Beenersmom
Hi. I don’t know why life is beating me up so bad. I lost my precious dachshund Beener of 15 1/2 years on the 13th. My sweet cat Sylvester that was 6 that I hand raised ran away after seeing Beener dead. Now he’s gone too, I heard he may have drowned in the flooding we had in the area last week. I lost half my fur family and babies the same day and it’s killing me. I can hardly function and cry myself to sleep every night and wake up crying every day. Yesterday I got confirmation that it was probably Sylvester who was drowned. I don’t have a body nor was I able to say goodbye. I just remember him around when Beener died and then never saw him again. Couldn’t say goodbye or protect him from harm. I’m so lost I don’t know what to do. My sweet Roxy dachshund is lost without her partner and my other cat Fatty is Sylvester’s brother and he won’t go outside he’s so scared and sad. They’re sad, I’m sad and just falling apart. Why??? All these years of taking care of them and two go at once...

Sylvester loved Beener so much. He would try to love on him when he went out to pee and would knock him over when he peed and I’d get mad at him. He loved sitting with him and he looked after Beener. I guess I didn’t really pick up on how much he really loved him. He didn’t get much attention during that window where Beener was sick and I feel so bad. And now he’s gone too, I couldn’t help him and couldn’t find him. I feel guilty and horrible about it. I don’t know how to get through this. :( I just feel like giving up.

Here’s my sweet Beeners story, posted in another thread.

“ Miscarriage, divorce and Now my baby Beener is gone....

My 15 1/2 year old precious baby boy Beener died in my arms at 4:00 AM on Tuesday morning from lung disease and heart failure. This has been by far one of the most devastating events of my life, despite my past. I'll explain why......

My precious dachshund Beener was born on 11/23/02 in a shelter. That same day happened to be my wedding day to my ex husband, who was my best friend and partner. We got Beener when he was 4 weeks old. From that day forward he was my shadow for 15 1/2 years. In 2011, I got pregnant with my first child, we were so excited. I miscarried a few weeks later which was so devastating. I was ready to try again but My husband could not handle the loss and a few months later on Fathers Day he walked out and I never saw him again. He just couldn't handle it. So I lost my baby and my husband.

My precious Beener became my "baby" after the miscarriage. He was already clingy and baby like from day 1, but he even more so became my baby. At my age I knew that I would probably not have the chance to have another baby. Beener is what got me through the divorce, bankruptcy and pain that I endured and still endure to this day from that experience. He's been my rock, my child, my partner, my playmate, the only thing that has kissed me since then. He has a whole wardrobe of precious tshirts and clothing and he loved to wear them! I took care of him and protected him all these years. He loved me more than any animal I have ever had and his whole interest in life was me. My other dachshund loves to hunt and is very independent but so precious. Beener only wanted to be with me, eyes always on me or touching me. He kissed my feet at night to calm me and licked my tears when they came. He was my parents "Grandpup" as they missed having a grandchild as well and they spoiled them rotten, especially the old man Beener.

I can't tell you how precious he was, everyone loved him and he had such a wonderful spirit and personality. ‘He was diagnosed with chronic bronchitis from exposure to an essential oil spray I used to use. I am having a hard time forgiving myself for knowing I probably caused this disease. We fought the off and on flares of lung disease for a couple years, and he kept bouncing back so many times as he wasn't ready to leave yet. I had anticipatory grief this whole time knowing that someday he would leave me, and it hit every time he had a flare and couldn't breathe. He never complained, he always kept kissing me and loving me through it. He loved his treats, rides, stroller walks or anything that we did. He was at my feet every time I got out the shower to lick me, every night in my legs or arms to sleep, at my feet if I washed dishes or cooked for 15 years. I swear if I jumped off a bridge he would've followed, that's how loyal and stuck to me he was. I haven't left him for a night in years as he got too upset when I left and I didn't have anyone to keep him after the divorce that he would do well with except my parents.

A couple months ago he got a lot worse and then meds weren't helping as much. His arthritis was so bad too but he kept pushing through several near death bouts with his lungs. He did everything he could to stay with me. He fell out the car onto cement, down a flight of stairs, and so much more and bounced right back. He wanted to be with me!!

I noticed last month his breathing was different from the lung disease breathing. He was losing weight and more lethargic. I took him to the vet and he was diagnosed with CHF. After that he would collapse daily. He couldn't walk around or bark or strain or get excited or it would result in him collapsing. Each time I thought he would die.....I've held him in my arms 24 hours a day to prevent him from collapsing as I hoped the heart meds would work. I knew it was his heart before then!! I hate I didn't start meds sooner....

