PJRN007
Ash was my 17 year old cat recently diagnosed with an incurable plasmacytoma in his nose. it was so large it obstructed his nasal air passages causing sleep apnea and rapid weight loss from not being able to smell his food.  I had a feeding tube placed four days ago and referred to Auburn University Oncology.  We had him evaluated yesterday by oncology and decided on palliative radiation to shrink and slow tumor.  They wanted another CT under sedation.  I expressed my concern about his sleep apnea and requested a breathing tube for the procedure.  He arrested during the scan after he quit breathing.  CPR and drugs were given to bring him back but he'd already sustained a brain injury in that time.  I insisted on seeing him.  Can you imagine seeing your companion lying there with monitors on, on a ventilator, eyes open and occasionally twitching???  It's truly a horrific site.  I was told his chances of recovery were very slim.  I had my friend euthanized and brought him home in a box.
How does this happen???  I know the tumor would have eventually killed him but I never dreamed Auburn would.  I drove three hours home with Ash in my lap.  I let him down.  They took him away prematurely.  I'm devastated,  angry, heartbroken and crying constantly.  I haven't been able to make the bed because I don't want to disturb the place where he last slept.  We arrived home late and I kept him next to me all night.  This morning I took him to my primary vet for cremation.  

Writing about it helps.  Please pray for Ash and me.  The pain is intense.  

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skdatf11
Oh no! I am sorry!!!! The pain is intense. You did everything you could. Ash knows that. I can only tell you things that helped me. I got a heart plaque, I ordered a hand made “ replica” of my cats and of course joining here just recently has helped so much! If Only I had known about this group three and a half years ago. Please know I am here for you!
Kari Fuentes
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zcb
I know how you feel and it's the worst feeling in the world.  You and your beloved Ash are in my prayers.
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PJRN007
Thank you so much.  I'm so happy I found this site.  There's so much sadness here and so much encouragement from members.  
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PJRN007
Thank you Kari and ZCB
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catiebee
I am so, so sorry his life was cut short. The pain is overwhelming, just all but impossible to bear. I hate that you're having to walk through this. 

Take extra gentle care of yourself while you're so raw with grief, PJRN. 
Catie
-Missing Marissa deeply
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PJRN007
it's an emotional rollercoaster.  I can be fine one moment and sobbing the next.  I know these emotions are normal but the sense of loss is overwhelming right now.  I keep seeing Ash lying there during his last moments and wonder if I euthanized to quickly.  I'm still in shock over his loss.  It wasn't supposed to happen this way.  It wasn't on OUR terms.
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PJRN007
First day back to work since Ash died.  My coworkers knew we were headed to Auburn this past Friday so, of course, many asked how things went.  It felt good to talk about my experience and I only broke down twice.  Nights are the hardest when all is quiet in the house.  I still keep reliving the last moments with my boy.  I can block it out most of the time but then the guilt sets in for trying not to think of him.  I can't even look at photos of him right now.  I'm trying to learn how to embrace this tragedy because it is a permanent part of me now, right?  Well, tomorrow will be here soon.
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