Forum
Sign up Calendar Latest Topics
 
 
 


Reply
  Author   Comment  
deluisec

Registered:
Posts: 8
Reply with quote  #1 
My sweet 12 year old Lulu Ragdoll was euthanized in my arms in the early hours of Saturday March 9.
I was all alone. My regular doctors were not available and were not permitted to be disturbed by the ICU staff. I spent a full hour with Lulu afterward- stroking her head and telling how sorry I was. I have never felt so alone before like that and yet I knew that I owed Lulu this - to be present for her in this moment.

I am numb with grief. She had a small lung tumor that was caught incidentally on a chest X-ray - very early with no spread elsewhere. I was advised by the best veterinary care available that she should have the tumor removed. I was very apprehensive about the surgery and had many conversations with the surgeon about the risks. Never in my life would I have gone forward had I known what was to be the outcome. My poor Lulu survived the surgery which I was told was successful but developed serious respiratory issues after surgery that in spite of intensive ICU care for 4 days she could not overcome. I am filled with remorse. I am filled with remorse for not choosing a less invasive option which was never presented to me. This cat was my elderly mother’s long time companion. She succumbed not to her cancer but to the extreme negative consequences of the surgery and its sequela. I still don’t have a cause of death.
They presume that she developed some clots in her lungs that she could not clear.
My grief is bottomless. I know that I didn’t cause her death but I chose an option that had serious risks even though they were downplayed by my doctors. I was swept up in the “system” of western veterinary medical care where owners are quickly given diagnoses and standard treatments and sent on their way.
How would I possibly know what other options there could be? It would have meant going against veterinary advice.
I will never again be so quick to make a decision about anything so serious as surgery in my pet. And I will never trust the veterinary community again or at least for the foreseeable future. I will never get over her passing -
It was not supposed to happen like this. I feel that I failed Lulu.
I cannot talk to my family about these feelings. Only my therapist and the support group that I found is willing to help me with these feelings.


__________________
Cynthia de Luise
0
JanaJ

Avatar / Picture

Registered:
Posts: 120
Reply with quote  #2 
I’m terribly sorry for your loss! I lost my sweet kitty Big Boy one week ago. I wish I could tell you that the pain has gotten better, but it hasn’t. I’m just learning to live with it now. Everyone here understands your pain, and that’s what we’re here for! We’ve all cried, screamed, had panic attacks, felt that we couldn’t breathe, pulled our hair out..I think for a moment last weekend I went completely insane. But it’s all normal here. Feel free to do or say whatever will make you feel a little better, bc believe me, we’ve all been there. I hope and pray that your days get a little better. Again, I’m so sorry for your loss of sweet Lulu. I have a Ragdoll kitty as well, she’s my prissy baby, so I can imagine what you’re going through. When you feel like it, if you have pictures, please share. We love to see all the beautiful angels who are now playing together near the rainbow. Big hugs to you!! XOXO -Jana ❤️
0
deluisec

Registered:
Posts: 8
Reply with quote  #3 
Quote:
Originally Posted by JanaJ
I’m terribly sorry for your loss! I lost my sweet kitty Big Boy one week ago. I wish I could tell you that the pain has gotten better, but it hasn’t. I’m just learning to live with it now. Everyone here understands your pain, and that’s what we’re here for! We’ve all cried, screamed, had panic attacks, felt that we couldn’t breathe, pulled our hair out..I think for a moment last weekend I went completely insane. But it’s all normal here. Feel free to do or say whatever will make you feel a little better, bc believe me, we’ve all been there. I hope and pray that your days get a little better. Again, I’m so sorry for your loss of sweet Lulu. I have a Ragdoll kitty as well, she’s my prissy baby, so I can imagine what you’re going through. When you feel like it, if you have pictures, please share. We love to see all the beautiful angels who are now playing together near the rainbow. Big hugs to you!! XOXO -Jana ❤️

__________________
Cynthia de Luise
0
deluisec

Registered:
Posts: 8
Reply with quote  #4 
Dear Jana-

Thank you so much for writing. That you have a Ragdoll makes me so happy. I am very blessed to have another Ragdoll, William. Lulu was my elderly mother’s cat but like everything else with my mother, I was in charge of Lulu’s care. I. don’t know what I would do without William right now. I am trying not neglect him. He knows I am mourning sormething.

