It's been three and a half weeks since my Cookie died and I'm furious. I've been waiting for all the warm and fuzzy memories to wash over me, but all I feel is tremendous anger. Anger that she's gone. Anger that I couldn't save her. Anger that I failed her. Anger that she didn't have the dignified death she deserved. I keep telling myself it was her time to go. But was it really? Or is she gone because I couldn't save her? Is she gone because I failed her?
I'm so conflicted. My heart simply wants to grieve but my mind is racing a hundred miles an hour trying to dissect and analyze the last months, days, minutes, seconds of her life. All the 'what-ifs' are raging inside of me and I can't seem to quiet the noise. I blame myself for her death. I know none of this will bring her back. I was sobbing last night, and at first I was full of sorrow until the anger took over. I know this is all part of the grief process, but I can't help but feel I'm being robbed of the joy of my Cookie when she was here. Right now there are no happy memories. I know it will come, but at the moment it's a struggle to feel anything but anger.
Is anyone else going through this? Thanks for reading. Guess I just needed to vent 😢