charlikin
Tonight is 15 nights since I said goodbye to my beloved Emmie cat. I have cried every single day. I've gone over in my mind again and again how I might have taken better care of her, or of her sister Charlee who died 8 months ago. I can't believe they're both gone.

I go to work every day and function there... and then I come home to an empty house. Now it's the weekend again. Tomorrow I am going to the vet to pick up Emmie's remains. I can still feel her warm furry body cuddled against me, feel the tickle of her whiskers when I lean forward to kiss her soft nose.

They're both gone.


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gingerboy24
I am so sorry for your loss.  I released my wonderful boy at 12.30 a.m. on the morning of Friday 11 February.  I still miss him like crazy.  I have three other cats, all loved and treasured, but Scully was my "kitty soul mate", he was incredibly special to me.  I too have gone over and over the last 4 weeks of his life  -  did I miss something, could I have done anything more.  Daily vet visits, ultra sound scan, blood tests, injections, you name it.  He was FIV positive and it obviusly must have kicked in.  He was only eight and a half.

The loss is so overwhelming.  I could´t eat, sleep, think straight, I fell into a black hole of despair.  I understand how you feel completely.  We also lost one of our other cats in November 2010, very suddenly, a heart attack, no ilness, no warning, so two within 3 months.  There are so many other people suffering the same situations and emotions on here, and they will all give you lovely words of comfort that will help, and you are not alone.  It will get better, it does get better, time is a great healer, but you will never forget your babies or stop loving them. I had one day this week when I felt a little bit "normal", and I thought I was on the road to recovery.  And then I found one of his little toys, and that was it, tears and despair again.  Grieve, cry, beat the cushions, do whatever you need to do to release your grief and frustration.  Great advice on here, which is so true  -  take one day at a time, I do that now.  The shock and raw grief do ease off, very slowly, and you can smile at your memories and be grateful for the time we had with our furbabies.  I felt cheated, he was so young, but then I feel I was blessed to have my boy for seven and a half years (he found me, he was a street cat), and I wouldn´t change that, even though I am still devastated at his loss.  Today I woke up and didn´t want to get out of bed, but I did, life doesn´t stand still for us.  I find it easier to go out and take a walk, Mother Nature does help, or she does for me.  I walk rescue dogs, and they too give me some comfort.  You can´t be totally unhappy around a loving, exuberant dog, desperate to have love and attention from you.  Strange I know, but it does help.  Maybe one of your friends has a dog you could offer to walk. 

Please keep strong, it is very early days.  I do find non-furbaby people strange, they think two weeks and you should have pulled yourself together and moved on.  My boy was my baby, just as much as a human baby could be (I have no children), and if he had been a human baby would anyone expect me to have pulled myself together and moved on in two weeks?  I think not, so why should I have moved on because my baby had four legs instead of two.

As others on here will tell you, it will get easier, there is a lot of support for each other on here, and it does help.  Remember, one day at a  time, and each day the healing is there for us, and gradually we work our way through this black period and we can have joy from our memories of our furbabies and the love and pleasure the brought to s.

Victoria
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charlikin
Thank you for your kind reply, Victoria, and I am so sorry for the loss of your two cats, especially your soul mate Scully. You lost him the morning after I lost Emmie. He was much too young. I'm glad you have your other kitties to help console you.

You're right about people. Some of my friends get it, but some - totally not. There's a guy at work who I don't actually get along with that well, but we try to be cordial to each other. When I told him, he didn't even say he was sorry. Other people may say it, but then they move on and they expect me to move on. And all I really want to do is crawl into bed and cry. On the other hand, one of my neighbors who is also an animal lover - she was walking her golden retriever Skye, and when I told her about Emmie and started crying, Sky came over to me and got up on her hind legs to put her front paws on my shoulders and "hug" me. She'd never done that before (with me, at least).


