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cmgrier

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Reply with quote  #1 
Yesterday I had to do the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. I had to put my furry soulmate to sleep. Her name was Sasha Sue. But I called her Sa-she, Sue-sue, Sue-se and baby girl and she answered to all of them. Sasha was MY very first dog and she belonged solely to me. I knew she was my furry soulmate the first time I laid eyes on her almost 10 years ago. I had wanted a Shih Tzu and my ex-husband's neighbor had abandonded their puppy because they said that they couldn't have her at their new place. Thankfully she was not all by herself for long. She was only a few months old and I fell in love hard at an instance. We grew inseparable quickly. She gave me comfort during a very painful break up and always gave me unconditional love. She became very protective of me. I used to tell her she suffered from little dog syndrome because she always acted as if she was 100lbs instead of 14. She was fearless, but yet so gentle and loving. She immediately assumed the position of my baby and realized that just as quickly. It was so easy to love her. I thanked God for her often.
She was a healthy girl full of spunk until about 6 or 7 months ago. At that time, my baby that never complained about anything, never ever let out a whimper or cry, began whimpering and not straightening out her back. I took her to the vet a d he put her on steroids, stating it seemed like a bulging or slipped disc. As long as she took the steroids, she was her old self. We began weaning her of the steroids and were successful after a little while. She was back to her old self without medication. At least until about 4 or 5 months ago. It was then she developed what I thought was a cold. I took her to the vet and he gave her antibiotics and steriods. She got worse. He gave her stronger antibiotic, steriod and a fluid pill because her lungs were wet. Still no improvement. He did xrays. Her heart was enlarged and compressed her lungs quite a bit. Also, she had major damage to her lungs that was prohibiting her from breathing normally. He said that it is most likely cancer because how fast it was progressing. He added a heart medication to see if that would help. After several weeks on the medication, we knew there wasn't anything else we could do. I took her home to say goodbye.between then and now I have struggled between knowing what I need to do and worrying I was jumping the gun and following through with what i knw needed to be done. I made many appointments to have it done, but either backed and canceled or just didn't show up. Until she began to have so much trouble breathing th that she would pass out. She wouldn't hardly stand lost weight, and her actually eating well was one of the things I used to talk myself out of doing what I need to do. She would also lay in my bed all day and not move or play. I began to worry that I would come home and find that she had died alone, and I didn't want her to die alone. So I forced myself to take her yesterday. I made them weigh her and listen to her lungs and tell me if she was as bad off as I thought she was. She was worse. She had lost a third of her body weight since November, there were hardly any breath signs and her heart was slipping beats.
Now, I feel like there is a giant hole in my heart that will never be filled. Everywhere I look, I expect to see her, to be able to call for her, but I don't and I can't. I just bust out crying when I think of here and the physical pain is great. I do not know how to get past this. I just wanted her back with me, for me to be able to hold her. I feel as if I will go mad.

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firefirst

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Reply with quote  #2 
I am sorry for your loss.  I have gone through this less than 48 hours ago.  It is difficult to even breath sometime.  I think  Sasha Sue was very lucky to have such a good Guardian.   Hopefully you will find comfort with others who understand where you are coming from.  This has helped me the last two days.  I will say a prayer, and hope you find comfort in the good 10 years together.
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ROBERT A 
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cmgrier

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Reply with quote  #3 
I still see you. I see you everytime I turn a corner or open a door. I see you standing there wagging your tail, so happy to see me again.
I hear you. Not the you before you got sick. I hear you wheezing and it rips my heart right out of my chest.
I feel you. I feel you on the footrest of the recliner between my legs where you always are. I go to shift my weight, trying not to disturb you, like I always do, but then the pressure of what I thought was you disappears.
Everywhere there are reminders that you are gone, that I had you put down. And even though my mind knows that was the right thing to do, my heart screams in agony over my sin. It takes everything I have not to scream at the top of my lungs that I just want you back. I want to hold you and comfort you and rub your belly.
I have yet to see your grave. I am scared to. I am scared that I will not be able to keep my sanity when I see it. I try not to think about you lying in your coffin in the ground. But i keep seeing your body in it after I placed you there when we returned from the vet. I do not know how I made it home after that, holding you in my arms, wrapped up in a blanket like a baby. You looked like you were asleep.
And today! Today on Facebook, today of all days, the memory for today was YOU, asleep on my bed, in daddy's spot, with the covers pulled up and tucked in around you. Never have I ever seen something so cruel and so beautiful at the same time.
Everything else in the house acts like you were never here, like your passing isn't even noticed. But I notice. I really do not want to live in a world that doesn't have you in it. I get through the day like a robot. But the anguish breaks through frequently. I love you Sasha. I love you like I birthed you myself. You were, no are my child and I am your mother and I will forever be.
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Lillymylove

