nearly two decades. You are blessed to have had her for so long. I am very sure you did not do anything wrong but you did free her from suffering. Kidney failure is no joke because the whole body is simply poisoned and I cannot imagine that this is painless. I dont know where you read this but it is simply not true. Unfortunately our pets are very good in hiding their pain. Please, take some comfort in the fact that you did not do anything wrong, you acted in behalf of your beloved one, selflessly and out of pure love towards her.

My heart goes out to you
Silvia (with Max forever in my heart)

[hundi]


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Animallovinggal
As i read your post. My heart sank. Last week began my guilt trip. I have fought since my baby was dumped in my yard with swollen guns. After having his teeth pulled, fighting fiv+ for years after getting it and attacked by another cat. To being in liver failure the past few months. I also saw him staggering as he walked. Just didn't have that sparke in his eye. He was alwaysa taller and loud purr baby. GOD I MISS HIM!!!😥😥.

Took him in on Friday 2 weeks ago. The vet gave me liver meds. Fluids to give at home for 10 days. Antibiotics and try to get food in him as much as possible. I had a friend (we are both in rescue) help me with meds and fluids.
Each day he would cry out when it wss time for this. His little mouth was getting jaundice and he was losing weight. All he wanted to do was sit in the sun. So i built him a little fort for him to sit under. Starting home (i am in disability) going out every 10 mins to check on him and give him water and dropper of food. He hated it and got choked most of the time. It was pitiful. He was losing more weight. He wanted so bad to meow and eat. He wanted to but you could tell after a free kicks he was naused. (Had needs for that also.) Poor baby, all he had was fluids and meds in him. I knew he felt terrible. I went to hello my neighbor with planting his tomatoes. Camehome and couldn't find my baby. He has crawled under the bed and was hiding. I knew he didn't feel good when he didn't talk to me. He was so weak. I called the vet to get advise. I was so upset and crying. I was afraid of what would happen if i did go to the vet. But, couldn't watch my baby suffer anymore. He had bounced back so many times. I feel so guilty i think i should have tried harder. Given him more time to recover. Given the meds time to kick in for his liver ECT. He wss only 12. I too have night mares of longing art my baby starting at me, as to say let's go. The vet put him in the table and my baby walked over and laid in my arms. I wanted do much to save him and protect him. I lost it when i heard him screaming as they tried to find a vein. I wanted to just take him home. I will never forgive myself...never!!!! I bought his ashes home yesterday. Every time i look at them or his pictures i lose it.

How does one get over the guilt???
Sorry so long but i needed to get it off my chest. No one truly understanda. I am 53 single no kids. No family.
It is me and my doggie left.
If not for him i would check out and go be with my babies that have passed on.