I noticed a few days ago he was just weaker and weaker and I knew what was coming. I couldn't eat or leave the house, I just held him all day, as it was the only way to keep him calm. I cherish every moment I had him in my arms....He was still happy, ear up, loved to eat, loved the stroller and rides. I couldn't go anywhere that he couldn't go with me but I was ok with that.

On Monday, I woke up and looked at him in the bed and I heard in my head "He's going to die today..." I just didn't see that spark in his eye and he was tired on a soul level. I held him all day, went for a ride but he just couldn't keep any energy. At about 11 he had a bad collapse and I thought it was the one. He did come back out of that one but I knew the next one would be fatal as he was weak and couldn't walk after that one and had so much fluid in his lungs.

About 3:30, he had the one. I wrapped him up again as he kept peeing and pooping when they happened...I held him in the recliner and rocked him and told him I would be ok and just kept telling him how much I loved him. He howled a couple times and put his head back as far as it would go to try to breathe. He struggled just a little, then had a couple of the tiniest breaths, his mouth hanging open, and then did two twitches, and he was gone. It traumatized me but I know he wanted it that way.

My baby boy.....the day I've dreaded for years. I held him for about 30 minutes and then put him in his stroller in the bedroom with us and lit a candle. Roxy smelled him that day and since then has been so depressed. She just keeps her head down all day and doesn't get excited about anything, she just sleeps. That was her man, her partner and playmate.

Since then, I can't function. The grief of losing him brought up additional grief of the loss of the marriage, miscarriage and all that went with that. Beener kindof represented that era in my life as he was born on our wedding day. The closure to that experience and that love, the loss of my baby once again.

My house is quiet, my arms are empty, and my heart is broken. I can't stop crying, I can't eat, I can't do anything but take Roxy to the park to look for squirrels. It's the only thing that perks her up. Not hearing his feet on the floor and feeling him in bed and in my arms is killing me. I took him to be cremated and need to pick him up today but don't think I can yet. Leaving him there was torture as I have never left him and not come back for him.....

I don't know how to live without him here. I don't know if he's ok. I'm not with him to take care of him. I've protected him and taken care of him every moment of the day for years. What do I do now??? I don't want to be home or even live here anymore because there's too many memories of him. I sit under our favorite tree and bawl and Roxy just lays there. It's too quiet....the bed is too empty....I don't get kisses anymore....he's not in my arms. His soft fur and suede belly. His tail always wagging, always barking for treats, always wanting to go when I left the house, his robust and crazy freakouts when I got home, his love of food, his sweet nose kisses, his smelly feet that smell like Fritos....all gone. He was the spark and the light of my life and my family. I have mourned this more than my miscarriage. This is the baby I did get to hold for 15 years..... “
Quote 0 0
Sil
Beenersmom,

My heart breaks, I am so sorry about your loss of Beener and Sylvester.  Our pets become a huge part of our lives, for some of us they become our "only" babies.  Beener was with you through happy, sad, and lonely times.  He gave you love, support and companionship.  Sylvester was also, your fur baby.  Both, of them gave you their "all", 'til they said good bye.  I know the pain, the powerless feeling, the not wanting to do anything, grieve, cry.  I wish, I had the power to "heal" your broken heart....

But, you still have fur babies, and they desperately need you, they are also in pain and grieving for their fur siblings. Please, take care of yourself, for you, and for them.  Hugs    
Quote 0 0
TobiasMan
Dear Beenersmom, I don't even know what to say to try and offer comfort in the face of such devastating losses. It sounds like a painful mixture of nostalgia, sadness and regret. I'm truly sorry for what you're going through.

As Sil said, please make sure to take care of yourself and of your other two babies. It's not only necessary, but will help you heal. Very, very slowly, but it will help.

And, know that we on this forum are here to listen to and comfort each other. I lost my sweet kitty only a few days ago and have been here since, but am finding this to be a refuge from the rest of the world that doesn't really "get it." Take all the time you need to grieve, and know that we are here.

Beener and Sylvester were beautiful boys, and lucky to have you as their mom!

Wishing you peace. Please let us know how you're doing in the coming days.

Katie


"How it is that animals understand things I do not know, but it is certain that they do understand. Perhaps there is a language which is not made of words and everything in the world understands it. Perhaps there is a soul hidden in everything and it can always speak, without even making a sound, to another soul." ― Frances Hodgson Burnett
Quote 0 0
Snowfire
Gosh I sure know how you feel and thinking of you and all the others here today. Love the fourth but not loud noise like my dog I'm trying to support.
I will check in as I can today noise permitting.
I love the guys here as some around me so cold.
Much love to you all.
Quote 0 0