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Reply with quote  #4 
Oh what a beautiful girl, I bet she had a love drenched life, I lost my Lilly 17 months ago and miss her so much. Take care Dave

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David 

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cmgrier

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Reply with quote  #5 
I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Kathrine was killed. I know the only reason I dreamt it was because my subconscious is trying to process your death and my pain. When I woke, it scared me and then made me remember how when you and she were younger, you used to think everything that was hers was yours. You laid claim to her bed, her stuffed animals, even her food. Never did you steal from anyone else's plate but hers. I remember that she eventually trained you to work for the food by "sitting pretty". Lol, she didn't have a clue as to how strong of a weapon she was giving you by teaching you to sit in such a cute fashion. No one could deny it everytime you used it, not even me, and I was the tough one with you about table foods.
Before I finally went to bed last night. I went out on the deck and looked over at your grave for the first time. You felt so far away. I had to fight the urge to go lay on the cold hard ground on your grave or dig you back out of it to hold you one more time.
I think I am going to have daddy move you though. I think I am going to get him to move you beside my swing so you can be with me in my little oasis, like you used to be.
I haven't cried as much today. I think I am mainly numb. I am scared of how I am going to do when I return to work Monday. All I want to do is curl up in a ball in my bed and stay there. I miss you so much!
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AlabamaAnnie

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Reply with quote  #6 
Oh, how I feel your pain. I also want to curl up in bed and not face the world. I have other pets, and I love them dearly, but I miss my cat, sweet Rain. I try to distract myself with work, but I find that I am still struggling. I hope that this gets better, because the pain is so real.
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cmgrier

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Reply with quote  #7 
Quote:
Originally Posted by AlabamaAnnie
Oh, how I feel your pain. I also want to curl up in bed and not face the world. I have other pets, and I love them dearly, but I miss my cat, sweet Rain. I try to distract myself with work, but I find that I am still struggling. I hope that this gets better, because the pain is so real.

Yes it is. I find it hard to function on any level. People around me are still expecting me to do things, like nothing has happened. But I can't I am walking around like a dandelion and the slightest breeze can tear me apart. Most of my kids, whom all are grown, understand I am not doing good, except my youngest. He is high functioning autistic and doesn't understand what I am going through and that I am so fragile at the moment. That is causing issues between us. To his defense, I sit around blank face now instead of crying. So it makes it hard for him to recognize something is wrong.
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cmgrier

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Reply with quote  #8 
My baby girl! I am missing you so much! My heart hurts to think of you. I try to keep myself distracted. When I can't, I go to sleep. My nerves stay shot. I cannot even enjoy the grandbabies. I stay on edge. It won't take much to tip me on over. The more I think about you, the more I realize you must have been sick for a while. I realize that you had quit playing like you used to. You used to be my alarm clock. You would climb on me in the morning and begin scratching at the covers to get to my face to give me kisses. There are so many memories of you. I still see you everywhere. I am trying to cope. And I pray to God to get me through this. Right now I just wish time would stop until I can work through this.
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Nacoka

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Reply with quote  #9 
Dear Cmgrier

It’s going to take a while. I lost my baby, Jack in September. He was only 9 years old. He was only sick one day. The doctors did preliminary test and wanted to do a lot more, but his prognosis was grim. He had some kind of leukemia or bone cancer.

For two months I was devastated. I sobbed constantly. I started doing a daily journal. I would write down my feelings some days. And write letters to him the next. It was cleansing. Then one day I felt a little better and I was able to talk about him. I still tear up. I miss him dearly. You have to grieve.. Be easy on yourself. You’ll get through this. It just takes a lot of time.

The people in this forum have helped me considerably. And they continue to help me.