RIP MY SWEET BABY
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curcumas
Purzel, thank you for your comments. They did help. I have read all day and looked at her lab reports and after caring for her so long I didn’t realize what a lot of her symptoms meant. It all just seemed normal, some new problem, we just accommodated it.. The info I read about kidney failure not being painful was misleading. It still hurts like crazy but I can identify some of her issues and I realize I was in denial about a lot. She smelled so bad. I thought it was from not grooming. I didn’t know the toxins could do that. She had food on her nose and didn’t seem to care if it crusted. She sat in odd positions which I learned was pain. Her legs, I still wonder if fluids would have helped with that or made her want to eat. I can see more clearly she was suffering. It’s just accepting she wasn’t going to bounce back is difficult. I just didn’t want to accept she wouldn’t get better. It is still a nightmare in my mind and my heart is still so broken, but a small part of me is realizing she was seriously sick. She just always bounced back in some way for years so accepting she wouldn’t was not aceeptable. I still wish I could do more. Thank you for your support.
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curcumas
Animallovinggal, you so know what I have been feeling. Our stories sound so familiar. I have tried, really tried to put my logic ahead of my emotions and for moments I can sometimes. As I stated in another post, I looked at my baby and tried to look at what she was dealing with. What advice would I give someone else if I saw the situation from an outside view. Your baby sounded terribly sick as did mine. I think you, like me, were used to the bouncing back. You treat the problem and then they get better. I guess there has to be a point where there isn’t much more you can do. This is super hard and I’m not going to say I’m not still struggling with the guilt, but maybe we need to accept there was only so much we could do. Honestly, form an outsiders view, it looks like you did all you could. I know how hard it is. It’s like someone has ripped a hole in your heart and you can’t breath. A zillion questions of what if swirl in your head. I don’t know what to say about how to get over it since I am not even close. I read an article today because I though kidney failure wasn’t painful. What it said was that the kidneys themselves don’t cause pain, but other things like toxins, liver issues, etc make animals feel not necessarily pain, but makes them suffer because of what it does to their bodies and how it makes them feel so sick. I used pain as my guide but this article referred to suffering as separate. Your baby sounds like he was not doing well and not responding to the antibiotics. It sounds like he felt pretty bad. I know that last moments are a nightmare. I was there alone and cried the whole time like a baby. I was there for about an hour and my tears ran nonstop. It was horrible. It was horrible to see my girl cry out with the IV as well. It was horrible to feel like I was completely betraying her, it’s horrible that something distracts me for a few minutes and I forget she is gone only to remember a second later and re-live it all again. All that said, I think our babies were not going to get better no matter how much we wanted them to or how much we tried. It’s a hard thing to accept especially after caring for them for so long and loving them so deeply. I don’t know how we stop feeling guilty, but hopefully in time we can accept that we did the right thing. I understand, I truly do understand what you are feeling. I also have another pet at home thankfully. Mine is confused and sometimes it helps me to comfort her. Honestly, your boy really sounded sick and it sounds like you did all you could. It stinks that we take away their pain and suffering only to take it on ourselves. Just know others understand exactly what you are dealing with. I am so so sorry. We need to both work on putting the guilt aside. It doesn’t make the loss any easier, but the guilt just amplifies it. I am truly so sorry.
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Purzel
Curcumas,

I am glad you are slowly coming to terms with what really happened there and that you now can begin the journey of grief without the guilt. We all know that the pain and grief over such a loss is hard enough to bear and it will definitely take some time. You see, it is not really the question of not wanting to accept but it is the only truth - there is no other choice. As time goes, dear Curcumas, acceptance will slowly come to you. And as more time goes you will realize that love will never die.

My good thoughts are with you
Silvia (with Max forever in my heart)

[hundi]


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Animallovinggal
Wow i could have written that same post!!!

I have been in rescue for 28yrs. I have brought some back from the dead. Hit by car. Cut open and left on side of road. All were hard to do but they made it. Just as my little one always bounced back. But when he stopped talking and following me, going and opening thekitchen door where his food was. He would do this and talk till i came in and have him food. Spoiled rotten!

I miss him so bad. But he was very sick. The smell he had was terrible. His little ears and mouth was all jaundice. When he went to hide under my bed, i knew he wss going to stay there and die.

If i ever get in that shape i tell everyone and it is in my will. Let me go do not keep me alive. So i know my baby wanted to tell me. Momma i can't do it this time. 😭😭