The circumstances around Lulu’s death were so terribly traumatic for both her and me. She could not breathe at the end and there was no question she was suffering. The euthanasia was so devastating. It was not done in a calm and serene manner. The ICU doctor was very bothered by Lulu’s instability and obviously wanted me to make a decision immediately. I will be forever haunted by that experience.

I pray that Lulu can forgive me for everything that happened. I am not religious but I am hoping that her spirit will make contact with me. I would like to believe that. I have attached a photo of Lulu. She was such a sweet little girl.

Thank you for being there, Jana.

Warmly -
Cindy


__________________
Cynthia de Luise
0
deluisec

Registered:
Posts: 8
Reply with quote  #5 
Photo of IMG_8269.JPG
[image]

__________________
Cynthia de Luise
0
deluisec

Registered:
Posts: 8
Reply with quote  #6 
Jana - I am trying to share photos of Lulu but I can’t figure out how to attach them.
I am using the upload files or photos feature under the message box but I don’t see then added to the message.
Can you explain how I do this?
Thank you.

__________________
Cynthia de Luise
0
JanaJ

Avatar / Picture

Registered:
Posts: 120
Reply with quote  #7 
Quote:
Originally Posted by deluisec
Jana - I am trying to share photos of Lulu but I can’t figure out how to attach them.
I am using the upload files or photos feature under the message box but I don’t see then added to the message.
Can you explain how I do this?
Thank you.

Good morning Cindy! I’ve had problems attaching photos since the second day I came here! I always attach them, wait for them to load, then click reply. My reply will show up, but no picture. So here’s what I do. I go back to the same reply and click edit, I then click and hold the link beside the picture until it’s says “Copy” above it, once copied I go under my reply (in the same box) and “Paste” the link. Then once I click save, my link should show up in blue, and others will be able to click and view it!
0
JanaJ

Avatar / Picture

Registered:
Posts: 120
Reply with quote  #8 
Quote:
Originally Posted by deluisec
Dear Jana-

Thank you so much for writing. That you have a Ragdoll makes me so happy. I am very blessed to have another Ragdoll, William. Lulu was my elderly mother’s cat but like everything else with my mother, I was in charge of Lulu’s care. I. don’t know what I would do without William right now. I am trying not neglect him. He knows I am mourning sormething.

The circumstances around Lulu’s death were so terribly traumatic for both her and me. She could not breathe at the end and there was no question she was suffering. The euthanasia was so devastating. It was not done in a calm and serene manner. The ICU doctor was very bothered by Lulu’s instability and obviously wanted me to make a decision immediately. I will be forever haunted by that experience.

I pray that Lulu can forgive me for everything that happened. I am not religious but I am hoping that her spirit will make contact with me. I would like to believe that. I have attached a photo of Lulu. She was such a sweet little girl.

Thank you for being there, Jana.

Warmly -
Cindy
Cindy I feel the same way. I have 5 other cats. Two of those kitties are my Big Boys sisters, Pinky and Charlie. I have his mom as well, Minnie. Charlie is his twin. She looks just like him. My heart sinks when I see her out the corner of my eye sometimes. The first few days, I definitely neglected my babies. I couldn’t eat or sleep myself, and I couldn’t imagine moving on, and caring for the rest of my babies without Big Boy. But that didn’t last too long. Today is 1 week since I lost him, and I’m much closer now with my other cats than ever before. I guess it’s all been a normal part of grieving. I’m glad that you have William there with you. At the moment you may just want to be alone with your thoughts, but in the end you will be so greatful for him. I would have literally lost my mind if I didn’t have my other babies here to keep me going. Lulu will send you a sign, don’t worry. I’ve had some amazing signs this week from my sweet Big Boy. Some of them weren’t so clear, but the last one was huge, and it left me with no doubts! I hope you can figure out how to post Lulu’s pictures! I would love to see her! And William as well! Look forward to talking with you again. ❤️❤️❤️
0
Kai_Baby1