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moonglow
I'm so sorry for your loss of Emmie and Charlee. It is such a empty feeling when your beloved pet leaves for the Bridge. I am going through the loss of my best friend Archie (a 10 year old kitty) and the tears keep coming. Like you I go to work and function (thank god) but when I come home for lunch the sadness comes over me. For many years I was fortunate to able to walk home for lunch and be with Archie. I use to brush his teeth and have a "play period" with him. It use to calm me down after the pressure of the office and he loved it. It will get easier for you as you go along. Some days are worse than others but through it all we are healing though it is a slower process for some of us. As I like to be reminded, try and take it a day at a time. Reading what others are feeling and expressing my thoughts and feelings here has been so healing. I'd be in much worse shape if not for coming here everyday. I owe a huge thanks to everyone here and I hope I can give back some of what's been given the last 2 months. You are in my thoughts and prayers. God bless.
Kim

I love you my dearest and sweetest little boy "Archie"
I'll be there my little soft baby!
10/27/00 - 12/13/10
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charlikin
Emmie is home again. I got her from the vet's office, and I just transferred her from the plain tin provided by the cremation service into a pretty green urn that is just the color of her eyes. I also have a bit of her fur that was clipped from her back leg that night so they could insert the IV - it's a good fur sample, she was a calico and it has all three colors. I was worried that the urn would be too small, but everything fits snugly. Emmie was a petite kitty and she liked snug places.


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moonglow
Hi Charlikin,
I am glad that Emmie is home again and the green urn is just the right size. To have some of her fur means so much. I kiss Archies fur often and it helps to feel that connection with him. I'm glad you got through what is often so painful and your able to look on the bright side. She is definitely with you.
Kim

I love you my dearest and sweetest little boy "Archie"
I'll be there my little soft baby!
10/27/00 - 12/13/10
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charlikin
Moonglow, I am sorry about Archie. That's wonderful that you were supposed to spend every day with him at lunchtime. I can't believe he let you brush his teeth - Emmie and her sister Charlee never let me do that.

I live in an apartment, and they used to like to escape into the hall to explore every night when I came home. I used to herd them back inside telling them we're going to be "indoor kitties" tonight. So when I've come home these past two weeks and open the door, I just instinctively think a kitty is going to slip past my legs. I stuffed Emmie's bed into the round tunnel-like section of their cat tree, and now every time I walk by, I think it's the curved back of a cat asleep inside the tunnel.

Other than that, I don't see them in the apartment anymore. It's very quiet and alone here.


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4myStanley

I'm so sorry for your loss.  It is so difficult as I'm going through it myself.  My Stanley passed on the 16th of January and I still cry every day for him.  He was such a wonderful pet and much more than that as he helped me get through my illness. 

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charlikin
I told a friend today that I brought Emmie home on Saturday. She asked if that made me feel any better. She was making jokes about my getting another cat - one that would like her better. I know she didn't mean to be insensitive... but wtf. I just want my cat back.

I found one of her whiskers on the floor today outside the bathroom. I don't know where it came from. Maybe it wasn't even her whisker - maybe it was one of Charlee's that's hung around all this time, waiting to get carried in on something and dropped on the carpet. I could never tell whose dropped whisker was whose.

It's two weeks and three days. It feels like they've been gone forever. It feels like I've felt like this forever. I kind of have - I started grieving for both of them as soon as Charlee was diagnosed with cancer almost 14 months ago. Tomorrow's Monday. I get to go to work and pretend to be normal. Then I come home.


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duffypalm
I am so sorry for your loss of Emmie.  I had to put my sweetheart kittykat
Duffy to sleep on January 1st.  I took him to the doctor thinking he was a
diabetic and needed medicine, instead he had terrible kidney problems where
he wouldn't last more than a week or two. 

It was so difficult the first 3 weeks after he passed, and sometimes lately
it's been a little easier.  The grief goes in waves.  I think of him so many
times every single day, and I still find myself looking for him in the house.
I had him for almost 20 of his 23 years.  

I believe we will all see our babies again when we leave this earth, but it will
be for forever this time.  It takes time to get a little bit better, but we will
always keep them in our hearts and we should look for signs from them that
they are okay.  It'll be so wonderful when we get to be with them again
forever.

Hugs,
Duffypalm 
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charlikin
Tonight is three weeks. I stayed late at work because I didn't want to come home to an empty house. I knew tonight would be difficult. I'm glad she's not in pain anymore but I don't know why she isn't here with me. I miss her sister too. And their big brother who they never met because he died a month before they came to live with me.

