It's been three and a half weeks since my Cookie died and I'm furious. I've been waiting for all the warm and fuzzy memories to wash over me, but all I feel is tremendous anger. Anger that she's gone. Anger that I couldn't save her. Anger that I failed her. Anger that she didn't have the dignified death she deserved. I keep telling myself it was her time to go. But was it really? Or is she gone because I couldn't save her? Is she gone because I failed her? 
I'm so conflicted. My heart simply wants to grieve but my mind is racing a hundred miles an hour trying to dissect and analyze the last months, days, minutes, seconds of her life. All the 'what-ifs' are raging inside of me and I can't seem to quiet the noise. I blame myself for her death. I know none of this will bring her back. I was sobbing last night, and at first I was full of sorrow until the anger took over. I know this is all part of the grief process, but I can't help but feel I'm being robbed of the joy of my Cookie when she was here. Right now there are no happy memories. I know it will come, but at the moment it's a struggle to feel anything but anger.
Is anyone else going through this? Thanks for reading. Guess I just needed to vent 😢
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I lost my Maine Coon Monty almost eight weeks ago he was the light of our lives...he was an old boy and we knew the time was getting near...but sadly we could not be with Monty because of Covid-19 we had to leave him and be told by phone the outcome...the vets were really lovely and said they would cuddle him and tell him how much we loved him...and for many weeks it was hard for me to accept that I was not with my little man.

But now I am remembering the lovely sweet times we shared with him...I still get tearful every day because we loved him so much and do not dwell on those last days...he had many happy years with us.

Your anger will pass it is part of the grieving process and you will remember all the cherished times you had together.

Ellen x
Ellen Hague
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Thank you Ellen. I'm so sorry to hear about your little guy Monty. It sounds like he was very loved. I have a Maine Coon little guy right now. They're super special kitties. I'm happy to hear that now you're able to remember the lovely times you had with Monty. I hope that comes soon for me and my Cookie. Thanks for your response.💕
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Anger is the stage I usually get stuck in for the longest amount of time. Usually hits me at the one month mark. It's now been two months since my baby girl Sphinx passed away and I'm stuck in between sorrow and acceptance. I'm slowly getting there. We all grieve as uniquely as our loved ones were unique.

Sorry for your loss and I hope you will find yourself smiling at the memories soon. 
“Until one has loved an animal, a part of ones soul remains unawakened” ~ Anatole France
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I get very angry too. My Beau was only 8. His health was really so important to me. He has asthma, but I made sure to do everything I needed to keep him from having issues. Then, to just have him pass. I get overwhelmed with sadness, that turns to anger. Trying to be thankful for what I had but the anger at him being gone is so tough. 
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I have these very same feelings, Chantilly Cat. I lost my Molly suddenly and tragically on June1st to veterinary negligence. I spent many weeks blaming myself, and was then able to let go of that as I should have been able to trust a licensed professional doctor. It felt like I was moving into the acceptance and deep sadness face. Now I am having extreme anger and rage. I do not think the grieving process is predictable or the same for anyone. The circumstances of Molly's death complicate things for me. I feel it all of the time, but even more when my partner and I argue. She would always lay in bed with me right by my side. Now I am alone. I have to put up with his two jerk dogs all day...he neglects them and they are just awful. She had just turned 4 on May 6th. So unfair. When his dogs are being bad, the rage rushes over me sometimes. I am not sure what the circumstances were of your loved one's death, but if you can, try to let go of the guilt. It wears you down....a lot. It sounds like maybe you are in a similar situation and rather than guilt, remmber that it is a vet's job to provide responsible medical care.
Susan Malone
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I lost my beloved Cockapoo Pecan unexpectedly just over 4 months ago.  She was only 9. We don’t even know the exact cause. I have all the feeling that you’re having.  Somedays I just miss her and accept that I loved her and I did everything for her and she left because it was her time to go.  Even though we love our pets they have their own destiny and we can not control that but somedays I’m 100% sure that it was my fault.  I over looked things, I should have done more, spent more, taken her to the vet more often or sooner.  My girl deserved the best.  She was my soulmate and my best friend and I let her down.  She didn’t deserve to go this way.  When I think about how happy she was when we woke up on her last day and how she was lethargic a few hours later and passed away in matter of 9 hours my heart shatters in to million pieces.  I guess we all experience this no matter what.  I know if Pecan lived for 20 years I would still miss her and cry but at least I could keep my chin up and say I gave her the best life possible.  Not sure I can say that now.  I loved her so much and treated her like my own two daughters.  I hope she’s not disappointed with me and hope she knows how much I love her.  

Please be kind to yourself, take care of yourself and give yourself time to grieve and heal.  I’m praying for you and sending you love.

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Thank you so much for all your thoughtful responses. I feel held and validated. I'm gutted, though, that we're united in our grief of losing our fur babies.

@Peach - thank you for your kind words. I'm so sorry about your Sphinx. I too hope I will find myself smiling at the memories soon. By the way, I love that quote from Anatole France. Thank you for sharing.

@Darnell - I'm very sorry for your Beau. Doing everything we can for them and having them pass despite our efforts is very difficult. I too am overwhelmed with sadness that turns to anger. Wishing you peace.

@sus1485 - I'm so very sorry for your loss of Molly. What you went through sounds very similar to what I am going through and it's awful. I feel for you and my heart aches for you. So much of what you said resonated with me. I too lost my Cookie way too soon, and I blame the vet just as much as myself. Why didn't she treat the case more urgently? Why didn't she pay more attention to Cookie knowing full well that she was declining? By the time I demanded answers from the vet and took my baby to a specialist, it was too late. Cookie's vet should have cast another clinical eye at her case instead of blindly following protocols and throwing a whole bunch of meds at Cookie and seeing what would work. She should have asked "what else could be wrong with Cookie?" and "what other tests could we run to see what could be wrong?" The problem was that I trusted her to know what she was doing. I thought, "Well, she's the doctor. She's the expert. Surely, she knows what she's doing and what's best for Cookie." Well, I was wrong for trusting her and that's why I blame myself too. I feel like my instincts should have kicked in sooner, and I somehow should've become this superhuman pet mama and suddenly have known what I didn't know. Maybe that would have saved Cookie? Who knows anymore. I'm never going back to that vet. But Cookie's gone and I can never bring her back. I hope one day I can let go of the guilt. For now, I'm riddled with anger and regret and all the other emotions of grief, that like you said, are unpredictable. I'm also very sorry about your current situation with the other dogs. I know it's not fair and I'm sorry. I'm here for you if you want to chat. Sending hugs.
@Pecan_mom - I'm so very sorry about your Pecan. I know exactly how you feel. What you wrote: "Even though we love our pets they have their own destiny and we can not control that", brought tears to my eyes. I really, really want to believe that because I know it will bring me peace, but I think I'm still in the guilt, regret, what-if phase. My Cookie was also my soulmate and best friend and I feel like I failed her. And that makes me incredibly angry. Why did she have to die already? I loved her so much and I didn't want her to die. I wasn't ready for her to die. Maybe that's selfish of me, especially if it was in fact her time to go. I think the not knowing is what's killing me slowly inside and torturing me at night. I'd like to think our babies knew how much we loved them and that they're not disappointed in us. I will hold onto that. Thank you for taking the time to respond and sharing your process with Pecan with me. And thank you for the prayers. Sending you love as well and healing light.  
I'm here for anyone who wants to chat. Sending love to you all.❤️ ~Jennifer

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