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Molly4always
Scooter was a beautiful cat. My kitty was only 11 yrs old; much too young but cancer got her, After the euthanasia, I cried and whispered to her before I left that I was sorry if I did this too soon. But now I know delaying would only have caused her more pain. But it adds to grief when you feel like you let your baby down. Your heart just breaks over and over when you think of all the things you wish you’d done differently. I’ll always feel like I let her down somehow,

We all have our ways of dealing with the loss. I got this cute little stuffed calico cat to sleep with. I kiss and hold it and it helps me not feel so alone. I haven’t told anyone because they’ll probably think I’m being childish, I’m an adult after all. But my Molly slept with me all night and somehow it comforts me. People say to move on but I can’t let her go. I loved her too much.
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miasara
Molly4always- I love that you sleep with a stuffed cat! That’s a fantastic idea. Don’t pay any attention to what others say or think. Do what is right for you. My sweet Hazel was euthanized in my home. I’ve been critiqued by friends who say they couldn’t imagine that and would be “haunted” by it. But I sometimes sit down on the floor where she died and talk to her. It may sound kooky but it helps me.
mia sara
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Molly4Always and MiaSara, thank you for sharing how you’re dealing with your grief. It helps to know that we all deal in different ways and whatever helps us is truly okay. It helps me to know that I’m not the only one trying to figure out how to handle this. I’m afraid to tell my family because they really don’t understand the depth of my grief and that for me Scooter was not just a cat but my best friend.
Patricia
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Memories_of_Marmalade

Dear Patricia,

I am very sorry to learn of your loss. 18 years of age is an incredible run. Did you know the average lifespan for a cat in the wild or on the street is only 2 to 5 years? Not that that will comfort you. But for your cat to have lived such a long and grand life is remarkable!

I too had to put my beloved cat down. His name was "Marmalade." Our story is shared here on this forum. He was my best friend, my son, my comrade in arms, my only remaining family, my love and my light and I too had to make that final, fatal choice and have him put to sleep.

It's been just over 9 months since he passed, and every single day I still speak out loud to his ashes. I tell him "Good morning" each morning and touch base at times during the day and speak to him at night when I return to where we lived and then again before I go to sleep. The cedar chest containing his ashes is the last thing I see each night when I turn the light out and tell him "Good night."

So please know that you are not alone.

My kindest regards & my sincerest condolences,
James
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James, thank you so much for the sweet encouraging words. My Scooter was also my best friend, my child, my heart and soul. I know that he had a good, long life and that he could not live forever but you’re right, that doesn’t help right now. Nothing is the same at home and nothing seems to matter very much anymore. I read your truly incredible journey with your Marmalade. Some greater power sent him to comfort you when you needed him most. Aren’t we all so incredibly lucky to have these wonderful beings come into our lives!
Patricia
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Dunky
You will make it through these tough times, Patricia. I promise.

Our story was similar to yours. Our Duncan had to be put under due to kidney failure too. It "is" tough to watch our loved ones slowly slip away from us. I will never forget every moment of that last day we had together.

Like your loved one probably knew, as ours did, their time was short but they were ready to go to the other side. I could see it in my little pup's eyes.

It has been two years as of today, and it does get better and the hurt starts to fade. Honestly though, one day at a time. You can do this!

Be kind to yourself. Your Baby always wanted you to be happy. Our friends live for us to be happy. We can not let them down. Every time I start to feel overwhelmed (I still do sometimes, but not very often now) I remind myself to be strong for his sake since he was always so strong for me when he was here by my side. It is my turn to be by his side and be strong while he rests. For me, it is really that simple and that is what I have to tell myself.

Countless others here on this website understand your pain. You are not alone, and your baby is still here with us all.

All the best to you. And, another bowl of Ice Cream!

Regards,
Robert
Duncan's picture at the vet... Daddy, I don't like it here: https://drive.google.com/open?id=1Puz4dHC5mN8UqTavZ5cT4OQb-gpZOFXH
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Robert, thank you so much for your encouragement. It does help to hear from someone who is two years out from this trauma. I’m so glad that you are doing well/better. I will try to keep telling myself that I need to be strong for my Scooter’s sake, like you mentioned. I liked your ending—have another bowl of ice cream! I have been self-medicating with all kinds of junk food. I can put on my makeup and go out and pretend that I’m OK, but once I return to an empty house I just fall apart. Some days I think I did the right thing to euthanize when I did and other days I’m absolutely certain that I did the wrong thing and don’t think I can ever forgive myself. It’s only been a little over a month, so I will take your kind words to heart and hope that the pain does get less after a while. Thank you.
Patricia
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Pootiepaws
I apologize for your loss,  and the decision you had to make.  Please look at my posts about my cat.
I still question my decision to call the vet for an appointment to have her put down.  I could hear the blood pumping in my ears at work after the appointment was set.  I new she was trying her best,  but struggling.
She died at home with me as I think both of us wanted,  she always put up a fight at the vet. 
It was a very tough call,  but I am conditioned to think it's the humane thing to do if you can.
I don't wish her back,  as it was a struggle for her.  But I still question the same thought you do.
I hope this helps.  I can definitely understand your loss.
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Dunky
Patricia,

Consider having your favorite kind of music playing for when you walk in the door. Have an Ice Cream scoop ready and waiting and think of the happy times, so that you can reward yourself for carrying on in their absence. It is not your fault. You were companionate.

