Today is a very bleak depressing day. I don’t want to be awake. I want to sleep then wake up to my Max running around and barking. The idea that he’s not coming back is beginning to set in and with it follows a dark deep depression. For those of us who have endured trauma in our lives, this Profound loss (at least for me) is intertwined with my past trauma. It’s put me in a position to feel helpless again because I couldn’t save my Max. I had no idea how much he helped me heal from my trauma, how emotionally supportive he was in my life. I’m grateful to be in therapy, but Max was a part of my therapy too. That’s gone now. And I don’t know what to do or feel about that. 
Laraine Esposito 
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Dear Laraine,
I'm so sorry for you, and I know how you feel. The sadness of knowing our loved one won't be coming back is crushing.
My Bracken died Sunday, May 17, and the deep depression you describe sounds so familiar.
I hope it helps to know your grief is understood by those of us here.
Diane, Bracken's Mom

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Dear Laraine: I’m so sorry for the loss of your Max. I’ve also felt that depression of not wanting to get up or do anything, and the agony of realizing that they’re not coming back... after the early phase of shock and disbelief, when your brain thinks “This is not real, this is just a terrible dream. I’m going to wake up and he’ll be here next to me, and everything will be OK again.” It’s so painful to be forced to accept the finality, the feeling of helplessness knowing you can’t do *anything* to change the situation.

I also know what you mean about our babies helping us through trauma. I never realized until after I lost my Buddy, suddenly and unexpectedly in early March, just how much he helped me heal from the sudden, unexpected death of my dad a year and a half ago. Their calm, their constancy, their unconditional love provide such strong emotional support.

Sending you hugs...
Cindy (Buddy’s mama)
My baby Buddy 5/4/10-3/7/20, rescued March 2011
My sweet Mandy 11/27/91-11/2/10, rescued November 1992
My beautiful Barney 4/28/73-9/7/92, adopted May 1973
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Loraina,  I feel for you and the depression you are going through when Max was gone.  I can relate and honestly, there is nothing I could do at the time to make it better.  It has been a few months for me since I last got to be with my baby girl and the only thing that helps for me is to know that I’m not alone.  I’ve gone through trauma and I was alone, which is the worse way to go through anything hard in life, but when I got my baby girl like Max was there for me.  She was my only constant.  Take little steps every day, even if it means you just getting out of bed.  I’m here for you.
M moore
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