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partangel

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Posts: 20
Reply with quote  #1 
I remember the night he was born. His little mama was so brave as she delivered this little angel first. I helped deliver him and remember the difficulty I had breaking open his sac so he could breathe. The instant he came into this world I was in love! He became mine and was always insistent on sitting in my lap every single night. I always shared my popcorn or french fries with him, both his favorites! I hand-prepared his meals and he always looked forward to meal time! A gorgeous little boy who was overprotective and possessive of his mama. He was certain he was a human too. 

Around 5 years ago he started gaining weight. He was a large chihuahua, weighing in at 30 pounds. I took him to the vet on numerous occasions and was always stumped as to why he would gain so much when nothing had changed. He ate the same meals as his brothers and dad and they were not bigger. The vet always had a new diet for me to put him on. I tried them all to no avail. I was certain he showed signs of Cushing's. The Vet ran several tests, took x-rays, gave their opinion, but said they couldn't find the problem. I know they thought it was me who was causing this and not admitting it. I followed the diets, took him on daily walks, limited his snacks. No weight loss. My poor boy struggled to get through the walks. He was obviously in pain while walking. I was told he just needed to get stronger. I kept pushing with tons of praise and encouragement. He would make it halfway around our subdivision on good days. Stroller rides the rest of the way. He was a trooper, determined to stay as close to me as possible.

Probably around a year ago, he started urinating in the house. I thought it was him marking his territory but soon realized it was a struggle for him to make it up and down the dog stairs to the dog door. The past few months we would try and assist him every time he got up. He could no longer go up and down the basement stairs at all. I work from home and when I would go down without him, he would patiently wait for someone to carry him down to me. His breathing was always labored, he was struggling to move. At some point, he stopped asking to sit with me at night. My guilt is even deeper after I had surgery and then had a spinal injury that restricted me from lifting him. He must have felt abandoned. 

He sought out every cool place to lay, even in the middle of winter. Our fireplace stoop was his favorite because he was still in eyesight of me. He could no longer get into bed with me and required assistance but he couldn't rest through the night, always up and down. We had to get him a dog bed to sleep next to me on the floor so I wasn't kept up all night. This added to my guilt. He chose to sleep on our hallway floor where it was cool. 

The past few weeks he appeared as though he was struggling even more. Took extra effort and time to get up. He would usually make it to me, grunting all the way, especially in the morning. I would shower him with love and attention. Then he would anxiously wait for his morning treat. This past Monday he wasn't even able to get up to greet me and I went to him. I asked him what was wrong and he attempted to show affection with much difficulty. I laid next to him and began to cry, afraid I was going to lose him. I couldn't bear to think of it and pushed the idea out of my mind. A few hours later he couldn't move again and I laid next to him again. This time I noticed a huge mass on one of his legs. I immediately called the vet and got him in. She took an X-ray and said he had a bacterial infection. I had asked about him possibly having diabetes because he was showing signs of it. Excessive thirst, soiling himself without even standing, labored breathing, vomiting, distended abdomen, and his daddy has it. She told me that the infection may be displaying those symptoms and we should treat that first and then test him for diabetes at his next checkup in 2 weeks. I said okay, after all, she is the expert. 

I started giving him his antibiotic that evening. He was also given pain medicine. After a full day, I noticed an increase in his labored breathing. He seemed to be getting worse. By Friday morning, he was really struggling to breathe. He refused to eat, took every ounce of strength just to take a drink. His eyes were huge, staring at me and quickly looking away as he didn't want me to see him struggling. I was really worried. I laid next to him again, petting him and stroking his head, trying to get him to eat. He kept refusing. Then he growled at me and nipped at me. I called the vet again. They told me to bring him right in. I did.

