codysmum102 Show full post »
Broken1
Achilly,

my precious lil Baby was only 3lbs.I told my mom “these meds are going to kill him,theyre just too hard on his little body”. 6ml prednisone 2x’s,gabapentin 7ml 2x’s and hydrocodone 7ml as needed max every 6 hours min once every 24hrs. At the end I gave it to him at $hrs a couple of times,just so he could sleep,hes been having these coughing episodes since 11/24,how much can a sweet lil boy/body/heart take? I just pray to God i made the right decision at the right time and i didn’t kill my Baby,I honestly feel like I betrayed his trust 

jimmy
Ill never be the same...
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codysmum102
At the end Cody was on the max of everything. The Keppra was every 6 hours 12am, 6am, 12 pm, 6pm. The Prednisone was every 12 and his Zonisimide and phenobarbital every 8. I had to set the alarm on my phone. If it would have worked I would have stayed home with him and done it forever but it didn't. I knew the Prednisone was not good for him but it was either that or put him down back in November because his quality of life was so poor. It only worked for two months but that was two months more of quality life then he would have had without it. When they are that sick it's a balancing act with the medication.
Julie 💔
"Grief only exists where love lived first."
--Franchesca Cox
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codysmum102
Jimmy,
It is hard when you are the one to decide that it is time. But I put myself in Cody's place. He didn't understand what was happening to him. Why I had to force medicine down him that he didn't want to take, why he felt so terrible and couldn't do the things he wanted to do, why I kept taking him to this place to be poked and prodded. You did the right thing by him. I wish that euthanasia was legal for people who are suffering. My mother suffered terribly for years before she passed. You did not kill your baby, you set him free from a body that was failing him. The end was going to come one way or another but you chose to give him a way out of the painful suffering he would have endured if you hadn't shown how much you truly loved him by trading his suffering for yours.
Julie
Julie 💔
"Grief only exists where love lived first."
--Franchesca Cox
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Broken1
Codysmum,
  I think you were talking to me Jimmy not Steve but thats ok lol! When this first happen to my baby I went to church cried and asked God for a week,the vets and the almost $3,000.00 specialist in Pa by my moms house suggested euthanasia about 4 weeks ago but I had the file sent to my primary vet in NY he called me right away and said ‘I have something we can try,I doubt its going to work but lets try” it was the Gabapentin and Hykadin (along w steroids but had that from other vets already) he,my NY vet gave me 4 more weeks when I asked God for one so I was blessed,I’m just really beating myself up over the times  lost my patience.No matter how many times people tell me how hard I loved,how sleep deprivaction is a form of torture,no matter how many times I apologized and kissed my Baby IMMEDIATELY,I JUST cant forgive myself...
Ill never be the same...
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Achilly
Codys mom and Jimmy Chance was on so many meds also. I also sendong guess myself. But they gave us more time togther and im so grafule. Of we didnt try the meds we woupd have been gone in days instaed we got another month. I'm so grateful for that. Jimmy no one can tell you how to feel. But from your posts you loved him tried so many meds. A person who is not nice to there pet would not have did what you did. We are human and get frustrated at times. He knew you loved him. He was a small little guy like Chance best friend. They were the odd couple.
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Broken1
Achilly,
  You really made me feel better and look it a little different but I’m going through crazy stages ,one hour happy,one crying,one mad and one confused. I LOVED him beyond the moon and stars but i just am second and triple guessing everything...

your broken friend,
jimmy
Ill never be the same...
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codysmum102
Jimmy sorry about that. My brain seems to not be running on all 8 cylinders lately since Cody passed. I seem to be forgetting and mixing up a lot of things lately. I used to think it was funny that my dad made lists of everything he had to do everyday but now days I am doing that too. Yesterday I had 5 things I had to get done. I only did 4, thought I was done and even though my list told me to stop and drop off a package at UPS, and it was sitting in the seat next to me I totally forgot. I hope at some point this brain fog goes away or maybe I'm blamming the grief and it's really old age finally catching up to me.

I am grateful for the extra two months I had with Cody after the Prednisone but being the greedy person I am I wanted more :-(

Julie
Julie 💔
"Grief only exists where love lived first."
--Franchesca Cox
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Broken1
Codysmum,
 thats fine,its all love here And forgiveness here (week as far as I’m concerned).im in a fog too but theres another part I dont want to do A thing.I shower normally twice a day,I haven’t showered since sunday because I’d put my baby on my bed and when i came out I’d see his GORGEOUS little face.God above only knows how much I love and miss him! Today when i was crying and feeling horrible about losing my patience with him someone told me “if you think the handful of times you lost your temper in the last 3 months erased the almost 14 years of love and affection,YOUR CRAZY” it mad me feel better for the minute but I’m up and down.btw if i told you that story before its cuz I’m in a fog,sorry.

