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Lily123

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Reply with quote  #1 
It’s been almost 2 months since lily passed. I feel so much guilt. I still cry and feel so anxious all of the time. I got her blood tests and ultrasound done and the vet seemed confident it was cancer and a tumor was starting to grow in her small intestine. Turns out, after looking at the official results and consulting with a different vet, that it was focal thickening that could turn into a tumor. Still, I was convinced it was cancer and didn’t see the point of pursuing an ultrasound with this new vet. I was planning on keeping her comfortable until it was her time and she didn’t have a quality of life. I thought I had time to figure this out, but 5 months after her symptoms started, she was in such bad shape she had to be put to sleep. Now after doing some research, I realized this could have been IBD. If this was the case I could have put her on steroids and changed her diet and she would still be here. I feel like I killed her. To think she may have slowly starved to death and been in pain for something I could have prevented makes me sick. I should have kept going with the 2nd vet. How could I have been so blind? why did I just give up? I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive myself. Time has not healed anything. I hope that she knows if I knew I could saved her and if I had the info I do now, I would have done everything.
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Judicoltrain

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Reply with quote  #2 
I also feel this way too the guilt is killing I'll never get over it. My baby had kidney failure n I was doing soon I could to keep it stable he seemed to be doing fine vet changed his meds and he started to lose his appetite n didn't act right last wkend but he was eating a little n if he wasn't better by morning I was gonna take him. He was walking like he was wobbly but he seemed fine n still eating. He woke me up in the middle of night with a noise n I jumped up and he was shaking couldn't use his hind legs his front legs was stiff n shaking I rushed him into emergency vet and kept telling him to hang on n stay with me. The vet came n told me he was paralyzed cause if broken vertebrae in his back.i was so distraught I couldn't think and never thought to ask her how you know cause you didn't take xray. I don't know if I would have told her to do a blood panel and see if something is off making him do this would have made a difference but cause whatever it was it wasn't good to see him this way. I will never know just cause I couldn't think of what to do. I'll never live it down for the rest of myself
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Judi coltrain
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Judicoltrain

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Reply with quote  #3 
I'm so angry with myself cause seeing him this way I couldn't think of what to do. How is that possible he depended on me and I should have told them to do whatever it takes to see what is wrong. I'm sorry my baby Bret. I wish I could be with you
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Judi coltrain
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DogMom86

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Reply with quote  #4 
To both posters, please stop being so hard on yourself and feeling guilty! I think most of us tend to go towards guilt when we lose a loved  one as part of our grief.

Judi: My Chihuahua, Mija had kidney failure as well. The disease is terrible and I thought I could help her fight it, but three months later she was so skinny. The last three days of her life she wouldn't eat, potty, and couldn't walk. I think you did the right thing if your little one was paralyzed and had kidney disease. We always blame ourselves when really there's nothing we can do.

Lily: Stop blaming yourself as well. You don't know that if you went to the other vet it couldn't have become cancer. My Golden, London had a huge tumor in her spleen. I could have insisted the vet do surgery (she was 15, btw) and it could have been non-cancerous. However, she had lumps in several other places, couldn't eat (anything she ate she threw up) and couldn't move (vestibular syndrome) so my husband and I made the decision to have her put to sleep. I blamed myself at first thinking what if overreacted and it wasn't cancer? It most likely was and she probably had it for some time.

The honest truth is we do the best we can for our babies. Sometimes letting them go and not letting them suffer more pain and draw out treatments is the kindest gift we can give (hugs)

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Mija, Chihuahua: 2004-2019
16 years
London, Golden Retriever: 2005-2020
15 years

Mom to Misty, Sango, Tami, Abby, Kawaii and Pepita the Chihuahua

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Wheezy_Beezy

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Reply with quote  #5 
I know the feeling, i lost my beloved Evangeline to kidney failure last month and I'm absolitely devastated. I blame myself every day. But try to remind yourself you did your best and just because things could've been different, doesnt mean they would've been better. Hang in there.
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"The smallest feline is a masterpiece"
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Judicoltrain

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Reply with quote  #6 
So sorry for your loss wheezy beezy I'm also just devastated it was terrible n I thought it was under control but he all of a sudden took turn for worse I'm so lost without him don't know what to do
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Judi coltrain
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Judicoltrain

