Monika
My baby girl passed away unexpectedly. It hurts me to say unexpectedly because she was 13.5 and had many issues in her life. But nothing to say that Saturday would be her last day. I knew our days were numbered because of age. I just always thought I would get to make the call and hold her and say goodbye.

Instead it was a normal day. I was taking my kids out of town and my husband stayed home. I don’t make big deals about leaving my dogs because it always sparked anxiousness.

I didn’t even say good bye.

I got the call in the car, on speaker so the kids heard it too. My husband let her out while he made dinner for the dogs. The other 3 came back and he fed them set her food up and went out to get her. He saw her laying in the corner under the picnic bench and knew. He ran to her and put water on her but she was already gone.

The kids were wailing. They knew her their whole life. We drove back in silence with tears. I didn’t know if I could look at her.

I decided to pet her and to see her. I am glad I did she looked like a sleeping dog and actually peacefull.

I have so much guilt, she was my shadow. Every step I take now while home is a stab because she isn’t at my feet. It is killing me that I didn’t turn back and pet her and snuggle and tell her I love her.

I miss her so much. I had her since I was 22. She has been through so much of my adult life. Through marriage, divorce, moves, marriage and children. She was my rock and this hurts more than I could ever imagine.

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Rookiesmama
Monika, was Elvira your sweetie's name? She is so cute ❤ I am so sorry for your loss. I'm sorry you didn't get to say goodbye. Losing them no matter the age or circumstance is always heartbreaking. I lost my Rookie a week and a half ago due to a sudden injury and finding this forum has been so helpful. I'll be thinking of you!
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MAlcindor
I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Elvira. I feel so terrible you didn't get to say goodbye. Our babies are with us through thick and thin and when something like this happens you want to beat yourself up, but you had no way of knowing, and I'm sorry about that. Yes, the pain will sometimes seem as if it is more than you can bear, we are all there and we all understand. I'm glad you found this forum. I have found it to be very comforting knowing there are others who feel the pain of the loss as much as I do. 
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Monika
Rookies mama, I’m sorry about your loss. And yes Elvira was her name.

Malcindor- I’m glad I found the forums too. I have such sadness over this. And it’s only been 3 days but it seems everyone expects me to be over the years and deep sadness. I found this because I wanted to be around others that understood the pain and sadness of coming home and walking to a kitchen and missing your baby. It is so hard to be home alone without her. My kids have summer camp and I have been a wreck all day while they are gone.
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MAlcindor
Sometimes people can be insensitive, even friends who you thought would understand your grief just don't. In my case, I lost both my dogs just one month apart. Just as I was beginning to accept the loss of Max, I lost Bailey. How can someone expect you to move on when we spend most of our days caring for these little babies? They are so much a part of us that it is inconceivable to be able to "get over it and move on". I have never experienced such grief and I don't wish it on any one. Being home is the worst because that's where most of the memories are. Their little things, their bowls, they're just everywhere. Reminders in every turn. I know I will never get over my losses, I just have to learn how to live with it. So sorry you lost her without being able to say goodbye. 
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Purzel
Monika,

Elvira.... what a sweet name and what a wonderful girl. I am deeply sorry for your loss and it will surely take a while for you to get used to this fact. Just by her age I can tell how much you cared for her and you did treat your dogs how dogs would act when they up and leave to go somewhere and return, that is abso normal behavior not to make a bigg fuzz about it. I am trying to say with this that there is no need to feel any guilt at all because Elvira knew you loved her dearly. It might also give you a hint when I suspect that sometimes our beloved ones wish to go alone without worrying us. She passed away in absolute peace which is very lovely. I know the unexpected hurts alot .... but either way..... it always hurts terribly. Please, be patient with yourself, grieve takes as long as it takes. Know that we are all here for you.

My heart goes out to you
Silvia (with Max forever in my heart)

[hundi]


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Monika
Thank you guys. I think writing about it and knowing I’m not alone has helped— a bit. Now I’m getting anxious waiting for her to come back home. I don’t know how long I’m suppose to wait for her paw prints and urn. It has been 4 days. I just want her home.
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