I don't have the experience of knowing when it is time to get another furry friend to come home to but consider that as an option. Scooter would understand you are not replacing him, you are just lonely, and back to my original post: they want us to be happy.

You can do it!
milk_cream_2.0.jpg 
Duncan's picture at the vet... Daddy, I don't like it here: https://drive.google.com/open?id=1Puz4dHC5mN8UqTavZ5cT4OQb-gpZOFXH
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codysmum102
Patricia,
I wanted to euthanize my Cody at home too but when I called they didn't have any availability for 3 days and I didn't want to wait that long. I waited too long for my dog, Stubby, and it actually made the euthanization process harder. They had to keep sticking him with the needle because he was dehydrated and his veins we're collapsing. I've read that it is better to euthanize a day too early than a day too late. I think that is true. You did what you did out of love and took the suffering upon yourself to spare your baby. It is the ultimate act of unselfishness and sacrifice.
Take care,
Julie
Julie 💔
"Grief only exists where love lived first."
--Franchesca Cox
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Merlinsmom
I am going through the same thing. Just can’t help thinking I put my Merlin to sleep too soon. He also was 18 and had kidney disease for many years. Tuesday he was so weak and had not been eating much for a few days. I thought it was time, but I miss him so much! I work from home and he was with me day and night. It is just about unbearable! I just want him back so bad 😢
MaryBeth 
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codysmum102
Mary Beth,
My cat, Moneypenny was 18 when I helped her cross the rainbow bridge and my dog, Cody was 13 1/2. My brain knows I did the right letting them go but my heart wants them back so much. I lost Moneypenny back in 2017 and Cody almost 8 weeks ago. The emptiness is overwhelming and I long for them every day. I'm retired so I was home with them 24/7 too and my life revolved around them. Now there is such a huge hole in my daily existence. I wish I could say something to you  to make pain go away but I don't know what to do myself. 💔 I just keep talking on the forum and go to the candlelight ceremony on Mondays. It helps some to know that you are not alone.
Take care,
Julie
Julie 💔
"Grief only exists where love lived first."
--Franchesca Cox
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Robert, your Dunky was so adorable!  Thank you so much for all the suggestions.  Every bit helps.  Julie, I too am retired and spent every minute that I was at home with my cat, Scooter.  It does leave a huge hole in my life now that he’s gone.  And thank you for explaining what happened when you felt like you waited too long to euthanize your dog, Stubby.  I did not know that the euthanization could be so difficult if they were dehydrated and their veins collapsed.  My Scooter was dehydrated but must not have been to the point that you Stubby was.  It sounds like no matter what age our fur babies were, we all felt like it was way too soon, and we all feel guilt over euthanization—whether to do it, when to do it, where to do it, guilt if we did it and guilt if we didn’t do it.  And it is so much like losing a family member.  People who do not own pets have no idea!  This website is so helpful to be able to discuss our feelings.
Patricia
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Dunky
Yes, we are all in the same boat with guilt complexes galore. Our Buddies didn't understand what was happening, but we all knew they did not feel good.

We did the right thing. They hurt, we helped to not have them feel the pain that was not going to go away. It never does go away. Their kidney's, a filter, were full and there really isn't a way to avoid all the ugly that would follow.

Duncan's sister, of the same litter, is clinically blind and deaf and is coming up on her 18th birthday on April 2nd. Woohoo! But... Just before I wrote this post she fell down the stairs to the horror of my wife who saw it all happen. She's fine and is acting like nothing happened. My wife is more upset than Hannah is. Her health is starting to fail too. We have that to look forward to now. Just when we are starting to get over him, her health is fading slowly but the signs are there. Probably heart disease for her. 🙁

You did everything to/for your friends out of love and compassion. It can be very lonely being retired when your pets start to drift away. It reminds us of how precious life can be. And, how fast it goes by.

Hang in there ladies. It does get better. You will be able to smile again and remember the good times and push away the bad. Life moves on. It just seems slow right now.  <3
Duncan's picture at the vet... Daddy, I don't like it here: https://drive.google.com/open?id=1Puz4dHC5mN8UqTavZ5cT4OQb-gpZOFXH
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