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cmgrier

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Reply with quote  #16 
Saturday I got into the car for the first time since I had to take you to the vet. It is also the first time I had been out of the house since then. I was not driving. Your daddy was. It's a good thing he was because I cried the whole time. I cried hard. Sunday was the first day I drove since. I cried some, but then quickly became numb and zombie like. By the time I got back home, I was shaking. I got your vile of hair out of the car Sunday also. I held on it tight all night last night. I am back at work today. I brought the vile with me. It has been hard to concentrate. My anxiety is high. I found myself looking at shih tzu puppies, wondering if I got another, would it help me fill the void that you left or would I resent it because it isn't you. I saw a little lady that won't be ready until April. Will I make it until then? Will I be ready by then? At the same time I feel as if I have betrayed you by even considering another one. Nothing can ever replace you, ever. I think Xi is missing you. He follows me around like he knows. 
Every heartbeat hurts. I miss you.....................
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JK

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Reply with quote  #17 
Quote:
Originally Posted by cmgrier
I still see you. I see you everytime I turn a corner or open a door. I see you standing there wagging your tail, so happy to see me again.
I hear you. Not the you before you got sick. I hear you wheezing and it rips my heart right out of my chest.
I feel you. I feel you on the footrest of the recliner between my legs where you always are. I go to shift my weight, trying not to disturb you, like I always do, but then the pressure of what I thought was you disappears.
Everywhere there are reminders that you are gone, that I had you put down. And even though my mind knows that was the right thing to do, my heart screams in agony over my sin. It takes everything I have not to scream at the top of my lungs that I just want you back. I want to hold you and comfort you and rub your belly.
I have yet to see your grave. I am scared to. I am scared that I will not be able to keep my sanity when I see it. I try not to think about you lying in your coffin in the ground. But i keep seeing your body in it after I placed you there when we returned from the vet. I do not know how I made it home after that, holding you in my arms, wrapped up in a blanket like a baby. You looked like you were asleep.
And today! Today on Facebook, today of all days, the memory for today was YOU, asleep on my bed, in daddy's spot, with the covers pulled up and tucked in around you. Never have I ever seen something so cruel and so beautiful at the same time.
Everything else in the house acts like you were never here, like your passing isn't even noticed. But I notice. I really do not want to live in a world that doesn't have you in it. I get through the day like a robot. But the anguish breaks through frequently. I love you Sasha. I love you like I birthed you myself. You were, no are my child and I am your mother and I will forever be.
  This so touched my heart; this is exactly how I feel; you write so poetically, it both comforts but also elicits more pain. I am so sorry for you loss. You loved your baby so much and that was surely felt. This is the first day in a week I have been able to control my crying after losing our 13-1/2 year old first dog, the love of our lives. Like you, I also see my sweet doggy everywhere in our home and hear her, too. The first night I heard her pounding up the stairs. This morning I saw her waiting for me at out bedroom door. She was my first dog ever and the pain is unbearable at times. "Everything else in the house acts like you were never here." It's that silence of the house, even with a quiet dog, that magnifies the pain and the guilt of the decision, and the loss. We didn't want ours to die alone without us either; we both held her as she passed and could see the comfort she felt from that. She nestled in her daddy's arm as she said goodbye.



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cmgrier

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Reply with quote  #18 
Today it has been a week. It has been the hardest week I have had in a long time. I cry less but my anxiety is worse. I know it is from trying to do everyday things when my soul has been torn to shreds. I stuff the grief down because I am expected to work, to act normal. But something always brings it to the front and I sob. Any stress now feels like a catastrophe that engulfs me. The pain is so great that I wish I couldn't feel anything. My guilt has subsided ever so slightly because I know you were suffering. It has only been a week. But it feels like an eternity.
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SugarBooger

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Reply with quote  #19 
CMGRIER:
I’m sorry your heart is shattered. I wouldn’t wish this misery on anyone. I had to put one of our dogs down Monday and I am also barely functioning. I am not hungry and last night all I did was dream of our little girl still being here. While her memory is sweet, this loss is torture. I pray time heals these wounds of our’s and that we can honor them by living how they would want for us. I know they wouldn’t want us sad. It’s going to take a long time to get there but I hope each passing hour gets better.
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