I am writing you this letter because someone told me it would help bring closure. Remember when you were a puppy and I always told you we would always be best friends no matter what and I would always protect you? By now, you must know that was a lie. We are still best friends, but I could not protect you from this world anymore. Saturday night, I had to make the hardest decision of my life when I saw you laying on the ground and barely able to walk. Your mind was willing, but your body was not. Ultimately, I had to help make the decision to end your life.
There has yet to be a minute that has gone by where I have not questioned this decision. I keep play the “what-if” game with myself and wish there would have been another way. People say euthanasia is the last act of love, but I can’t help but feel like I betrayed you. I wish things could have been different.
I believe in Heaven and I know you’re up there with Jesus now. I was wondering when you were moving your paws Saturday night if you weren’t running towards the city of gold and the twelve pearly gates. Jesus Christ is a man that will never let you down, and he is a much better man that I could ever be. I hope you are enjoying his company along with the many other animals that are up there.
When you look down on our family, I hope it doesn’t hurt you to see us cry. We are selfishly grieving because we loved you so much. I know we are all experiencing pain differently. So far I have experienced numbness, pain, guilt, regret and anger. I know you had to see me express anger earlier when I kicked that door. I hope it made you laugh.
While I am thinking about it, please do me a favor and ask Jesus to bless that other family that had to put their dog down in the room next to ours Saturday night. I could tell they loved him and it brought me a little peace to know you wouldn’t be making the trip to Heaven alone. I hope you and that other dog became friends.
Today it was beautiful out. You would’ve enjoyed playing ball outside and I can’t help but think this week of beautiful weather is because of you. Are you playing ball in Heaven? Does the Rainbow Bridge really exist?
I don’t know the actual answer to any of these questions, but I’m sure you do by now. I know it will be tough going back home again; looking at your favorite spots, going for walks… the first snowfall will be hard. Watch over us, okay?
I love and miss you. I know everyone in our family would selfishly wish for you back in a heartbeat if it was possible. We miss you like crazy. Last night I stayed up until 4 a.m. thinking about you. Thank you for being so amazing. I love you.
Bandit (November 9, 2001 - March 5, 2016)