It's not fair. These animals nestle into your heart, and then they rip your heart out when they die.

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donnalee
charlikin, I'm sorry about your friend's remark.   I don't think people even realize the effect their words have.  They are trying to make light of it because they don't have a clue about what you are feeling.   They just don't understand, sadly, because they haven't experienced this kind of love. 
I'm so sorry for your loss of your precious baby.  I feel your sadness through your writing.   I think coming home without that greeting is one of the hardest things for all of us.   If no one else lives with you, I can only imagine that would be magnified.  I'll be thinking of you.   
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always_tuffy

"May fond memories of Emmie & Charlee

warm your heart always


Charlikin,
i am so sorry for your loss of your sweet Emmie and dear charlie. Truly my heart grieves for you my friend.
 Getting thru these 7 mos since my baby dog Tuffy passed has been the the hardest thing I've ever done. Yes they do get right into the middle of our hearts and our lives. My terrible non stop pain & tears of the early months has abated. I remember thinking if I could just stop hurting, things would be better. Unfortunately, when that did occur I suddenly realized there was something worse than the pain. Tuffy was gone, my tears did not/could not bring him back. The name of your thread "Dull Ache" is very appropriate. The daily loneliness for him is truly that.

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us here. Your love for Emmie & Charlee is so evident.  I am sorry you are hurting so. Hang in my friend. Time is our only friend on this sad journey.

Also, so many people are just meanies. Did they never learn "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all!"  I pity people who don't "get it" or say "it was just a cat or dog or whatever beloved animal friend passed" They have never had and probably never will have the "special bond" that we all here have been blessed with.

I send you love & wishes for a better tomorrow. Just take it one minute, one hour or one day at a time. You were most certainly a wonderful Momma Kitty. You loved and cared for them, and they loved you. You did nothing wrong charlikin.

Regina


Death leaves a heartache no one can heal;
Love leaves a memory no one can steal.

Tuffy, My Puppy Love
June 20, 2005-July 26, 2010

Becky Leigh, Queen of my Heart
December 2010-November 10, 2015
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charlikin
Donnalee, Regina - thank you for your replies. It's good to be able to share my feelings with people who do understand so well what I'm going through, who have been through it (and are still going through it) themselves.

Yesterday was a big day. I had already brought all my leftover medical supplies to the vet to donate to her other patients, but I'd overlooked a nearly-full bottle of Azodyl in the fridge, so I made another trip with that. And then my friend helped me bring a ton of leftover food, supplies, and toys to a pet shelter a few miles from me.

Afterwards we sat in Starbucks and I burst into tears because I'd just given away Ossie's bed - he'd died 12 years ago, and the bed had been sitting on the top shelf of my bedroom closet all that time. It was a huge leopard-print smushy bed - I have photos of him in it. I never gave the bed to the girls when I got them because he'd been a big cat and they were tiny 8-week old kittens and it was ridiculously large for them, so it went up in the closet and it was *his* bed. And now I'd just given it away.

So now I'm crying over all my lost kitties and wishing I'd taken better care of them and wishing they were still here.

Btw, the friend who helped me yesterday is the same one who made the insensitive remark last week - she really means well, it was just an insensitive remark. She used to have a cat too who she loved very much. She never really got over her kitty dying, and she never got another cat.


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Angelwngs
@Charlikin--I am so sorry about your loss of your cats, I love cats myself so I know exactly what your going through and how hard it can be when they pass on. I know the feeling first hand because I had a tuxedo cat named "Sassy" and when I was 10 one day she went outside to explore or something because she was an inside and an outside cat and I haden't seen her for a few days we got worried so I am not sure but I think we made fliers and hung them up around the neighborhood and my dad drove around trying to find her and then one day we were going somewhere and I saw this dead decapitated cat on the side of the major street close to our house but I didn't think it was necessarily her because from what I could see didn't look like her but I think it was either later that same day or the day after that my dad broke the news he had seen her dead on a street that she was hit by a car and cried for months because I knew my suspiciones were right and I wanted to die. So, all my condolences go out to you.
I will always love you Elvis and I believe you are still here with me in spirit! Your adopted brother "Baby Guin" has joined you again but in spirit!
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