He saw a new vet this time. She did a chest x-ray and blood work. Said he was very pale and quickly took him to the oxygen room. A half hour later she called me into a room without my boy. Which told me something was wrong. She showed me his x-ray and I immediately noticed how large his heart was! She said he was having congestive heart failure. His blood work also showed he was in diabetic stress, respiratory distress, as well as, anemic. He would need 24-hour care and they didn't provide that there. I would need to drop him off in another city but she couldn't be certain he would survive the night. I was in shock. Where did all this come from?? We were just there a few days ago! What do I do? I don't want to leave my baby boy with strangers. People he doesn't know. I can't just take him home? That was not an option as he probably would have suffocated to death. I was in hysterics. This is the baby! Only 10 years old! Goliath and I had a conversation a few days ago and agreed he would live forever! 

I stepped outside and called my husband, my mom, my son. What do I do? I knew what they would say but I couldn't make the decision. I don't want to make the decision. How do you have the right to decide it is time to take a life? I had no choice. They brought him into the room for me to see him again. He was in so much pain. He couldn't even acknowledge me or attempt to give me my kisses. He was using every ounce of his being just to breathe. My poor baby! My sweet boy! I spent 10-15 minutes with him all while they were giving him oxygen through a hose. I told him how much I loved him. How much he means to me. How I couldn't stand to see him in so much pain. The vet came in and injected the deadly needle through his IV. He collapsed in my arms. I had no idea it worked that fast. No time to look him in the eyes one last time. No time to say I love you one more time. The wailing began. The guilt set in. 

I drove home in disbelief of what just happened with my baby boy in a casket next to me. When I got home my daughter came out to the truck to see him. I opened his box and unwrapped him. She told him how much she loved him and as I was petting him was certain I felt him breathing ever so slightly. I carried him in the house and unwrapped his beautiful body even more. As I stroked his fur and spoke to him...he was certainly still breathing! The vet assured me he was gone but he was not gone! Three hours later I took my son down and asked him if I was crazy or not. He witnessed it too. Goliath's body was still warm and he was not stiff at all. When my husband arrived home 6 hours after his announced death I took him to see Goliath and asked him his opinion. He witnessed him slightly breathing too. Our baby was still warm to the touch at this point. He was still not stiff. I made sure his nostrils were not blocked and continued to stroke his fur and assuring him of my love. We decided to bring him into our room for the night where he slept next to my side of the bed. I got up several times that night to check on him. My son called an emergency vet number and they informed him that rigor mortise should have already set in. That Goliath may need another injection. There is no way I could do that again! No way! I am dying inside! 

At some point in the early morning hours this morning, my sweet boy passed. He became cool to the touch and started to stiffen. His big brother had slept next to him the entire time! I was so devastated! I was not prepared for any of this! What in the world just happened? How could nobody prepare me for this? My poor precious boy! I cannot stop the grief! My heart is shattered. I want my precious baby back! I want to be with him. I cannot fathom life without him. His big brother is mourning and I cannot bear to see it. 

When does this pain stop?! When does the guilt stop?! I feel like I have betrayed my child. Did he suffer even more when it was supposed to stop? How did the vet miss all these problems? Did our walks make his condition worse? Did I kill my boy? He was at the vet at least 9 times out of one year and nobody could tell me. He had lost 11 pounds in 8 months without even trying! I am beyond grief! Somebody, please tell me how to get through this! I cannot imagine ever getting another dog...I cannot go through this again! My precious baby is no longer here, yet I still hear his grunts and I can still smell him. What now? 

Goliath David 
Born: 10-25-2008
Received his wings: 02-08-2019






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  IMG_3277.jpg  Goob 2.jpg  Goob.jpg 
 


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Missing my baby boy Goliath....A little heartbeat by my feet
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Peach

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Posts: 10
Reply with quote  #2 
Aww his pictures made my heart melt, what a cute little baby!

You did everything you could. Your pain is so raw right now and it's normal to try to blame yourself. I'm doing it too. My furbabe passed on Feb 2nd, my heart is still very heavy in my chest.
Sometimes there are health conditions that are hard to diagnose no matter how hard you try... and reading what you wrote you did everything you should have to keep Goliath happy. 

