I am so sorry you are going through this. You have come to the right place though for comfort and support. No one here will judge ANYTHING you say or feel. Please TRY not to place any guilt on yourself for anything. Seems like we ALL find something to guilt ourselves with usually unfounded.
Everyone here understands exactly how you feel. We have all lost our "once in a lifetime" loves. Someone wiser than I am said "you took on her pain so that she could be FREE from pain". It is the greatest gift of love you can give----------and YES it hurts so BAD.
Please know I am holding you close in my thoughts and sending you hugs. Take care of yourself, it is easy to get sick right now. I lost my Molly at Thanksgiving and still crying daily over her loss.