Registered:
Posts: 219
Reply with quote  #9 
Quote:
Originally Posted by deluisec
My sweet 12 year old Lulu Ragdoll was euthanized in my arms in the early hours of Saturday March 9.
I was all alone. My regular doctors were not available and were not permitted to be disturbed by the ICU staff. I spent a full hour with Lulu afterward- stroking her head and telling how sorry I was. I have never felt so alone before like that and yet I knew that I owed Lulu this - to be present for her in this moment.

I am numb with grief. She had a small lung tumor that was caught incidentally on a chest X-ray - very early with no spread elsewhere. I was advised by the best veterinary care available that she should have the tumor removed. I was very apprehensive about the surgery and had many conversations with the surgeon about the risks. Never in my life would I have gone forward had I known what was to be the outcome. My poor Lulu survived the surgery which I was told was successful but developed serious respiratory issues after surgery that in spite of intensive ICU care for 4 days she could not overcome. I am filled with remorse. I am filled with remorse for not choosing a less invasive option which was never presented to me. This cat was my elderly mother’s long time companion. She succumbed not to her cancer but to the extreme negative consequences of the surgery and its sequela. I still don’t have a cause of death.
They presume that she developed some clots in her lungs that she could not clear.
My grief is bottomless. I know that I didn’t cause her death but I chose an option that had serious risks even though they were downplayed by my doctors. I was swept up in the “system” of western veterinary medical care where owners are quickly given diagnoses and standard treatments and sent on their way.
How would I possibly know what other options there could be? It would have meant going against veterinary advice.
I will never again be so quick to make a decision about anything so serious as surgery in my pet. And I will never trust the veterinary community again or at least for the foreseeable future. I will never get over her passing -
It was not supposed to happen like this. I feel that I failed Lulu.
I cannot talk to my family about these feelings. Only my therapist and the support group that I found is willing to help me with these feelings.


Cindy, i know your pain all to well. My beloved girl was diagnosed with a fatal sarcoma on Valentines Day and i still don't know if was an osteosarcoma or soft tissue sarcoma. I too felt so completely disillusioned by vets after pointless surgeries. My girls cancer was actually at the site of her previous spinal surgery so why did she get cancer there and why after and  going from one specialist to another was it not detected in time? These questions tormented me so  until i suddenly realized that it would NOT have mattered had she had the surgery or not, in the end the outcome would have been the same. For you see, when the Angels call our beloved fur baby back to heaven there is nothing you could have done differently that would have made any difference. Your choices are NOT to blame for the passing of your beloved Lulu for the choices you made all came from a place of deep love and your beloved Lulu knows that. Lulu also KNOWS that you did everything you possibly could to help her. She also knows how much you loved her and that is the ONLY thing that matters to the four-legged is our love!! Nothing else matters. No, you wont ever get over her passing for the love you share is eternal but, you will come to understand that she had to return home to heal and it was through your unconditional love that made that possible. YOU, indeed gave her the gift of healing and she will be thanking you for that! Please speak to her of your love, love and blessings to you xx
0
deluisec

