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TJay

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Reply with quote  #1 
I let my little girl Nina go yesterday... she suffered from end stage kidney failure at 10 almost 11 years old. After leaving the vets office with her little 3lb body i was devastated. She’s in her little coffin box I made her and I’m scared to let go and bury her, I have so much anxiety, my heart hurts, I can’t sleep without her next to me like we did for the past 10 years.... I feel so lonely even though I have family in the house with me. I cry every time I look at her things and see my empty bed... I am so scared of coming home after work tomorrow and her not being here to greet me like she did for the past 10+ years of my life.. she followed me everywhere, couldn’t even go to the restroom without her crying for me. I don’t know if I’ll get better with time? The holidays are coming up and I know it’s going to be so painful without her. I’v never experienced so much anxiety and pain but I hope to find peace someday...

By the way the picture is us cuddling together (she slept like a baby on my chest alot)

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catiebee

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Reply with quote  #2 
Tiffany, I'm so, so sorry for your loss of little Nina. There's nothing worse than the pain right after such a huge loss. Everyone here understands and I hope you'll keep writing. To lose your best friend who has stayed so close and loving for years is devastating and heartbreaking. Hugs to you, and I wish you much healing, bit by bit.
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-Missing Marissa deeply
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Chinadoll

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Reply with quote  #3 
Dear Tjay, I am so so sorry for your loss. The picture of Nina sleeping on your chest is so sweet, special, beautiful. I know, I remember, how difficult this time can be. I lost my 3lb Chihuahua 'China Doll' almost two years ago. Your description of Nina reminded me so much of my little sweetheart. For over 10 years she slept on my chest when we would go to bed, she was always in my lap, always. This constant love and companionship, the routines, the love were so very hard to lose. It took me months before I could talk to anyone except my wife. It took me months before I could post her story here on the forum. My heart surely goes out to you. We all have to handle this journey as best as we can, there are no quick answers. Just a few things I did to help: I started a journal to write to her, sometimes daily, of my feelings and what my emotions were going through. I still write to her in my journal, but now every couple weeks. I wrote down all the little things about her, our routine, the cute things she did, all the memories I did not want to fade away over time, the little things. I light candles every Sunday for her (and my other dog Nicky) to honor them for a few minutes, to be with them more spiritually. I came here seeking help and met so many wonderful friends reaching out to me. I speak 'out loud' to both of them on occasion, it helped me feel closer. I rounded up all their pictures, to preserve them. I prayed a lot. I read many books on pet loss and grief. I'm in a much better place now, but the journey was so difficult. I pray for peace and blessings to you. They are wonderful souls, we will see them again (my belief). I also know that they were sent to me, for a purpose, to show me the greatest love, to teach me to be a better person, to open me up. They truly are angels and will live in our hearts forever. Blessings.
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TJay

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Reply with quote  #4 
Thank you so much EVERYONE!!! It’s so comforting to hear stories just like mine and to know that there are people out there that cared for their pets just like I did mine. I hope to one day come and write on here when I’m at peace and when I’ve accepted the silence... for now this helps me so much. I do also believe that I will get to see her cute little face again... this is so HARD! I really really am so grateful for this forum
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TJay

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Reply with quote  #5 
Oh my little Nina, today was so so so hard. I’m home sick with strep and didn’t go to work and all I could do is cuddle and sniff your favorite blanket. The tears are becoming less and less but somehow my grief is still strong. I’m trying to hold it together, especially infront of the boys because I know they will cry too. Thanksgiving is getting closer and closer and I can’t help but think about you not being there sitting with me like a baby in my arms (you loved when I carried you like a baby) everyone loved how good you were at the table and how much you loved food, I don’t know how that much food could fit in your tiny little body. I will miss you so much, I haven’t even eaten properly since you passed. I think it’s because eating was a routine for us, I would eat and then go feed you at the same time or before or after sometimes depending if you were still sleeping. I don’t think I’ll ever feel whole again without you Masiquita. I can’t wait for the day we meet again!
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Chinadoll