Thanks for the support! It means a lot to know i am not going through this alone
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curcumas
Thanks again Purzel. You are very kind and I appreciate your words. Everything you say is true. I am working on it. It’s just so hard, but you know that. Thank you.❤️
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curcumas
It’s been a long time since I posted on here about my baby. I had to let Mango go right after school ended for my son for the summer. I had hoped to spend time with her but things got bad and I made the horrible decision that I still question myself on. For three weeks or so, I let myself morn deeply. I cried all the time. After about a month my son wanted a kitten. I personally didn’t want one but I didn’t want to deny him the love he could have with his own cat. We also had time to let him bond with her since he was home. After two weeks we decided she needed a playmate and got another. This one got so sick and we almost lost her. Even the vets didn’t think she would make it. All those feelings about Mango that I had been working so hard to repress were bubbling up. This new little girl just made it. She went from 3 to 2 lbs in a week and the shelter took her, put her on IV’s and meds and somehow she turned around and they didn’t even charge me. At this point, one more month of summer was left. Again, put the bad feelings away and deal with the issues in front of me. I put my effort into trying to give my son the best summer with our two new girl kittens. Now, summer is ending. My son goes back to school tomorrow. I can’t stop crying. Our wonderful time together watchIng him love our new kitties made my heart feel so good. I always had Mango on my mind, but wouldn’t let myself get upset because I wanted to live in the moment. Tomorrow after I drop him off, I’ll come home to a home that feels strange. Yes we have new kitties, but they bonded with my son. They are so sweet, but I don’t know them well yet.. I used to come home to my girl. I have pushed away the bad feelings, tried to repress them, but now, it is staring me in the face. The last time I dropped him at school I came home to my friend of almost 19 years. She was sick and old, but we had an amazing bond. A history. We had been through so much together. I never felt alone when she was with me. She would follow me to any room I was in and be at the door when I got home. Losing her was so hard, but my situation changed which allowed me to distract myself. No more distractions. I have tried so hard to not make anyone else feel bad about Mango. People don’t understand, even your family at times. I know people feel you should be over it after a time. I am really good at repressing feelings. I did it since I was a child. However, It is hitting me so hard. Like it happened yesterday. I am feeling so sad and so lonely. I wish I had Mango here. I feel like the summer allowed me to hide out, now I have to step out and face reality. I know this may sound strange because many of you are so good at expressing your grief, but I feel like every time I feel it I have to stuff it down. I don’t want to feel it. Every night before bed I allowed myself time to think of her, to talk to her. It was my only time I would let myself connect to it. Tonight is hard. Tomorrow will be harder. I have lost a lot in life and Mango was the most recent. It always hurts. I panic wondering what I will lose next. I want to be a positive person, but right now I just feel so incredibly sad and I wish I had my Mango to hop in bed with me and cuddle up.
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Millie18
Curcumas,

I'm so sorry about the loss of your dear friend.
We all grieve in our own way on our own time. Maybe now with the empty house, son back in school you'll have more time to be with yourself to grieve. It sounds like you've been considerate of everyone else while you put yourself aside. Maybe now you will have the chance to look after your needs. In letting go of some of those tears for Mango you might begin the bonding with your kittens. I know for myself the more I hold everything in the worse I feel until I can't hold it in anymore and I explode.

This site has helped me to let things flow more naturally without holding it in. I hope you find the help here that you need. Your kitty friend Mango is going to be with you always. I talk to my Millie everyday. I keep the good morning and good night routines going. I have her memorial set up in the living room, pictures on my car visors and I wear her beautiful cremation necklace every day. We do whatever helps us get through another day without them. Sending you peace
Diana

Mom to Millie, Roman, Snoopy & step sister to O'Boy
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curcumas
Thank you Diana for your kind words. I had a rough few days, but I’m dealing a little better. I do hold stuff in and it does find its way out usually. Kind of like you said about exploding. I am trying to be open to my new kitties who clearly miss my son. I realize I have kept my distance because I felt bad about Mango. I feel like I’m betraying her. I miss her so much I can’t express how much. There is a comfort in an old friend who loves you unconditionally. Seeing our new girls having trouble adjusting to my son being gone makes me realize I need to try to be there for them more. One is so much like Mango. It’s strange how much. She even has similar mannerisms and likes the same foods. Mango loved milk. I know it’s not good for cats because most can’t handle it, but she could and the vet said it was fine because it gave her some protein. This one little kitten goes crazy over it. We have a mini frig upstairs where we used to keep milk for my son when he was a baby. We still have some in there because he wakes up at night. Mango would run and jump to the top and meow until I gave her a little. This new kitten did that the other day. I didn’t teach her, she just ran up and knew the milk was in there and started meowing for it. It made me cry. 19 years was a long time to have my sweet girl and adjusting without her is tough. My son is growing up and so much is changing. I work sometimes, but it’s not consistent and it’s a bit stressful. Change is hard. I’m sorry about your Millie. It sounds like you have had a rough time as well. It’s never easy losing our furry friends. Thank you for your response and kind words.
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Millie18
I can understand your keeping distance from the new kitties. On the one hand we feel like we are betraying our old friends, but on the other hand we might just be afraid of attaching ourselves to these little furry creatures out of fear of losing them again. 

You are dealing with so much change at one time. 19 years with Mango is a very long time, your son is growing up and changing, your work is inconsistent (mine is as well), Mango was your stabilizing anchor, without her the ground beneath you just keeps shifting. I'm sorry you are having to go through this.