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Reply with quote  #7 
Dog mom 86 thank you and yes kidney failure is a devastating thing to see your baby go thru but it was manageable with meds and diet and yes his kidney levels would fluctuate but they werent off the wall. How does a dog become paralyzed in hind legs from kidney disease. Yes last wkend he become weaker n somewhat wobbly , his appetite wasn't great the last couple wks and was having trouble pooping last couple days few months ago he was having little tremors but he would be fine. He also the last couple of wks acting confused and not interested in much. But I'm not understanding the being paralyzed in back legs. That's why I question myself may be his electrolytes went haywire n I should have had the checked. I just had his calcium n potassium checked couple wks ago n it was fine. I don't know I'll never be free of this
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Judi coltrain
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Mslinda

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Reply with quote  #8 
To all of us. How you are feeling is a natural step in the grief process. We will go over everything and every step up until our pets passing. We all loved our sweet pets and we would have done anything within our powers to save them. I lost my protector and friend Comet ,a beautiful, brave, fearless German shepherd on 12/23/19 . I wanted to die that day myself. I'm still crying myself to sleep every night. 11/22/19 I took comet to my vet to have a lipoma removed from his neck. I noticed his eating habits was changing to very little consumption. So, I took him back to my vet twice. My vet couldn't find anything wrong so, I found a more equipped vet. They immediately found he had fluid in his lungs and was starting to prep him for removal of the fluid. I was holding and comforting Comet all that morning before the surgery. Comet jumped up from me went to the floor and collapsed. I ran for help. The vet gave him a shot to restart his heart. He came back but didn't make it. I fell to the floor screaming in so much pain and disbelief. Comet had only been sick once in all of his 13 years I had him and that was with worms because he was a little pup. I wanted to go with him. So, now I pretend I'm happy so my family won't worry about me. I beat myself up the entire month of January of this year wondering and asking myself, why didn't I do this and that. But, I know, we all come to this world with a birthday and a death day. God is the only one that knows that death day. So, please let's try to get through this awful time in our lives without the guilt, because guilt will eat us alive. It's part of the grieving process. I pray for all of us each day.
God bless,
Linda
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Achilly

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Reply with quote  #9 
Ms Linda I'm also feeling so much quilt today.😢 my boy was also my big giant pretector.
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Achilly

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Reply with quote  #10 
Judi the feeling of guilt is so overwhelming....
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Lily123

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Reply with quote  #11 
I agree that it is overwhelming. I just always think, maybe she could still be here. The mornings are always the hardest.

It is true though that we shouldn’t blame ourselves. We only had good intentions for our pets. It is so hard not to think of the “could haves” and “what if’s”
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Mslinda

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Reply with quote  #12 
Coming home in the mornings are the worst for me because, comet would always bark to greet me with such happiness and jumping for joy to see me. He was always happy to see me and I would rush to him and give him a kiss and a hug. I hate coming home now because it's nothing but silence. I still squeak his toy because he love to play with his toy. I miss comet so much.. Lord, if I could make this pain go away. I would be ok. May God bless all of us.
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Judicoltrain

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Posts: 105
Reply with quote  #13 
Hi archilly how are you doing... me not well yet 10 days today n just like yesterday. I get out to store but when I go in i just want to get out of there as fast as I can. Then all I think of is coming home to empty house again. I pray for us and everyone on here that we all make it through this nightmare.
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Judi coltrain
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mybaby1robert

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Reply with quote  #14 
I posted today about my Robert.  This feeling that I could have done better is still with me as it seems to be with many of us.  I guess we just try the best we can to make correct decisions and then we live with it.  It is not easy and I think of all of you here.  This is a good place and it helps to come here.  
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Mslinda

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Reply with quote  #15 
Yes, it does because I know everyone here is feeling just like me. I dont even like talking to people who dont own a pet or who has never lost a pet because they can't relate to my pain and gives me this strange look like why am I so depressed and hurt. I've lost several good dogs recently, but it didn't affect me like my comet did. Comet made me feel so safe when I went for walks with him. If someone was walking on the street, he would always get in front of me and growl as if he was warning them not to mess with me. He was so protective and fearless. God, what am I going to do. I just want the pain to stop.
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