BabyJadesMom
My wonderful little girl Baby Jade is gone, somewhat unexpectedly.  In July I noticed a lump on her back leg right where it bends.  We had surgery to remove it, but when the biopsy came back it showed to be a grade II mast cell tumor with dirty margins which means the vet was not able to get the whole tumor. Upon the advise of friends I took her to a highly respected vet and he was confident he could perform another surgery to remove it and would splint the leg so that the stitches would heal correctly.  Wednesday we went in to have the splint removed after 3 wks of wearing it.  The vet that I saw that day was a different one that performed the second surgery as he was on vacation.  The vet said the top 3 stitches had not healed, so she would have to spend the night and she would be restitched under anesthesia and we could pick her up Thursday.  Since I was working my mom picked her up and seemed fine leaving the vets office, but soon went downhill.  She drank a lot of water and threw it up.  She was restless, going from the couch to the floor.  She finally stayed on the floor and began to pant and almost gasp for breath.  She would not get up, so my mom called the vets.  They said she would be fine with some Pepto. 

When I arrived after work to pick her up I immediately called the vet and took her in.  She could not stand up so I left her in the car.  The vet came out to the vet and was very perplexed because her heart and lungs sounded good and she had no temperature.  She was dehydrated, so he suggested taking her in for a chest xray.  He showed me the xray and said the ony thing he could find was that her belly was extremely bloated and that it was pressing on her lungs making it hard for her to breath.  He said she should stay the night as they would give her an IV for dehydration and some other medicine to push any leftover anesthesia and I could pick her up the next day.

8:30 I received the call that changed my life.  The vet said that Jade has passed in the middle of the night.  I was horrified!  I couldnt believe she was gone.  I asked what happened and he said he believed it was a blood clot either from the surgery or from the mast cell tumor itself.  I lost my baby girl on her 6th birthday.  Now, I am so sad and angry.  I've been crying almost non stop and cant even manage to get up a make some coffee.  I'm angry at myself for taking her in for the second surgery, I'm angry at this dam cancer that started all this, and I am angry at the vet that restitched her. 

She was my world.  I got her right after buying my home and we did everything together.  When I would run errands she would stay in the car like a trooper.  She was prone to fevers as some Shar Peis are and I cared for her like she was a baby, because she was my baby.  I cant imagine life without her.  I'm at such a loss and feel so broken.  I just dont know how I'm going to get through this.  I dont really have anybody that I can talk to that would understand how I am feeling.  Can anyone share their experiences as far as getting through the first couple of days?

Thanks!     
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BellesDaddy
I'm so very sorry to hear about Jade. I lost the cat I adored more than life, Belle, one week ago today. She was supposed to coming home from the hospital that day, but an infection went septic and she died on her own. She did have many ailments, and always knew it would happen like this, but it was still a huge blow.

The only way I got through the first week was to let my emotions go. I cried when I felt like it, talked about herto whoever would listen, and watched a ton of video of her. I had major depression, but a little light started to come back when I picked up her urn. I felt like she was home again.

I like you, did everything possible. No decisions had to be made. I do think something could have been done differently for Belle, but even now, I have no idea what it would be. I had no guilt or regret, I just missed her more than I could have ever imagined. For me, having Belle go naturally and accepting that complications happen even with the best medical care, allowed me to focus on missing her without filling my head with second guessing. I think that allowed me to focus on her, her life, and accept the loss without making it about the circumstances.

The best advice I can give is feel how you feel, and don't hold it in.

Jason




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judylinn

I am so so sorry about Jade. how sad for you. But you can't blame yourself. that was one of the things I had to deal alot with, is if I hadn't done this or that, then Maddie might not have gotten sick. etc etc, I can see things I unintentionally did, that might not have been great...but as my counselor said.."You did the best that you could, with the deepest of love"  and so did you. This is going to be a hard time for you. please know that you can come and be here with us as much as you need to. I have been here everynight since Maddie passed, and many nights, I only got through because of the people here, and we will be here for you. I understand tha pain....Maddie was my life. I will keep you in my prayers.  Judy

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BabyJadesMom
Thank you so much for the support.  I loved her so much.  I've had dogs all my life, but the ones that came before Jade we had to humanely euthanize them to end their suffering.  This was unexpected, and in a way feels worse than when you know its going to happen.  I'm so sad that I couldnt be there, with her at the end.  I miss her so much.  I am considering attending a  pet grief support meeting on Thursday.  You mentioned a counselor, did you seek a counselor because of your loss?
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CrazyCatLady
I'm sorry about Jade.  I am now on day 8 without Jack so I know what you're going through.  I didn't know what to do when I first lost him..  I was shocked and then I was too depressed to do anything.  I still miss him terribly, but I know that he is happy now and he is in Heaven probably sitting on my granny's lap.  For me, that realization is the only thing that has kept me going.
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judylinn

I was seeing a counselor before, but absolutely needed help to deal with this. I searched in both towns near me for a pet loss grief support session, but there is nothing here at all. I really needed some help, but this was the only place I could find. I wish there was something here. I really would recommend that you try it. I sure understand you pain.  Judy

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Bearkittysmom
Dear BabyJadesmom,
I completly understand what you are going through. I lost my little Bear Kitty 4 day ago and I can't seem to function. I don't want to get dressed, eat, buy groceries or answer the phone. Everywhere I look I see empty space.
I also have overwhelming guilt. I didn't know my baby was ill.. he seemed fine on saturday when I fed him breakfast, I noticed he didn't eat alot, but he would often return and finish so I went into town to run errands for a few hours and when I returned he didn't greet me and I found him curled up in a corner he never slept in and he appeared to be in pain and was breathing heavy. He died on wednesday of severe renal failure. I feel like I missed something that could have saved him.The vet called and said he was in sudden severe pain so I said he could euthanize him without me so he wouldn't have to suffer anymore.  He died without me with him and I feel like I failed him again.   No one around me understands how I feel. I have had people make some really negative remarks about how soon I should be back to normal and "over it". These comments only add to my anger and my feelings of being alone. The best advice I can offer is take it day by day and nurture yourself the best you can. I'm coping literally moment by moment and that is all I can do. Everyone here understands you and supports you. They all know what we are feeling. Please visit often and share what you are feeling. My prayers are with you.