Today has been week #4 without my Millie. The 1st 2 weeks were just a nightmare. Feeling as though I had fallen into a dark pit. Now at week 4 the depth of pain has subsided. I feel sadness especially with little reminders if her that keep popping up, but am feeling more and more gratitude (when I'm not feeling angry about her having been taken away so soon!) about having been picked by her.

I wonder whether Mango has come back into the one kitten that loves milk. Maybe she's sending you a sign for you to love again! Millie has sent me a few messages, not too many, and I wonder whether she will be picking out my next dog for me.

I've also been asking her to help me find work where I'm not gone 12 hours a day. I don't want to foster or adopt if I'm gone for such long periods. I purposely stayed unemployed for almost 6 months because she had changed and we really began to bond. I looooved being with her. I was suffering from health issues from burnout at my last job and needed to recover. Mill turned into the perfect couch potato even though she was usually super high drive and amped up 24 hours a day. She finally calmed down and became my perfect dog, then had stage 4/5 lymphoma and I had to put her down. Very infuriating. The future I had planned for us is gone and that is the worst part.

I've been trying to focus my energy outward and help others here on this site, but also assist in Millie's nose work class, help with former classmates' training and help out neighbors while I'm home. We just have to make it work without our best furry friends...and it's very hard. Just writing that last sentence has me in tears again.

Sending you strength to overcome the many changes in your life and that you may grieve at your own pace in your own time. Message me if you need to, I'll be around : )
Diana

Mom to Millie, Roman, Snoopy & step sister to O'Boy
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curcumas
Diana, you are right, the first few weeks are like a dark pit. The depth subsides a little, but the sadness seems to stay. I am really sorry about Millie. A good friend of mine lost her 2 year old pup to kidney failure. She said her dog settled down and was the perfect pet. She felt so robbed. I lost Mango after almost 19 years. It feels horrible to lose my old friend who I shared so much with, but I can say I had her as long as I could. Losing our pets prematurely adds something more to it. It seems so unfair that you get robbed from the time you could have with them. I truly am sorry. Loss is such a terrible feeling. I’m sorry about your job situation with burnout. I get it. My job can be super stressful at time. I have had some negative heath issues as a result as well. It was nice for me to have the summer to at least step away from that stress and focus on dealing with the cat issues in my home and my son. You are right about the kittens. I am afraid. We almost lost the second and watching her decline threw me into such a painful place. I fought to save her and sometimes I feel like in my mind I was trying to save Mango. All the emotion we so confusing and mixed up. They said if she didn’t turn around in a a few days she wouldn’t make it. Somehow she did but I still felt so upset. I am trying to open up to the kittens and to be honest, they are very sweet. It’s a transition. I miss my old comfortable friend. Like I said, a lot of behavior from the one is so much like Mango. Maybe she is trying to send me a message. Sometimes I swear I feel her. I miss her so much. I looked at your thread and read about your background with Millie. She was so lucky to find you. Her beginning sounded so difficult. I know you didn’t have a lot of time with her, but it sounds like you turned her life around. Stories like that always pull at my heart. You turned her life into a happy loving one and it’s great she was able to have that. It’s not fair and I don’t understand why some things happen. Maybe find a little peace in knowing she was happy at the end and not struggling. I see other names listed at the bottom of your messages. Are they other pets you have now?
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Yasmine
Hi Curcumas:

I also could have written your post myself. It sounds like your kitty was very ill and it also sounds like you gave her a whole lifetime of exceptionally loving care. I think it is very reasonable to rely on the opinion of a vet. (Someone once told me "Dr. Google is not your friend".) Maybe focusing on all of the above will help? I don't know why the guilt is so intense when you lose a pet, which didn't happen when I lost human loved ones. Maybe one way to deal with guilt is to do something in your kitty's memory? In my case, I think I will start making monthly donations to a cat shelter. I'm hoping it will help me feel less guilty.

Take care,
Yasmine
Yasmine
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Millie18
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Diana, you are right, the first few weeks are like a dark pit. The depth subsides a little, but the sadness seems to stay.

It still ebbs and flows on a daily basis, but there is that little glimmer of light that shines through and we hold onto it for dear life. At least that's how I've been feeling.

