CalumsMommy
I am so grateful for this site and everyone's voices here.
I also read bits of my own story and emotions and experiences in each and every post, although they're all so different.
For this I thank you all as it helps me process things better. I hope that I can be a help and comfort to someone else at that.
Right now I just feel so angry and sad and guilty and longing for my baby that I am
Back at a lower point than I was 3+ weeks ago when he passed from this world.
I am numb on some days though and that feels better in some ways although it's not healthy.
I honestly don't know what else to do... Just give it time? Time is torture
I want to bring him back. That's impossible.
I feel stuck, very very stuck.
Limbo is a good word.
In limbo and with a gaping hole in my heart.
I miss him so much but I know I need to do other things. I can't always do those things.
Some other posters have sent links which have helped a lot, and then I digress.
Is this part of the process?
When will the pain end?
I am so so sad. I am honestly forever changed.:-(((
I feel as if I am whining again but I just only want to hear one person say it will go away even though I know it can't.:-)

-Calum's Mommy
Calum's Mommy Forever <3 
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JerseyNonna
aaww sweetie ((((hugs)))) and i'm not sure it matters how many weeks, months or even years we are from our losses while it does get easier we all seem to still have bad days.  roxie left me on dec 26th and I've recently had some really bad days so I believe it comes and goes in waves hon.  some waves just simply roll in as small ripples like on a pond while others are tremendous tsunami waves that just keep knocking us over and back under the water where it feels hard to catch a breath and seems like that first moment right after we lost our dearly loved friend.  lately what I have tried to do is look into my heart and find the intensely deep love that roxie left there for me and i'm sure that callum left a whole lifetime in your heart as well.  perhaps God's message to us humans in not giving our fur friends as many years as we have is to learn to love while we can and that love comes and goes from our lives so appreciate what we have because we never know when it won't be with us any longer.  these days life can be hectic but the one calming constant is our loved fur friends who make a bad world seem just a bit better to cope with.  for all of us I wish our loved companions could last our lifetime but I don't think we'd learn to open our hearts back after the loss of our companions who took half our heart when they crossed the bridge.  maybe that part of our heart is with them for safekeeping until we see them again.  I don't know but all I know is the length of time it's been since our losses just doesn't seem to matter as we will still have those days when we just can not find solace that our companion is in a better place and we are still here walking without them.

many many hugs to everyone and today is one of those tsunami days for me so the fact everyone here knows that feeling is a comfort for sure.  take care all!
JerseyNonna
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tinarealtor
OMG do I know this pain. Its unbearable and unbelievable and I become inconsolable. I grieve hard and I too want my baby back and I want him back now. Hugs to you and I wish you peace in your heart. Take the time you need and dont let anyone rush you. Your grief is your own.
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LUCYLULU
Yep~I understand what you both wrote. I am home today ('weekend') with a long list of 'stuff' to get done. I can't climb out of my own well of grief. Lucy should be right here snuggling next to me, and watching TV as I am on the computer doing ems & bills. As JerseyNonna writes, 'we still have those days when we just can not find solace that our companion is in a better place'. So true.  And Calum's Mommy, you are not 'whining again'. Not at all.

This forum really is a place of understanding. I have friends who try to be empathetic but there's that underlying feeling (unspoken) of 'you should try & move on'. But I think it's only when someone has experienced this deep, gut wrenching, heartbreaking pain that they can truly understand.  All I keep hoping for-- for all of us-- is that the bad days will someday be outnumbered by the better days. Hugs, Kasey

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Beaglemomma
Oh dear you are certainly not alone honey.  I am so sorry you too are hitting that low again as well.  It is truly awful isn't it?

I too am at the BOTTOM again and it has been 11 weeks now for me.  I just cried myself to sleep last night and am in tears already this morning.  Yesterday I had a DR appt and when I got home just for a split second I looked for Molly before it HIT me again that never again will I get that greeting that all doggies give I know.  She would dance around till I got my coat off and could get down to her level, then she put her paws around my neck, waiting for the kisses that she wanted and KNEW she would get.  To NEVER kiss that sweet face again is just KILLING me. 

Many here have additional pets in their home and I am not suggesting that one takes the place of another at all, please don't misunderstand me, but at least when they look around they DO see other fur babies that they love.  I have NOTHING at all-------------YES, I am full of self pity right now, no need for anyone to tell me that, but good golly the EMPTINESS is just overwhelming.

