Dear Max. It’s been 20 days since your transition. The first 10 days or so I cried constantly, begged for you to come back. My grandmother just past away and their are some in my life having a difficult time. I actually feel guilty being consumed with these other things and going hours without thinking of you. I have guilt that I’m not constantly crying anymore. I sketched a picture of you and wrote a poem to you. Then I wrote you a lette. It’s really important to me that you don’t feel I’m forgetting you or abandoning you. I have so much guilt that your dad is too hurt to talk about you, I need to talk about you to keep you with me. Your little cold wet black nose, in the back of my knee when I’m getting ready to leave to tell me you want to come to. Watching me brush my teeth because you know that means I’m going out because your afraid I’m going to leave you. Putting away the dishes or taking out the laundry and you bringing your ball over to force me to play with you. Getting up out of my spot on the couch to get water, you jumping up there stealing it before I got back because it was warm. Your eyes always watching, observing to keep tabs on me every second. Walking into the kitchen and finding you sunbathing in front of the stove. Hiding a bone and weeks or months later barking at it, for me to retrieve it from your hiding spot. Peeing on everything during our walks. Sniffing every inch of grass, leaves, shrubs or dirt to figure out what was there. Jumping on top of the table to steal food while I momentarily left.   So many things, millions of things that made you special. That made you who you are. There’s an anxiety that has set in with your passing, it’s become almost impossible the past week to sleep for more than a few hours. My body, heart and mind keep looking for you. Even in my sleep I’m searching for you. I love you. 
Laraine Esposito 
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