Val, I wish there was something any of us could say or do that could ease your pain. I've probably said that before, but it's awful for you to suffer this much. I am so, so sorry this is such a dark, depressing space, and even for how bleak the future feels right now. I hate how brutal both the pre-grief and the grieving are. No wise words to be found. It really is rotten.
You are right. So many of the cancer-causing elements are nearly impossible to avoid. There's no escaping them all, including technology. I'm thinking, too, of what we went through, fighting fleas when I first moved here, the slew of "natural" but unsuccessful and surprisingly harmful, efforts we made. Yet there was no choice; this had to be completely resolved, due to flea allergy. We pet parents face terrible Catch 22s. It's impossible to mitigate against everything. That's hard to accept. I understand if your emotional pain feels severe enough to do you in and for dearly wanting to escape it. I haven't walked in your shoes. But I have every confidence you will get through this. Not without scars and a broken heart. But you will. My heart aches that you're in such a valley of tears. Wishing you every ounce of comfort possible!
-Missing Marissa deeply