I just want my baby back,what did i do??? I miss him so m,ugh but I’m terrified to look at pictures or videos because I’m going to lost it.my mom says “dont” shes strong enough to to look and cry I’d absolutely lose it!

I want you to do something,i use to play and sing “Sweet Creature” (by Harry Styles) to him,if you can listen to it,tell me what you think.at one time it was a happy song now that he has passed the words took on a new meaning...its deleted from my playlist!

your broken friend,
jimmy
Ill never be the same...
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codysmum102
Dearest Cody,

Well it’s 7 o’clock here and my heart has that sinking feeling again because it’s time to take you on your walk but you’re not here. So I’ve decided that

I will set aside our “walking time” to be our “writing time” so I can feel as though we are still spending that special time together. Last time I told you

that I needed to start walking again but to go any of the ways we used to go would just make me sad so this morning I took my walking stick and

walked up a path going up one of the big hills behind our house. It was slow going and hard but with a lot of huffing and puffing I made it up the hill

and after a bit of a rest and taking a picture I slowly made it back down. On the way down I saw two women. Each one had a dog. Thank goodness

neither one looked like you. One was a keeshond and the other was a black and gray poodle mix. I know in your younger days you would have made

it up that big hill with me but in your last few years I don’t think so. That’s why I didn’t feel bad walking up there without you. I miss you so much my

precious baby boy. I will never ever stop loving you. You were and still are the BEST DOG EVER!

You be a good boy and mommy be back later,

Mommy XXXOOO

Julie 💔
"Grief only exists where love lived first."
--Franchesca Cox
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codysmum102
Jimmy,

I listened to the song.  I liked it.  The line when I run out of rope, you bring me home reminds me of how Cody always used to bring me up when I was down and we're running through the garden where nothing bothered us reminded me of how it used to be when he was young and full of life.   Because it had such a special meaning for you and your baby though I can see why it would make you sad now and you wouldn't want to listen to it.  There is a song that does the same to me.  It is called I love my dog by Cat Stevens.  I used to play this and Cody and I would listen to it and I would sing to him too.  I haven't listened to it since he passed.  It's so very hard.  I feel like I have to rewrite my life in order to not do things that will make me cry. 

Your friend,

Julie

I inserted the YouTube link below in case you want to listen. 



Julie 💔
"Grief only exists where love lived first."
--Franchesca Cox
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Broken1
Codysmum,
 I’m sorry,I feel terrible now that you started to cry sharing that w me,never mind all the typos in my last post lol.I appreciate the share but I’m such a sentimental soul,I’ll cry for you if I listen to it.Its amazing how these little munchkins captured out hearts and took a huge piece w them,my little ”munchkin orunchkin” I miss him so! Id love to share a pic or video w you I just can’t look,I’m sorry.after crying and looking at your collage I can say Cody looked like a happy and cheerful little buy...

your broken hearted friend,
Jimmy
Ill never be the same...
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codysmum102
Jimmy,
Yeah I think that song would make anyone who had loved and lost their dog cry.  Cody was such a happy boy.  I miss his smiling face so very very much. 
Your friend,
Julie
Julie 💔
"Grief only exists where love lived first."
--Franchesca Cox
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Achilly
Jimmy glad if I could help even if for a moment.
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Achilly
Codysmom that song made me 😢 Chance was such a happy boy too. I understand about the walks and the different paths. I see some of his buddy's while driving home from work, and walking in the path behind our house. It breaks my heart. I just wish we had more time.. I knew he was slowing down a bit last summer, but kept thinking we still have a few years. In the mornings when my husband leave its just so quiet. Chance would always hand with me while getting ready for work. And when it was nice out we would go for a walk.
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Broken1
Achilly and Codysmum,
 late last night and all through the Morning ive found a new reason to be guilty and beat myself up...There were times where I’d have him next to me on the couch and I’d be on the ipad or when we went to bed I’d set him up in his enclosure (that was way oversized it could fit a cane corso,that he LOVED sleeping in and pad in there is more comfortable then my bed its like a cloud) and I’d lay down in my bed (which the opening was MAYBE 2 ft away so he could see me and i could jump up and make sure hes ok) and I’d watch videos on YouTube mostly positive to cheer up.its just eatin and beating me up that thone times I chose videos over spending more time w my Baby.My mom made me feel a little better and said “what if you had to leave for work And you didnt think he was going to go that fast and the last day when he wasn’t doing good you didnt leave his side and stood up all night” guys i feel like I’m wrong when i dont cry,then I’m mad,then I’m hysterical am I going crazy???

Btw the day the cough started I was playing PS4 now I wont play because i think its a jinx and scared if i play it’ll happen to his brother...is this normal or am I truly being too hard on myself?

your broken friend,
Jimmy
Ill never be the same...
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