It's been a week since I received the news that my Oscar was in pain. I had taken a sample of urine to the vet in the hopes that he had a UTI, which could be fixed. Instead, it had no sign of blood or bacteria, which could only mean one thing: Oscar was hiding out in the basement because he was in pain. This was devastating to hear and sped up the euthanasia timeline. I ended up putting him down the next day.

Now I'm dead inside. I've been in the process of applying for a promotion at work and applying for a new job, and I just can't get my head in the game. I haven't cried since Tuesday, though not for lack of despair. I feel the wave of emotion and then it just dies. It's like I can no longer cry even if I wanted to. It's made work slightly easier as I'm no longer hiding out in the bathroom trying to get in control of myself. But it's also made me a zombie.

My head is foggy today. I feel like I'm sick with something. I went from sobbing so hard that I felt nauseous to just despair and loneliness. I can't look at his pictures still so I still can't post anything here because it hurts too much.
Oscar was but 9. I had not even 4 full years with him. He loved me so much. And I loved him. He is sorely missed.
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Zombie is a good way to put it.  I feel very similar in that I am going through the motions of daily life but my head and heart are somewhere else.

It was similar with Charlie.  I had him to the vet for a check the one day.....hoping that he wasn't eating because of his teeth or an infection that could be cleared up with an antibiotic.  Was unprepared to hear that it was his liver and that he didn't have long.  I brought him home for one last night and then made the decision and took him in the next morning.

Its odd, the things we can and can't do.  I can look at Charlies pictures but I cannot go into the greenhouse.  It was one of his special places and the only one I don't want to look at or go near.  I wish it would just disappear.

Hoping and praying for peace for you and even though your heart is not in it right now, good luck with your application for the promotion and new job.


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Dear Oscarsmomma:

You are not alone.

I understand the feeling of crying so hard that you feel as though you're getting sick. My best friend, Buster, will be gone two weeks tomorrow and I cried so much yesterday that last night I was spent, felt like an undead zombie, and was pretty sure I was coming down with something.

I guess all of this is what gut wrenching grief is. Your love for your Oscar and the peaceful space that he surrounded you with was taken away all too soon. If you're like me, you don't know if anything can fill that empty hole of sorrow with joy again. It's the process of going through the loss, I guess, and even though I know this intellectually, nothing can lessen the pain of not having my/ our beloved companion with us.

We will all get through this together. Knowing that we can share our stories of love; of pain; and of loss will help to pull us through. You were a good mom and Oscar knew how very much you love him. Now and for always.

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Certainly one thing I have gathered from these forums is that it almost doesn't matter how Oscar went; the guilt would be there. I have so much guilt about putting Oscar down "too soon," but I also see all these posts about people feeling guilty they didn't put their loved one down soon enough. I agonize over whether Oscar could have had more life, and quality of life as well. The vet gave me some steroids to help him feel better, but that same day I noticed that Oscar just stared off into space and he wasn't affectionate or purring.

I then felt like I was giving him the steroids for me, not for him. He wasn't afraid of death, had no concept of it. He just wanted to be where I was. He could tell I was upset so came to comfort me even though he would have preferred hiding.

It's that bond, that connection, that makes me not want another pet. If I see a picture of him, it's a reminder that it's all I have left of him. I miss him so much.
Oscar was but 9. I had not even 4 full years with him. He loved me so much. And I loved him. He is sorely missed.
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