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Reply with quote  #6 
Tjay, these special holidays are so difficult without our little fur babies. It is especially hard for all the 'first' times we all go through, as you are doing now. I love the picture your words painted of little Nina at the table, how cute is that. Those little chihuahuas do love to eat, it is always so hard to say no, they just enjoy it so much. Sleeping and eating were the two things that I could just not do for a while. I did regain my appetite later but when you have them sleeping with you, or on you, every night for so many years, that was the hardest thing to get used to after she was gone. I used a pillow and blanket like you were talking about to comfort me. I still have a hard time getting off to sleep, I guess that won't change. I pray for peace and comfort for you during these rough times, I pray you will be able to feel her closeness each day and know that she is still with you, watching over you, for ever. Blessings.



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TJay

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Reply with quote  #7 
Chinadoll,
You couldn’t of explained it better than that, all the ‘first times’. I’ve been looking for the words to help explain what it’s like to someone who doesn’t understand like my friends and you said it! Hopefully I will regain appetite, my family has started to notice that I’m not eating enough. For now they think it’s because I have strep but once that’s gone who knows what they will think. My family is so over it and I don’t even talk to them anymore. I’m thankful for this forum and people like YOU! Blessings to you and your family. We will see how today and tomorrow go...
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TJay

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Reply with quote  #8 
Nina, today marks 2 weeks almost on the dot @5:49p.m. I can’t help but to sit here and think about your cute little face. I’m sitting in the parking lot of a store not wanting to go in because I don’t want to lose this memory of you I have on my mind. You were my best friend, every weekend we would just hang out and cuddle and watch movies together... today I’m actually going out. Wow! I didn’t think I would ever say that but I need to get my mind off things. I miss you 😘 more than anything in the world 🌎 I can’t wait to be with you again. Swisher misses you too, he has been napping in your room and he knows your gone because he sniffs your stuff all the time. I love you my little girl. Nothing in the world will take your place! I wish you could of been here to see me have kids and a family. Thank your for the best days of my life Nina, you taught me so much especially how to love. God, give my nina a kiss for me until I get to see her and kiss her again. Mommy loves you my beautiful baby girl Masiquita!

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Brownie74

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Reply with quote  #9 
Hi TJay
I hope you are feeling better, as Nina would want for you. To remember all the love and joy u both shared with each other. As time goes by the pain will lessen. Its very hard in the beginning to process it all, the loss, the guilt, the pain and loneliness of it is like a whirlwind of emotions. And our brain is taking it all in at once. The 9th of Dec marks my Boys 3rd month. I can tell u this WS my first boy, and no kids for me. Just us two for 10 years, and losing him had me so confused of Why, How, and I thought I didn't do my part bcuz it just came so fast. But after a little time, I'd brainstorm. Trying to make sense of it all, and I still came back to blaming myself! But now, with the help of the lord, and by prayer and petition. I can just grieve him, without the feeling of guilt that I had let him down. We all go through this, what seems as never ending guilt and sadness. I'm time you will see this, but now its the hardest. Our words of knowing that each of us here and similarly stories helps us to heal and eventually come to terms with the worst part. At that time you will are and remember better times, all that you did do for Her. Your Nina knows you did all you could and loved Her with all of your heart. I wish u well,Jess
Many hugs and prayers

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TJay

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Reply with quote  #10 
Hi!
Thank you for your sweet message. As you know as the time passes I will have better days. I can’t believe it’s been only 2 weeks! I feel like I’ve been on the worst roller coaster in my life! One day I do really well and then others I’m in such depression and sadness. I wish I could fast forward time sometimes because the pain is too much to handle... I hope one day I find my peace and I know god will help me get there. I’m glad there are people like you who know what this feels like because it helps me a lot. Thank you so much for thoughts and prayers in these hard times!