Jack’s mom
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cmgrier

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Reply with quote  #10 
Thank you for your kind words. It is hard when it is a sudden sickness that takes our babies. I think I would be more at peace if she had gotten to live out her full life span. Her sickness was sudden for me and the prognosis was not good. Yet I couldn't let go. I had made several appointments with the vet to have her put down just to cancel or not show up because I couldn't. I was always scared that I was jumping the gun and just plain scared of losing her. When she started losing weight and passing out from not being able to breath, I had to make myself do it. I felt guilt from letting her get to that point and guilt for doing it. I know in my head it was right to end her suffering because she would have tried to hold on forever just for me and she deserved not to suffer like that anymore. I do have peace in that I know it as time - actually beyond time. I just have to get her ghost out of my head. That way my mind will stop thinking she is still here and quit seeing her everywhere. This forum has helped me tremendously. It has given me an outlet. There is no one that I can talk to in my house that understands. I even went through the process alone. I don't know how I made it through that. Everyone here knew it would hurt me but really doesn't understand how deep.
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Nacoka

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Reply with quote  #11 
Even with people around you who understand your grief, you still go through alone. My husband, who is usually pretty stoic, reared up. But he did not grieve as deeply as I did and am still doing. He tells me to move on. I am, but a snails pace. Here’s what haunts me, we didn’t do all the tests. It would have cost at least $10000 just to determine what the oncologist was 99 percent sure he had. His blood platelets were so low, they had to do the blood tests twice. I think if it was up to me alone, I would have done all the tests if they could tell me his quality of life would be restored. But they could not. The vet said he would be doing what we finally did. (I can’t even say the word). I’m crying as I tell my story now. I miss him so much. He was my soulmate.

He was my Jackie boy, my little boogaloo, my little man, man. I’ll love him forever

Jack’s mom

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cmgrier

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Reply with quote  #12 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nacoka
Even with people around you who understand your grief, you still go through alone. My husband, who is usually pretty stoic, reared up. But he did not grieve as deeply as I did and am still doing. He tells me to move on. I am, but a snails pace. Here’s what haunts me, we didn’t do all the tests. It would have cost at least $10000 just to determine what the oncologist was 99 percent sure he had. His blood platelets were so low, they had to do the blood tests twice. I think if it was up to me alone, I would have done all the tests if they could tell me his quality of life would be restored. But they could not. The vet said he would be doing what we finally did. (I can’t even say the word). I’m crying as I tell my story now. I miss him so much. He was my soulmate.

He was my Jackie boy, my little boogaloo, my little man, man. I’ll love him forever

Jack’s mom


I am haunted by the same. We didn't have the tests run because they were going to be so expensive and her xrays of her lungs and heart were so bad. Her heart was so enlarged that it rested on her breast bone from the weight of it. And her lungs were already so damaged. The vet said that he thought it was cancer but could not be sure without a biopsy. I specifically asked if it was and we did chemo, would she regain lung function. He said no, the damage was done. We did try lasix, heart meds, steroids, and antibiotics just to see if it was an infection. She did not improve. That was the biggest hurdle for me to do what I needed to do. I kept saying she may get better, if I do it now, I might be giving up on her too soon. She would have good days and I would think she was getting better. But then she would always get worse. I was the same, I would have done everything if I knew it would make her better, no matter the cost. Before I could let the vet do "it", I made him weigh her and examine her to make sure she was in as bad of shape as I thought she was. My poor baby had lost a third of her body weight in just a couple of months. He confirmed that her lungs were just barely functioning and he said that her heart had begun skipping beats. That broke my heart to know I made her get to that point. But it also solidified that I had to do "it". My worst fear was coming home from work to see that she died without me by her side. I couldn't let that happen, no matter how hard it was for me to see her go.
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MarkC

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Reply with quote  #13 
I’m so sorry, cmgrier. We had to put down our Mollie due to cancer 8 days ago. Once we realized what was going on and how sick she was, it seemed like she was taken from us in the blink of an eye. It’s so unfair.
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Nacoka

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Reply with quote  #14 
I am grateful for having Jack for 9 years. He gave me love; he taught patience and he showed me how to be compassionate. I was always an animal lover but since he’s been in my life I am so much more. I really do thank God that he put Jack in my life. It’s been almost 5 months. I really do have to move on. Thank you all for helping me through this process. I’ll probably be off the forum for a while.

God Bless all of you

Nancy (Jack’s Mom)
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MarkC

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Reply with quote  #15 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nacoka
I am grateful for having Jack for 9 years. He gave me love; he taught patience and he showed me how to be compassionate. I was always an animal lover but since he’s been in my life I am so much more. I really do thank God that he put Jack in my life. It’s been almost 5 months. I really do have to move on. Thank you all for helping me through this process. I’ll probably be off the forum for a while.

God Bless all of you

Nancy (Jack’s Mom)



Take care, Nancy. When you feel up to it let us know how you’re doing.

- Mark
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