Registered:
Posts: 8
Reply with quote  #10 
I am trying to reply to Kai Baby but not sure if this works.  I don't see how I am able to reply directly below the post of your email.  The reply button is all the way at the bottom.  anyway, Thank you so much for writing.  That I have a place to come to  to pour out my grief is saving me from complete desperation.  I am being told to get a grip; to remember the good times; to remember the years of love that Lulu gave us but I went through this whole experience with her; I was there when she was put down; I went through the entire work up and pre op and multiple calls with the surgeon assuring me that it was going to be okay.  I went through the roller coaster post op period that I will never get over.  I will never know what really happened; whether anything untoward was done that put her in a downward spiral.  This was supposed to be a curative surgery in the sense that we were going to give it our best shot so that she could live longer.   Instead the surgery was so horrendously difficult for her.  No one ever suggested palliative care or watchful waiting.  A 12 1/2 year old cat is old.  How many cats and dogs out there have cancer right now and their owners don't know it.  And some do worse but some live years more.  I know deep down that whatever it was that caused her deterioration - that it was time. My cousin says that God needed Lulu in heaven to help him.   I am not religious but I am hanging onto those words.   What more can I do?  Thank you Kai Baby.  
Warmly,
Cindy

__________________
Cynthia de Luise
0
deluisec

Registered:
Posts: 8
Reply with quote  #11 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kai_Baby1


Cindy, i know your pain all to well. My beloved girl was diagnosed with a fatal sarcoma on Valentines Day and i still don't know if was an osteosarcoma or soft tissue sarcoma. I too felt so completely disillusioned by vets after pointless surgeries. My girls cancer was actually at the site of her previous spinal surgery so why did she get cancer there and why after and  going from one specialist to another was it not detected in time? These questions tormented me so  until i suddenly realized that it would NOT have mattered had she had the surgery or not, in the end the outcome would have been the same. For you see, when the Angels call our beloved fur baby back to heaven there is nothing you could have done differently that would have made any difference. Your choices are NOT to blame for the passing of your beloved Lulu for the choices you made all came from a place of deep love and your beloved Lulu knows that. Lulu also KNOWS that you did everything you possibly could to help her. She also knows how much you loved her and that is the ONLY thing that matters to the four-legged is our love!! Nothing else matters. No, you wont ever get over her passing for the love you share is eternal but, you will come to understand that she had to return home to heal and it was through your unconditional love that made that possible. YOU, indeed gave her the gift of healing and she will be thanking you for that! Please speak to her of your love, love and blessings to you xx

__________________
Cynthia de Luise
0
deluisec

Registered:
Posts: 8
Reply with quote  #12 
Helo I am trying to reply to Jana.   I am new to this site and cannot figure out how I can put my reply right below your post.  Thank you for telling me how to post photos.   I posted two of Lulu.  
I know that time will give me a better understanding of things.  My therapist has told me about a Buddhist practice of Tonglen. I am trying to do it especially when the pain becomes overwhelming.  With each breath in I take in Lulu's pain especially her pain at the end when she was unable to breathe.   And with each exhale  I send her relief.  It is supposed to allow me to work with the pain and do something that will help myself and her.  I don't understand it completely but I am trying to do it
Thank you Jana.  
Warmly,
Cindy 

__________________
Cynthia de Luise
0
JanaJ

Avatar / Picture

Registered:
Posts: 120
Reply with quote  #13 
Quote:
Originally Posted by deluisec
Helo I am trying to reply to Jana.   I am new to this site and cannot figure out how I can put my reply right below your post.  Thank you for telling me how to post photos.   I posted two of Lulu.  
I know that time will give me a better understanding of things.  My therapist has told me about a Buddhist practice of Tonglen. I am trying to do it especially when the pain becomes overwhelming.  With each breath in I take in Lulu's pain especially her pain at the end when she was unable to breathe.   And with each exhale  I send her relief.  It is supposed to allow me to work with the pain and do something that will help myself and her.  I don't understand it completely but I am trying to do it
Thank you Jana.  
Warmly,
Cindy 

Hey Cindy! Don’t worry about it, I’ve been here a week and still can’t figure out how to work this site, lol! To reply right under my comment, click on “Quote” right at the bottom of my reply, then just write your reply out under mine. That should make your comment appear right under my box, hope this helps! I think the breathing practice you mentioned is an awesome idea, I think it will help you and Lulu tremendously! I’m going up now to look at sweet Lulu! ❤️
0
Previous Topic | Next Topic
Print
Reply

Quick Navigation:

Easily create a Forum Website with Website Toolbox.