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catiebee
Val, I wish there was something any of us could say or do that could ease your pain. I've probably said that before, but it's awful for you to suffer this much. I am so, so sorry this is such a dark, depressing space, and even for how bleak the future feels right now. I hate how brutal both the pre-grief and the grieving are. No wise words to be found. It really is rotten.

You are right. So many of the cancer-causing elements are nearly impossible to avoid. There's no escaping them all, including technology. I'm thinking, too, of what we went through, fighting fleas when I first moved here, the slew of "natural" but unsuccessful and surprisingly harmful, efforts we made. Yet there was no choice; this had to be completely resolved, due to flea allergy. We pet parents face terrible Catch 22s. It's impossible to mitigate against everything. That's hard to accept.

I understand if your emotional pain feels severe enough to do you in and for dearly wanting to escape it. I haven't walked in your shoes. But I have every confidence you will get through this. Not without scars and a broken heart. But you will. 

My heart aches that you're in such a valley of tears. Wishing you every ounce of comfort possible!


Catie
-Missing Marissa deeply
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RileysMom
We have an appointment at 10:00am tomorrow to put her to sleep. I hate myself so much right now. I feel so sick inside.

Obviously there are indications that this is about the time to do it, otherwise I would not have made the appointment. I think I will always wonder if there was ever a way to fix her and will have regrets that no one told us this was a brain tumor. I think they would say so now... I think... But, all this time...

She is a beautiful, beautiful dog. I know that she would die soon no matter what. She is not living a good existence. She sleeps poorly. When she is awake, she walks around every wall in our house, leaning and rubbing her right side on them to give her support. Her right eye is getting hurt because she bangs it into things so much. She only lays down when I lay her down. She eats ravenously, but I have to hold her bowl to keep her from walking into it and knocking it over. I have to help her eat some of her food because she doesn’t seem to be able to see it. She has difficulty maintaining balance to potty. Last night, she tumbled over and did summersaults because she couldn’t find her balance. She fell hard on her chin yesterday when she walked off the couch and I didn’t catch her in time.

She’s been having these little mini type seizures where it’s like she’s trying to reverse sneeze, but her eyes get incredibly large, it’s like she can’t breathe and is choking on her tongue. That started this last Thursday.

My little girl is not right inside. I can’t say she seems to be suffering and in pain. But she’s not right. She looks at me, and makes sounds of contentment that she’s always made. I know she recognizes me to a degree, sometimes more than other times. Her ears will still follow me around. She’s always loved to sleep in the curve of my belly. If I would roll over during the night, she would soon after be up walking to the other side so she could resume her spot. To this day, while she’s not always curled up in the same way, she gets disturbed if I roll away from her and wants to move to the other side too. But I haven’t been able to let her do that because she will fall off on that side. So I stay on my one side all night.

She doesn’t welcome me anymore when I come home. She knows she needs to go outside to potty, but doesn’t know how to get herself there or how to let me know. If I bounce a ball, sometimes she’ll get that same excited look in her eyes and she may follow the ball a bit as it rolls, but she quickly forgets about it and does not play anymore.

She has had a slow demise. So much so, that I never knew if we were heading to an end point. It’s been almost 4 weeks of struggle. I kept hoping it would end, it has in the past. I am going crazy with the weight of all of this. I know that the most of this decision is because of that. I need relief. I can’t believe I am making the call to have a world without Rosy in it. I know it’s the responsible pet owner thing to do. But I question my reasons for doing it. It’s been interfering with my life. I can’t leave her alone, so I don’t do things that need doing. If she would just lay down and sleep most of the time, it would not be so bad. But she doesn’t. She requires constant supervision. I can’t crate her, I tried and she panicked really badly.

She is my best friend. How am I going to live with myself? I don’t want a world without Rosy in it. I don’t feel right about this. But I know that doesn’t mean it isn’t right. Perhaps there isn’t exactly a right and wrong in this case? She doesn’t know what is happening tomorrow, and I am glad for that. But I still have to live with myself for making this choice. I feel so destroyed, you have no idea.
Val
—Loving Riley, Rosy & Axl always 🐾

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RileysMom
By my side since day 1...

Sorry for the ugly foot in the picture
Val
—Loving Riley, Rosy & Axl always 🐾

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catiebee
Your beautiful, beautiful Rosy, your faithful, loving friend. The words "I'm sorry" don't do you and this situation justice at all. I hate it so much.  I feel very sad for all Rosy's decline has put you through and I know you were dearly hoping for more tangible, black and white signs of whether or not and when it would be time.

You have worked sooooo hard to take care of her in every way and on every level humanly possible. Nobody can be with their pup 24/7. And if they could, no one could watch vigilantly and have hands ready to catch and be in position to intervene every instant.  You've turned yourself inside out, trying to keep Rosy safe, yet even with your constantly watchful eye, she is hurting herself or seemingly could do so at any moment. It sure sounds like it could only be a short amount of time before there could be a more significant injury or that her body simply gives out.

My heart hurts, knowing this is out ahead of you and that you are understandably so anguished. Praying for you and caring heaps.
Catie
-Missing Marissa deeply
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MyBella
Dear Val,

I am so, so sorry to read about your Rosy and what you will be going through tomorrow, especially so soon after losing your sweet Riley.
I have asked our little girl, Bella, to join up with Riley and gather all of their friends to welcome your precious Rosy with such warmth and love, as they help guide Rosy on her journey.

Sending our most positive healing thoughts your way, I am so sorry that you are going through this again so soon. Wishing such peace, healing and strength to your heart.

Sincerely, Don & Vera

candleFlame254v1.jpg 
 
 
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Purzel
Val,
 
We are all at your side, holding your hand and having you know you are not alone in this. And as Don and Vera said, there is a gathering on the other side. So dont be afraid as it is nothing else but pure love that lightens the path from here to there.

Silvia (with Max forever in my heart)

[hundi]


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RileysMom
Thank you everyone. It’s done. I started a different thread for Rosy’s death.

I am having a severely difficult time. I feel like I murdered my best friend. Please don’t take that in any way as a reflection of my feelings for others who euthanized their pets, because it’s not. It is solely a reflection of myself. I feel so sick inside that I did this.
Val
—Loving Riley, Rosy & Axl always 🐾

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catiebee
I am so, so sorry for your loss, Val. And for all that this has put you through emotionally. I wish there were better words and that all your friends here could hand you a balm to soothe your tattered heart. You have been in my thoughts and prayers and will continue to be. I hate that you have to walk through this.
Catie
-Missing Marissa deeply
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