This forum is wonderful, I've been finding reading what others are going through very comforting despite how painful the stories are. We all tried our best, and we all seem to try and blame ourselves for not doing better than our best. Love comes with a heavy price, but it's worth it. 
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Lillymylove

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Posts: 141
Reply with quote  #3 
Oh what a beautiful boy and so handsome, I lost my sweet girl Lilly 17 months ago and cry most days, the panic attacks that she has gone have stopped but oh how I miss her.
We put her ashes inside a Teddy bear called a bereavement bear with a note how much we love her and a embroidered message on one foot and her birth and death year on another.
Take care Dave

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David 

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pryiasmom

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Posts: 11
Reply with quote  #4 
I'm so very sorry.  Your story breaks my heart.  Sending you lots of love.  I can't think of anything else to say.
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partangel

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Posts: 20
Reply with quote  #5 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lillymylove
Oh what a beautiful boy and so handsome, I lost my sweet girl Lilly 17 months ago and cry most days, the panic attacks that she has gone have stopped but oh how I miss her.
We put her ashes inside a Teddy bear called a bereavement bear with a note how much we love her and a embroidered message on one foot and her birth and death year on another.
Take care Dave




Where can I find a bereavement bear? This sounds wonderful!

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Missing my baby boy Goliath....A little heartbeat by my feet
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partangel

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Posts: 20
Reply with quote  #6 
Thank you for your kindness! This grief feels unbearable. Every morning I wake up I instantly remember he is not going to greet me. Every time I see 2 dog bowls instead of 3, I break down, every treat I reach for causes an emotional hysteric inside me. I hate leaving home because I know when I return he will not be there to bark (yell) at me for leaving him.

I have lost my appetite, my emotions swing from complete emptiness and loss to anger because I don't understand why this happened, why they couldn't have figured out he was suffering before it was too late! He had so many symptoms of congestive heart failure! What I have read (unfortunately after it's too late) is that every symptom I had shared with the vet obviously pointed to CHF and diabetes and nobody could figure that out?! At the very least he could have had a better quality of life the past few years! Possibly extending his life a few more years.

I have ordered a headstone for his grave, will be taking the trip to my parent's house to bury him next to his momma this week. I hate to have him so far away but we don't plan on living in our house forever and I could never leave him. I am interested in the bereavement bear. Where can I find one? I would love to have something that I could hold and mourn over. 

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Missing my baby boy Goliath....A little heartbeat by my feet
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Peach

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Posts: 10
Reply with quote  #7 
I ordered a necklace for ashes so I can keep my baby Beck near my heart. I know that they sell those bears too, I was contemplating getting one actually. They do beautiful work and I ordered my necklace on a Wednesday and recived it Friday even with an engravement done to it. 

https://www.perfectmemorials.com/large-teddy-bear-cremation-urn-tan-personalize-p-7847.html
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Flowerbed

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Posts: 17
Reply with quote  #8 
Gorgeous photos .... I am sooo sorry for you very sad loss
You have endured a trauma with him before he actually passed to Rainbow bridge .... ( I love his name too ❤️)
I believe in counselling personally .. I am considering this when my Bichon has to leave us ..we are the ones left behind and they I believe are perfectly happy in heaven .... cry and cry again for your baby ...there is no shame in that ... my neighbour lost her dog and couldnot even face me for 3 months .. not even for a cry and a cuddle together beingn fellow doggy parents ...her Mum was very concerned for her .. she’s a lady in her 30s and took it very bad as we all do ... grief is all encompassing and we have to grieve how we feel the need ... bless your little baby ..cheeky little darling face ... sending you a hug .... there is no shame in seeking professional counselling ... it won’t bring your little darling back but it could be a step forward to processing in a “safe “ environment your feelings .... take care ... look after yourself ...💙for your Furangel X
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