I have tears rolling down my face right now, and I am trying to console Calum's Mommy here.  I am just trying to let you know that it isn't just YOU.  I'm betting there are more out there just like we are.  It is supposed to get easier with time, but I am not finding that to be true.  Maybe for some time is dulling the pain and for that I am truly happy for them.  Guess it depends upon your circumstances.  For very young people life MUST go on, work MUST be done, children taken care of etc etc and that in itself is healing.

Oh bother I am rambling, just want you to know you are not alone.  Wish I could give you a physical HUG, but certainly sending you lots of them in my thoughts.
janice
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LukeyBoy
Calums mommy and everyone else: thank you all for sharing your stories here. It's so nice knowing I'm not the only one in such grief over the loss of a dear friend. I'm in week 6, and it's still so difficult. Like Jersey Nonna (hey Jersey any warmer today?) Said, it comes in waves. I remember week 3 I broke down crying when I picked up an apple and realized I couldn't share it with my boy anymore. don't think I was able to even crack a smile until week 4. No matter how long it takes its nice to know there are others here that truly understand and support each other. Thank you!!
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JerseyNonna
((((Janice))))  while I do have tae my daughter's pet pomapoo still here in the home, daily life without roxie who was my service dog helping me live a better quality of life each day assisting me and alerting me in various ways has left a huge void where roxie would normally be for me.  sometimes lately I find myself wishing she had been just here as a pet, that I wasn't disabled in need of a service dog I can not afford to replace and sometimes I wish it had been me to go first.  hon I can feel your pain so deeply as if I was in your place because I suppose in a sense we all are.  for me the pain hasn't dulled but maybe I've resigned myself to the fact that no matter how hard I wish things were different that they can't be.  I did purchase Marianne soucy's book "healing pet loss" as well as "i will see you in heaven" and am waiting for them to arrive from amazon.com.  hope they can help me find more peace in God's decision to call roxie home.  being in one's 60's and living alone these days is hard enough but then when a loved one so important to your daily life is no longer here, just why couldn't it have been me instead?  my daughter at least would have cared for roxie and tae and then I wouldn't have so long for me to be greeting them across the bridge.  personally I believe everyone has the right to ramble, vent, etc., while living through what we are.  many many hugs to you Janice and to all having those "bad days" right now.  and I too have tears streaming down my face as I read your post and tried to type this reply.
JerseyNonna
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jimmy17
Hi all, these `bad` days certainly crop up just when you think you are dealing with it. I`ve found I can have a quite good day - or as good as its going to be  - then I wake up the very next day feeling I`m right back to the day we lost Jim. I feel so sorry for my husband on these bad days, he still misses Jim like mad, but he try`s his very best to cheer me up - and nothing will. We`ve two family weddings to go to in the next few weeks and I really can`t be bothered with them - all the buying of outfits and presents has no appeal for me at the moment.   
 
 Calumsmommy, I do think you are right when you say you`ve forever changed - I know I have, as are probably a lot of us  on here. We`ve all been through so much heartache and grief, and I know a lot of people who don`t understand how much you can love an animal just don`t `get it`.  The 17 years we had with Jim were the best years of my life, we had such good times with him, and even though I hurt so much now, its a price worth paying for the unconditional love and beautiful memories he gave to us. 

              Hugs, Jackie.x










J Taylor
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uneekstuf

I want to send love to everyone who is suffering with a loss.  How I wish we could all physically meet in a room to console each other and share stories. This forum is a nice alternative. 

Those of us who suffer the most have profoundly loved at the deepest level possible and I believe such a deep emotion never dies.  We will always hurt but will learn better ways to cope.  For 2 weeks I have gone home at night and watched you tube videos about pet loss and the afterlife.  This has given me some comfort. 

I had to let my dog go 2 weeks ago and it feels as though it happened 6 months ago.  Someone told me that is because grief moves in slow motion.  Getting out of bed is difficult.  Some days I am okay.. and some days I am a mess. I realize I must stop going over things in my head.  I gave him lots of love and a wonderful life and that is far more important than the ending.  I feel so alone and I need to talk about him but after so long people don’t want to hear it.  I have held it together at work but there is one person who has avoided me due to my lost… and she loves dogs!  I could understand if I was acting like a basket case but I haven’t. 

