Dear Beenersmom, I don't even know what to say to try and offer comfort in the face of such devastating losses. It sounds like a painful mixture of nostalgia, sadness and regret. I'm truly sorry for what you're going through.
As Sil said, please make sure to take care of yourself and of your other two babies. It's not only necessary, but will help you heal. Very, very slowly, but it will help. And, know that we on this forum are here to listen to and comfort each other. I lost my sweet kitty only a few days ago and have been here since, but am finding this to be a refuge from the rest of the world that doesn't really "get it." Take all the time you need to grieve, and know that we are here. Beener and Sylvester were beautiful boys, and lucky to have you as their mom! Wishing you peace. Please let us know how you're doing in the coming days. Katie
"How it is that animals understand things I do not know, but it is certain that they do understand. Perhaps there is a language which is not made of words and everything in the world understands it. Perhaps there is a soul hidden in everything and it can always speak, without even making a sound, to another soul." ― Frances Hodgson Burnett