AvySparkles
Hi everyone, 

It seems like days are going by and I cannot even believe that 10 days ago was the last time I saw my Junior. Evenings and night time are the worse lately. I wake up with this ache in my heart. Reminding me of that terrible morning when I found my cat. However, night times are the worse. It was our moments together with my cats. We would spend time hugging, cuddling, brushing, talking (yep talking) on the couch. Now when I sit on the couch, even with the tv on and with Marley next to me, I feel this emptyness that just hurts so much it's almost unbearable. It is like somebody is trying to pull my heart out of my chest. I'm always losing my breath in that moment. It usually last until I can finally find sleep from exhaustion. Since 10 days ago, I cannot sleep in my bed. I don't know when I will be able to do sleep there again.

Today and last wednesday I went to see cats at some shelters. It helped change my mind a little bit and filled me with joy to see all those cute babies. However, it is just another distraction. I also feel  like I cannot attach to another fur baby. I am distant, even tho  they touch me in some ways. Junior and I had this strong bond. It is so difficult to explain in words. We would worry for me when I was hurting, he would cuddle with me when I was sad, always cheer me up when he felt I had a bad day. He was so sensitive. I don't feel like I ever bond with any other humans that way. I am a shy person and I don't open up easily. I don in forums, where I can feel more anonymous but not face to face with another human being. However, I do felt like Junior could understand me. He didn't want me to open up and speak my mind, he just was there for me whenever. I could remain silent and it was fine. 

I am feeling better during the day, when I don't think about anything other then work. However, as soon as my mind stop being busy, it comes back. It's like hitting a brick wall. Nothing can comfort me, it just has to ravage me inside like a hurricane and I have to wait until it stops. This pain, even tho it is not consuming me all day long, seems even deeper and stronger then it was on day one. I am well aware that mourning takes time. However, I wonder when I will be able to think about my little cat without feeling like my inside is burning and I am about to explode. However, I am also afraid to accept that my Junior is gone. It is as if I keep hurting that way, he is not really gone for real, this is not real. This might sound weird, but this is how I feel. I cannot really explain more. 

Even talking to other people that loved and loss pet doesn't really make it. I end up feeling like they cannot understand how deep my pain is (except here, of course). I feel shy to share this pain. There is not another moment when I needed him the most then now and he's the only missing piece. 

Junev2.png 
Avy Sparkles
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Lamont
Avy, I hope you have a better day tomorrow. Good to hear you have Marley to share your grief. Animals seem to understand better than people do. 
L

Bertie's Daddy
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catiebee
I'm hearing you on how difficult the nights are. Especially sounds like that was your time with your little loves and I can understand that emptiness.

I think you'll know when and if the time comes to add to your pet family. I'm glad it was a bit heartening to see kitties at the shelter.

I hate that almost nothing brings you comfort these days. Gosh, it's such a huge hole they leave in our hearts! And it takes soooo long to really heal from such a broken heart.

You're in my thoughts this morning. Hope things start to get even a bit easier.
Catie
-Missing Marissa deeply
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laarnie1231
He's beautiful! I agree, the nights are worst. You miss them laying in your bed, settling in your comfortable spaces. It still pains me not to see my fur baby, Boboy, on his bed in the morning and at night. I even miss his cough (he has CHF). Hang in there, Avy. I'm here if you need to talk to. I know, it'll get better in time. 
"Dogs come into our lives to teach us about love, they depart to teach us about loss. A new dog never replaces an old dog, it merely expands the heart."

https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/BOBOY001/Resident.htm#PhotoAlbum
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Sampson
My deepest ondolences on the loss of your beloved Junior. This is a safe place for you to share your grief but I would say not to worry if others don't understand. You have every right to be sad and grieve this loss. It is a good idea to keep busy but do let yourself experience this loss so that you may heal. Wishing you peace,
Sam
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AvySparkles
Today I went to the vet to get Junior's paw print. The person that took care of him was so kind to grab a little bit of his fur to go along with the paw print. I am very grateful that she did it. I decided not to take the urn and I guess it is a personal choice. For me it is the soul that matters, not the corpse which is just a recipient. I do understand that for some it means a lot to bring them back home and I do respect that. I am glad I got the paw print the night of the candle ceremony. I feel like this is all gonna help me to mourn my little kitty. I read on another post that someone kept hearing their dog paws clicking on the floor. Well I keep hearing my little Junior meow when I come home, as if he was still greeting me. I kept that for myself until this moment, because I thought maybe people would think I am crazy. I guess hearing it from someone else makes it more normal. However, I do hope he's gonna find peace and I hope to find it as well. Sending you all my love and support on this difficult moment. 
Avy Sparkles
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Eileennellie
No, not crazy at all! I think the harder it is for us, the more our pets try to help us cope. The first weeks after my most recent losses, I had all sorts of things happen that really helped me, and even now, when I have a particularly rough day, I see signs from them. And I agree, the body is just a vessel, the soul is what matters. I have my babies ashes, but that's just for my own comfort, as I know that's not them. Once they are gone, I know they are at peace and happy. And I firmly believe we will be with them again someday.
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Kittypiller
I still hear and feel Butters from time to time, she seems to come to me when i need her the most. My othe cats seem to sense when shes here to and its far from crazy i know alot of people experience the same thing
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Eviee
You are exactly like me,.....i feel exactly worsst disgusting ,this life...afyer my dearest bun passed away, a month ago....I will never forgive myself nor god ,i loved my bun ,more than words, than any other cats or bunnies i ever reared. I hate humans usually..and i never like people. My dearest understood me so much...all along.

Now ,two years , my beside ,where he used to hide ,eat or enjoy, is empty
I CANT TAKE THOS ,NO,NOT AT ALL..THIS IS TOO MUVH FOR ME. NOW I FORCE GOT A NEW BUN TO ATLEAST , GET A HEAVE OFF FOR MY DEAR BUN, WHO IS NOW FAR FROM MY HELP. BUT IT DOES NT WORK. It is a sin, to try to replace, fill the emptiness with another pet....no...no body can replace ,my dearest bun..the best...is no less than best......
How can i live all alone, should i imagine my buns ghost for love. Even then ,it seems ,my dear left life too early, or some evil barred him from this life s wonders. IT ONLY SEEMS SO.
I DO NT KNOW, WHAT DEEP WAILING CAN PLEAD FOR A SUDDEN LOVES DEATH, THIS LOSS IS TERRIBLE........NO TEARS CAN REVIVE....Iive like a zombie, insane and lifeless, bereaved, stolen off of my most dear ,dearest own.....from my life s entire span.....SOB...sob...sob....I wish this never happened ,he should have never died......this fate was never meant for my bun.INDISCRIMINATE.
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AvySparkles
Dear Eviee, thank you for passing by and sending your message. Please, do take care of yourself. I know this pain is so deep and hurt so much, but I really wish that you are safe and can find some peace in difficult times. I do understand how you feel about humans and they are scary at times. However, there are also good people that have animal heart around this planet. This forum is filled with them. Have faith, my fear friend. I am sending you all my love and support and I am so sorry for your bun, this is just unfair. 
Avy Sparkles
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toospoyld
I can totally relate to everything you are saying.  My cat, Buddy, was my best friend and comforter and nights are the worst for me too.  He would always curl up partially on my pillow and partially over my side....I miss feeling him cuddled up next to me.  It hurts so bad....  I've had people suggest I get another cat but I just cannot do that.  I don't want to replace him and I also don't want to go through this pain and hurt again.  I will keep you in my prayers and pray that you will find peace and know that your baby is always in your heart and memories.
Alice M DeVaughn
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