MissingRuffalo92917 Show full post »
FuzzyLogic wrote:
Dear MissingRuffalo,

We had to put our beloved little Maddie down 9 days ago.  She was old and declining, and had clearly told us that it was time, so the situation is not quite the same.  But I also had to hold her as the light went out from her eyes.  I'm trying to remember happier looks she gave me instead.  Losing a beloved friend is a uniquely awful pain.  Having to be a part of the decision to let them go is even worse.  I will leave you with only two bits of possible comfort.

As humans, we can't help but live partly in the future.  If someone told me I had cancer tomorrow, and I could either live for one year without treatment, or 3 years with treatment that made me miserable, I would take the extra time.  It might mean that I could see my girls graduate from school, get married, or possibly be able to meet a grandchild before I died.  And if I had the diagnosis, part of my sorrow we be over knowing that I would n't be around to see things like this, or celebrate my 50th anniversary, or go to Paris for 2 weeks after I retired.  It's the lack of a future that makes us grieve for ourselves, and for the people and pets that we lose.  Dogs live in the now.  they know nothing of the future.  They know how they feel right now, and can't feel sadness over what they might miss months or years down the road.  Ruffalo knew that he was in pain right then.  You knew that it was only going to get worse.

The second thing, and the only thought that let me know that I did the right thing with Maddie is this: when you woke up on the morning of that awful day, you felt fine, but your dog felt pain.  Thanks to the decision you made, Ruffalo feels no pain, but you feel awful.  You took his pain away from him and wrapped yourself in it so that he didn't have to feel it any more.  If there is a more succinct definition of love in this world, I don't know what it is.

There are no words of comfort that can make that hurt any less.  But you can at least know that you did the only loving thing that could do.

Thank you so much for stating dogs live in the now. Most of my guilt comes from feeing like I failed my boy. Feeling as if he was looking back at me that day which the vet was placing the mess in his IV as if he was upset with me. I replay that day over and over in my head, when I’m falling asleep it pops in my mind again and I’m terrified. Why Ruffalo, why cancer so young, why why why! I can’t grasp the fact that he had so much life ahead of him and it was all taken away within such a short time. I blame myself for working so much when he was alive, was it so important to work that overtime? Now it means nothing because I lost that precious time with my best friend.

The year 1/2 we did have with him were so full of memories though and I just try to focus on that. I have 100s of videos of him and pictures that it overwhelms me to think he’s gone. I watch them over and over and just cry. We are nearing almost 5 months since he has been gone and I feel like it hasn’t gotten any easier. I beg when I pray at night for him to just come back or just to see him running to me when I walk in the door and giving me kisses but it never happens. You’re right though he is no longer in pain from that nasty cancer and I can only hope he is running his little heart out and making friends like he always did! I really appreciate your kind words and I apologize for not writing sooner, as I stated to the previous reply I just could not bring myself to log one during the holidays, everyone is hurting and I couldn’t bare to see anything more to upset me. I pray things are good for you and you’re healing!! Thanks again for your kind words.
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Thought I would share my bracelet I got to place Ruffalos ashes in and a necklace a family member go me for Christmas.

Not a day goes by that I am not thinking of my sweet boy. Boy was Christmas hard! He should be here but he wasn’t he only got 1 Christmas with us and I and so depressed about it. I know though that while he was here on this earth with us he had a good life I just hate that I couldn’t take his pain away and fix him. 1 1/2 years was not long enough with my boogs. I know they say there are steps to grieving but I just feel stuck in the sadness to even move forward. He was the best dog and sweetest thing ever! I love you forever Ruffalo Trace <3
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MissingRuffalo, I too had to say goodbye to my baby girl Satin Marie June 1, 2017 due to cancer. She got the tumors around June 2015 and we removed them but they came back the following year and by February of 2017 we were going to the University of Missouri Cancer Care Clinic for chemo and radiation. It looked as of she was going to beat them again but by the end of May 2017 she started getting worse. It's been terrible and then December 27, 2017 I had to say goodbye to my Shepherd baby because he kept getting into fights with the last dog we rescued, from a shelter in Florida in 2011. 8 incidents in 6 1/2 years. I had no other options. I would not put him in a shelter, to essentially die. There was nobody I trusted to care for him as we did and the two family members who would have taken him already had smaller dogs. I hated to do it but, even though I know it was for the best, it kills me that I essentially murdered my baby baby. I was with Satin and Apollo up to the very end, as it should have been. 

Your Ruffalo was beautiful! Here are some pics of my two kids. We still have two boys at home but tings are not the same and they never will be.

This is Apollo shortly before our final truck ride together.


And this is my baby girl Lab Angel Satin Marie at the puppy spa several hours before I had to end her suffering of the cancer.

Satin day spa.jpg 

I too cry all the time. While driving to work because I go the same route I took to take Satin Marie for her chemo, on the way home from work, at home, I wake up crying. And now, thinking of what I did (had to do?) to my Apollo. I joined a pet loss grief counseling group last June shortly after losing Satin Marie and it helps but just barely. I try not to talk about them to others because of the looks and knowing most people do not understand. When I tell people how much money we spent trying to save Satin Marie, they look at me as if lobsters are coming out of my ears. It was never about the money, I would have spent thousands more. I even took Apollo to the same clinic for behavioral treatment but it didn't help him and I would have spent as much as it took.

My entire world is upside down and I worry about my other two boys who are both about 10 years old. I dread the thought of losing either one of them anytime soon. I am not cure if when the time comes, if afterwards, I will bring another dog into our house. I like to think I will but as I get older, I worry about them outliving me and then what would happen to them?

I wish you peace and happy thoughts about your beautiful boy. Cherish the good memories, since all of our memories of our babies are just that, good ones. I believe that one day, we will all be reunited with our furbabies. I have to believe that.

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This is a cute dog in black. I  like 
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