GeeAnn
Today it has been 19 days since we said goodbye to our sweet Riley.  So unexpected and traumatic to have to make the decision.  I have cried every day since--some days have been worse than others.  Today, I thought about him when I got up like I do every morning but I was running late and had to hurry and I didn't cry.  A few hours later, it hit me that I hadn't thought about him all morning and hadn't cried and so I started crying because I felt like I was forgetting about him!  Getting to a point of some peace makes me feel guilty, but staying in the depths of grief is so very painful.  Anyone else experience this?  I don't remember feeling this way when we lost our Sadie 8 years ago.   
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camunki
i know how you feel GeeAnn, i am going on 25 weeks since my baby Munki transistioned......and yes, i still cry everyday, and i sometimes feel very very guilty if I do "not" cry, then i feel like I am abandoning her memory and forgetting her. But, the tears that flow daily are real, i don't have to force them, when I take my other dogs for walks in the wood, when i have time to just breathe and think..........thats when the tears come down. I do know  too, that there have been times that i am so busy with life, that I sometimes don't even think of my Munki, and that saddens me.......I guess we all are busy in life.

19 days is so new for you, and I know your Riley held a huge place in your heart, and the road to grieving is never easy, somedays are better than others, then out of the blue you can just have a really bad, bad day without warning. I know I do, yesterday I was so "guilt ridden" thinking too much of how i could have and should have done something different for my Munki.

Please know you are not alone...


Cam


 
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JerseyNonna
geeann, cam is so right sweetie and 19 days is so recent for your loss of riley.  please know that just because you don't cry almost every minute of the day these days it does not mean that you are going to forget dear riley.  whether we want it to or not life goes on and riley knows how you feel about him and how much you love him still.  we all know what you are feeling hon and you are going through what seems to be the normal progression of grief since we've all gone through it...and still going through it.  I have now been without my dear service dog roxie since the evening after Christmas and while i'm no longer the complete basket case that I was, I still have periods of bad days where the tears flow so often each day that my heart hurts again all over.  my days now aren't as good of a quality as they were when roxie was at my side diligently helping me and making sure that I was keeping calm and keeping my balance, but in her honor and memory I just can't give up or stop trying to move forward.  guilt during the grieving process can absolutely undermine all the strides forward our heart is trying to make to recall all the love for our furbabies and less of the hurt of those last moments, but only if we let it.  gosh I remember starting to wonder all sorts of questions - could've, would've, should've sort, and then I realized that nothing could have been done to change the outcome of that evening.  in essence I kicked guilt to the curb and it hasn't tried to intrude on my grieving since.  i'm now able to look at roxie's pictures with so much love and smiles, though the tears do swell up from time to time especially on Saturdays.  not crying doesn't mean we are ever forgetting our loved fur-babies, it does mean that our hearts are allowing us to feel their love that they stored deep down inside for us to keep safe until we are reunited with them again.  sometimes love brings tears in a cleansing way but mostly love gives us smiles at loving memories and a way for us to continue living without the one soul who never complained about us, never argued with us, the one who just loved us to the moon and beyond.  sending you many many hugs and we're here for you!
JerseyNonna
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elliemeewiz
I'm mostly numb myself, although when I read your thoughts I started crying a lot, because I'm afraid of forgetting my Wizberry too. Not that that could ever happen but you know what I mean- I don't want to move on with my life without him.

I think for me the pain is so overwhelming that I'm trying to stifle it down or something. Just do whatever you feel like doing there is no right or wrong for grief or how you choose to deal with the loss. each person takes it differently there are no rules. There are going to be times when we're not thinking of them just like when they were with us. I'm sure when you went to work or something you were not constantly thinking of your Riley right? I know I often felt guilty in the past two years when I was caring for wiz when I went out and enjoyed myself because I feel I should've been at home with him a lot more. Even though I spent a lot of time with him. Hugs to you
My beloved sweet Tess August 1999 - February 21 2001
My beloved loyal Byron March 1998 - April 28 2008
My sweet beloved girlie Angelina April 2001- September 2012
Me & my sweet beloved Wizberry forever 1998- April 21, 2016
My sweet beloved Snow Goddess Sybil girlie April 2001- May 11,2018
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GeeAnn
Thank you to those who have responded.  Your thoughts are helpful.  Ellie, you are right, I did not think of Riley all the time when he was alive.  But I did plan my lunch and after work activities around him.  Just making sure he had some time outside and was fed before I went off to do whatever I was doing.  And if it was storming or looked like it was going to I thought of him because I knew he would be looking for the best place to hide and he would need his thundershirt.  My days are up and down and you are right, there is no right or wrong way to grieve.  We just have to let it process however is best for each of us.  HUGS to you in your loss of your special guy.
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elliemeewiz
Thanks Geeann. I thought about wiz too during the time out :-)  Yes some days are awful.. today I'm just staying in bed for a while. 
My beloved sweet Tess August 1999 - February 21 2001
My beloved loyal Byron March 1998 - April 28 2008
My sweet beloved girlie Angelina April 2001- September 2012
Me & my sweet beloved Wizberry forever 1998- April 21, 2016
My sweet beloved Snow Goddess Sybil girlie April 2001- May 11,2018
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CKMP
GeeAnn
So sorry for your loss of Riley.  Grief is a 'funny' entity isn't it . . . Yes, like everyone above has said - we end up punishing ourselves in every way we possibly can through this journey.  Guilt for this, for that, for the other thing.  And then guilt for not thinking about them, guilt for going out, guilt for enjoying the sunshine of the day when we are without them . . . Days are so unpredictable - and we all seem to swing between the "sort of good, the bad and the down right ugly"!  I think we are all so worried too about forgetting the specialness of our companion - it seems like their physical paw prints fade too quickly - that favourite blanket or toy loses the scent of our friend, the rain washes away outside traces and the birds, and small animals visiting the yards seem to become increasingly bold and numerous. . .  We all seem to long for that special one's uniqueness to stay physically with us, to hold one to them for as long as possible. . .  As others have said above - life has a way of just going on - minutes, hours and days move along whether we want them to or not - It is a bit frightening - it moves along and moves us along with it.  At times it seems as if we are moving further away from our special companion.. . no matter what we do.  Time and space . . .
Do what is best and right for you - cry, do not cry . . . Only you can experience and deal with the grief you have in your unique way.  Like our special companions - all unique and so very personal to us.  Warm thoughts. . . 
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