Cynthia

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BabyJadesMom
First I am sorry for your loss and everyone elses as we are all here for the same reason.  I fortunately have not had any negative remarks made to me about getting over it, but that may come tomorrow when I return to work.  I still have a hard time accepting it.  Here on Wednesday she was fine except for the splint and then suddenly 1 1/2 days later shes gone.  I'll be ok for a while and then all of a sudden break down.  Her pictures are my screensaver on my laptop so I am constantly seeing her face which is comforting, yet makes me miss her more.  I've wakened in the middle of the night the last couple of night and each time I take a sleeping pill as that seems to be the only time I'm crying.  I hope with the support of everyone here I cant get through and hopefully help others as well.
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judylinn

what I have found 6 weeks in, is you just need to let the sobs out as they come. at work it will be hard. maybe go to the bathroom for a minute when they come. We will be here. Judy

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BabyJadesMom
Now I am more angry and perhaps I shouldnt be.  I talked to my sister that said she had talked to my mother who was watching Jade and somewhere between 11-1:30 Jade started going downhill.  When talking to my mother, my sister asked if she had called me and my mother said she wasnt going to call me at work.  She seems to think she is bothering me or getting me in trouble when she calls work.  Anyway, I'm wondering now if I received that call I would've left work immediately and taken Jade back in to the vet office if somehow she could've been saved.  By the time I got there at 3:50 any person could've clearly seen that she was in distress.  I dont want to blame my mother for not calling me at work since she knows how much Jade meant to me, but I am wondering what if...
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judylinn
the what if's....can torture you. it might have changed things, and then again it might not have. I guess you need to release your anger. Blood clots would have been hard to figure out. which ever way it happened, it is agony that comes after losing your baby. I'm sure your mom feels terrible, the truth is, it might not have changed anything...no one really knows..
I have set up my picture of Maddie, and beside it I have fresh yellow flowers with baby's breath. I light a candle for her, and reminds me of the eternal flame of love, that never dies between us and our baby. there is a chord connecting us to tem as they are now angels. my first few days, that candle really helped me. I take Maddie's stuffy to bed everynight.
There are so many stages of grief to go through. It is very hard, when things happen suddenly like that. With Maddie, I knew she was suffering from the cancer, and had to pray for courage to release her from her pain.
Though all our stories are different, the bottom line is the deep love we had for our babies, and the only way through the agony is to feel that pain. coming here every night is the only thing that has gotten me through. We will be here for you too. I'm so sorry, Jade's picture is so sweet. prayers...Judy
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Nelliesmom

I am so so sorry, just lost my girl last a week ago and I am having a difficult time also. My heart goes out to you and my prayers are with you.

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BabyJadesMom
Thanks Judy, that was one of my favorite of my sweetheart.  Well, I've made some progress today as it was the first day I laughed since losing my precious Jade.  It still hurts like hell, but I have some moments when I am ok and then all of sudden the tears come especially the last 2 days at work when friends found out.  It helped me to tell them, but the hugs helped also.  In a bit of irony or whatever you want to call it, my mother went to the emergency room on Sunday afternoon and is now in the hospital for blood clots in her lungs.  Is that weird or what?  Shes doing well and looks really good but on our way to the hospital I was talking to my sister who loved Jade just as much as I did and she was telling me the same thing about thinking of the woulda, coulda, shoulda's.  I was also able to talk to my mother about the events leading up to me finding her distressed when I arrived to pick her up.  Her and my dad both said she was acting better after she had thrown up and only a short time before I arrived was she in the state that I found her in.  Theres no way I could've reached her sooner than I did as I drove right over to get her because it was her birthday.

I really wasnt trying to blame anyone especially my mother because I know she loved her and she knew how much I loved her.  I over analyze everything, probably too much so I'm just trying to figure out what happened.  I also talked with cousin who is a nurse as she was visiting my mother about blood clots and she helped me better to understand them.  I've had a range of emotions the last couple of days with guilt being the biggest for me.  I need to know that I did everything I could do.   My cousin said there will always be questions that you may not have or get answers to.

I called a grief counselor and she told me the best advice is to join a forum such as this as we are the only who can understand what each is going through.  I'm glad I joined as I could've drove myself insane if I didnt have someone to tell these things to.

Judy, your last post made me cry it was so sweet.  I've left the bed on Jades side the way it was with her blankie laying on the right side of the mattress as that was the side she slept on.  When Jade comes home which may be the end of the week I plan on putting her urn on my electric fireplace mantle next my beautiful grandmother who I lost 1 1/2yrs ago which Jade helped me through.  I've also talked to my grandmother and asked her to take care of Jade for me til I get there.  She knew how much I loved Jade also.  I don't know about everyone else, but I believe we will see each and every one of our beloved companions in heaven.
 

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