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I am really sorry about Millie. A good friend of mine lost her 2 year old pup to kidney failure. She said her dog settled down and was the perfect pet. She felt so robbed. I lost Mango after almost 19 years. It feels horrible to lose my old friend who I shared so much with, but I can say I had her as long as I could. Losing our pets prematurely adds something more to it. It seems so unfair that you get robbed from the time you could have with them.

YEs, it's definitely heartbreaking because we worked hard at getting to that ideal friendship of mutual respect and understanding and as soon as we had it all was taken from us. Your poor friend. Such a young spirit taken away so soon. I'm not sure how I would do in that situation. I feel for her.

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I truly am sorry. Loss is such a terrible feeling. I’m sorry about your job situation with burnout. I get it. My job can be super stressful at time. I have had some negative heath issues as a result as well. It was nice for me to have the summer to at least step away from that stress and focus on dealing with the cat issues in my home and my son.

Thank you. I'll be ok in the end. Just feeling lethargic and having a heck of a time getting up and maintaining a routine. I miss my furry alarm clock : ) I'm so glad you had the summer to focus on you and the family (cat and human)

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You are right about the kittens. I am afraid. We almost lost the second and watching her decline threw me into such a painful place. I fought to save her and sometimes I feel like in my mind I was trying to save Mango. All the emotion we so confusing and mixed up. They said if she didn’t turn around in a a few days she wouldn’t make it. Somehow she did but I still felt so upset. I am trying to open up to the kittens and to be honest, they are very sweet. It’s a transition. I miss my old comfortable friend. Like I said, a lot of behavior from the one is so much like Mango. Maybe she is trying to send me a message. Sometimes I swear I feel her. I miss her so much.

I can imagine, the fear and panic all over again for the little one. My brain would be racing 100 miles an hour, the anxiety starting all over again. Part of the feelings might be about the kitten making it and Mango not making it. Part of us would give anything to have our old friends back and question why Mango didn't make it and why the new one did. It's a hard transition to make. My goodness Mango had been with you for such a long time. You had your routines clearly set every day, now without her you are forced to create new ones. It takes quite a bit of adjusting. Hopefully Mango is sending you messages through the one kitten. I'm sure you feel her, no doubt about it. She's watching over you. I swear I feel Mill lying next to me on the couch or on the floor in her bed. To the point that I have to remind myself that she's gone. That's when the sadness sets in again-when the reality kicks in

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I looked at your thread and read about your background with Millie. She was so lucky to find you. Her beginning sounded so difficult. I know you didn’t have a lot of time with her, but it sounds like you turned her life around. Stories like that always pull at my heart. You turned her life into a happy loving one and it’s great she was able to have that. It’s not fair and I don’t understand why some things happen. Maybe find a little peace in knowing she was happy at the end and not struggling. I see other names listed at the bottom of your messages. Are they other pets you have now?

I try to remember how we were both lucky to have had each other, and I am so grateful that I was her chosen guardian, but sometimes the anger just kicks in and I don't want to be accepting and rational-I just want her back. It's part of that rollercoaster ride. Knowing how much she had gone through and knowing how much further we could have gone is what hurts the most. Especially now that I have been helping out in her nosework class and I keep thinking, oh, Mill would have knocked this out of the park, she would have beat out the dogs at the higher levels. She was just so fearless and talented. I pray she helps me find another talented street dog. i have written a love letter to her that I keep adding to. Mainly to not forget the little things as I know I will over time. I have several journals as well and want to write a book about the throwaway dog and how she overcame her life obstacles. I had started a book on my other dumpster dog Roman. Hopefully some day I will be able to work through the tears to write them both. Currently I'm dogless. All of the dogs in my signature have passed. I think the longest I had been without has been 6 weeks during the last 15 years. I may end up at 6 months this time because of my not working and being financially so behind. Also, realizing how prevalent cancer is nowadays. Millie was my 1st cancer dog and being that I always adopt mixes I thought we would have had a better chance at good health. I honestly thought she would have died from a crazy Millie induced accident, broken neck, broken back, because of her over the top physical antics. Next time I need to keep a large cancer fund. I have always had pet insurance, but one must pay in advance before they reimburse. 

Sorry for the long ramblings. I hope your weekend has been going well and wish you many positive thoughts of your Mango friend and fun with your new kitties. (((Hugs)))
Diana

Mom to Millie, Roman, Snoopy & step sister to O'Boy
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