I try to focus on the fact that my baby is free of everything on this earthly plane… and I envision him as a brilliant sparkling form of energy with wings zooming around in another dimension .. one of which we have little understanding of.  I think the beauty on the other side is far more intense than what our worldly minds can comprehend or understand.  I must now focus on letting him go and paying off the debt I incurred with his treatments.  Life goes on and it isn’t healthy to keep myself trapped in this self-torture.  Healing is best way to honor my precious baby…. Hour by hour.. day by day. 

Tina  

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robertian1959
Hi , know exactly how you feel callum's mummy . Monday will be ten weeks since i lost my baby and although i put on the appearance that i'am getting better the truth is that when i'm alone in the house i always breakdown. Stupid things like i have noticed that cleaning the house there is no more hair in the vacuum, the bed is now big and cold.

Things like popping a plastic bag and finding myself apologising as i always did as it used to scare gemma.Got my car seat repaired where her claws had undone the stitching and all i could think was i was getting rid of another reminder. I dug some of her hair from my vacuum and washed it with her special medicated shampoo and have put it in a small ziplock bag and have found myself sniffing it as it is her smell.

Sounds stupid but i know she still checks on me as i have seen her like she would always do if i hadn't checked on her she would come and peek around my living room door just to see if i was still there and i would speak to her , and i still catch sight of her out the corner of my eye and know if i look she's not there but i just sit and talk to her like always only she doesn't come for her clap or kiss.

People keep going on about getting another dog but i feel it would be disrespectful to gemmas memory to have another one  , and although i have had about eight dogs through my life and know everyone is special and different in it's own way i'll never get one like her again. 
Gemma's Daddy
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CalumsMommy
Thank you ALL and also I feel for each and everyone here in return for your losses . You all GET IT. This terrible it.

So Today was another really really bad night. Coming home from work used to be super special and now, I detest it. I also have a child, two more dogs and a rabbit and still can't find total joy back in my life as I felt so deeply just two months ago even. I want to. Badly. They, and of course my child!, make me happy but I feel broken even around them and I cry a LOT behind doors or anywhere else at that.

I hope I can move to the acceptance stage of this grief cycle I read about. I just can't see that far aheaD yet. I want to be 100% for everyone else here! My daughter is still sad But my experience involves a LOT of guilt and viewing the trauma to him was traumatic so it is intensified as well. I have more barriers to get to that next stage.

He was only almost 2 but was my little prince, King Calum, and a host of other names and he Was our "Forever dog" I was going to grow older with. too. I felt that we'd been together
Forever.... And would be even more so.

He was perky, super energetic except when napping, sooooo cute and so friendly and loving. Everyone, everyone loved him and a lot of folks miss him too. It's even worse when people find out he is gone.

I so understand the apple story! I feel the same. The walk near the beach or pond we can't Take , certain snacks I can't share anymore, having a travel buddy etc etc etc. Things just aren't as good anymore.
This stinks:-((((

And to all who say they feel disloyal to bring a new friend and/or baby home, if you are feeling at this time that that you can enough to make the motions...I say the more love you can share the better everyone is:-) ...please share
It!

Love while you can because you never know how long you will have that
Joy.

-hugs to all
Calum's Mommy Forever <3 
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Evie123
Bless you all for sharing the same experience I am going through. It's like everything you do and everywhere you go has a connection. The last part of a meal I always save, every corner I have walked, every garden we have been in. There is no escape from the memories, not that we would want it otherwise, but everything is a painful trigger. I know i will never get over this but will just have to try and act more like a human while concealing my pain. Love to you all. X
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robertian1959
To Calums mummy , thats all you can do put on a brave face carry on and make believe that you have moved on. In reality you feel like your heart has been ripped out and trod upon, silly little things will bring back memories and tears for sometime to come.

It's 72 days for me and i still find i will shed tears at a mere thought of gemma. I wish i could give you a time but the more you loved calum the longer it will take but take heart you are not alone , there are many of us feeling the same .

So god bless and remember calum is missing just as much
Gemma's Daddy
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Evie123
Calumsmommy, I too have a child, a little boy we adopted a year ago, and a cat. It does sound awful because of course I love them dearly but nothing can console me or fill Molly's void. X
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