I hope you continue to heal
Tiffany
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Jubee7303

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Reply with quote  #11 
Hi TJay. Its Jubee7303. I just spotted your original post. The pain does come and go, isnt it awful? I keep coming back here and randomly scrolling through entries to find my people in mourning. So many times i want to text my friends how much i miss Jubee but i stop myself because i think they just cant possibly give me any more sympathy. As the days go by, i find myself in just a funk and i cant figure out whats wrong with me and i can only think its missing Jubees love in my life. Honestly i always knew it was going to be bad when she was gone but i didnt realize how much she filled my heart and my days. We were buds. We were friends. I have lost my best friend who was by my side through all the ups and downs, moves and breakups, losses and joys for the last 16 years! We took hikes everyday sometimes twice a day exploring, having fun. I keep thinking how stupid it was that she is gone because of slipping on that stupid kitchen floor and doing so much damage to an already damaged little body that she could not recover from that. It all comes down to that moment. Then i have to tell myself she was 16, with issues, and any moment was going to be the moment sooner or later. But why now? If only...if only...
Christmas is coming and she had wrapped gifts every year to tear open. Her favorite was beef jerky. She could smell that through all the packaging! She would get big stuffed animals because she always liked curling up next to her pack. Now they are all on my bed with me. I found a four foot body pillow that is a husky dog online that i have ordered for myself. Cant wait to get it. It will be my Jubee.
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Brownie74

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Reply with quote  #12 
Hi Jubee. ....And others too! ,
I saw how you said u wrapped treats for your girl to open
So did I, and it's been on my mind! I thought about wrapping his memories box, and placing a gift, or treat, ext. Thought I'd share my idea with you, and all who are grieving. If this is your first Holiday, it's going to be the hardest one. Thanksgiving was a sad time for me. So I don't want Xmas to be that bad, crying all day all week, instead of thought to remember him by doing the things or something similar. I hope your holidays go well for what it's worth. The 💓 breaking sadness will be there, but by remembering our babies should put a little smile on our faces!
Hugs and prayers
Jess

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TJay

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Reply with quote  #13 
Hi Jubee!!!! Yay, found me! Yesterday was atrocious, I couldn’t help but cry until I fell asleep hugging Nina’s blanket. Somehow it still has her smell but I’m sure that will fade soon, it makes me sad... I sit here and doubt my self constantly about the decision I made to put her down. You are so lucky to of had jubee for that long.. I thought and so did everyone else in my family, that she would last until 15 or 16 years old because she was so small. Sometimes I beat myself up about it like “what did i not do to help her live longer?” And then I go back to the thought of her vet saying “not all dogs are one in the same” and then it gives me some relief for a while. My dad doesn’t understand that though, I almost try avoiding him because he makes me feel like I didn’t do enough because he has a 15 year old chihuahua (Nina’s Grandpa) that is still alive and almost makes fun of the situation and it gives me so MUCH ANXIETY! He has his moments too, he was there when Nina went to heaven and he knows how hard it was. So I know he means well most times. Gosh I did love Christmas with my girl! Just like jubee she loved stuffed animals and SOCKS, those were her fave! Well this will be our first year without them and we CAN DO THIS, we can GET THROUGH THIS together. Just know I’m here if you want to write/talk or email or even text... I’ll never get tired of these stories/moments because I’m in it with you no matter how far we may be or how different our pets were, this brings us closer together! Better days will come & I can wait to see my little girl again!
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Jubee7303

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Reply with quote  #14 
Oh my gosh go look up the song “God and Dog” by Wendy Francisco. I just heard it on somene else's post. Its the most beautiful thing ever! It says it all.
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Sampson

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Reply with quote  #15 
TJay, My deepest condolences on the loss of your Nina. Her pictures are so adorable. Losing your beloved pet is exactly like being on a roller coaster. Sometimes even for a minute you feel okay but then the pain of loss hits you again. It’s been longer for me so the sharp pain has given way to a dull ache that I carry around with me. I’m sorry you have to go through this.
Sam
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