Billysmummy
Hi
I have been visiting the forum now for a while and to read so many lovely messages from people in the same situation as myself has been very comforting. I have had good friends and family who have been very supportive, but I can't continually share my grief with them anymore.
I lost my Billy, a lovely little Westie two months ago and he was 17 and a half. He passed away at home with me, next to me whilst I was sleeping. I know to some I was lucky and many say it was just his time but his death hit me so hard, and most of it guilt. I never really noticed Billy getting older as even at 16 people were always saying he looks great and I was really proud of him. But during the last 6-8 months of his life he started to really slow down and he had pain from his mouth in addition to the usual arthritis. We took him to the vets and he advised to have his teeth cleaned so we agreed and then a month later he was still in pain so we took him back again and the vet said they didn't do X rays so they needed to do the back teeth again. We had no choice to agree and we took him in again and he had 4 extractions. He was better for a bit but the surgery was hard on him and he still had discomfort in his jaw.
The vet diagnosed him with TMJ and he was on steroids, painkillers, and antibiotics. we were told there was no hope and we stopped the medication as it wasn't really helping. I turned to acupuncture and Billy seemed to enjoy this and some herbal treatments. But he still had some pain and despite regular trips to the vet we were told he was just getting old and it was arthritis in his jaw. I kept saying I think is his teeth again. So finally I demanded some antibiotics to treat a tooth infection and he improved (much to the vets surprise) and he was able to eat properly. But only three weeks after treatment, though he had no pain, he stated to really decline and stopped eating himself. We were hand feeding him when he would eat bits of meat, yogurt and baby food and giving him water, and this chinese herb. I feel now I was keeping him alive for myself but even though he wasn't eating much it was only the last day before his death that he didn't eat at all and wasn't able to walk around himself.
I remember the night he passed away as I just knew that was it and promised to take him to the vets in the morning, my brother and my parents all came over to say goodbye, and the children were all told to give their last hugs. We spoke to him and cuddled him and he seemed to respond to us. I don't know why I didn't stay awake with him but I fell asleep and in the morning he was gone.
Billy meant the world to me and his death hit me so hard, I blamed myself for allowing him to have pain and not questioning the vets and their diagnosis, I blamed myself for not having enough time for him when the children came and working full time. After some time I started to feel better and thought like my husband did that he didn't die young and that he had a good life and that I should focus on his whole life and not just his last few months. I began to smile at memories and agree that yes there were times when I was busy and under pressure but I still cared for him (that dog had the best meals ever and for his whole life has had homecooked meals! he was truly spoilt with his diet).

I started to read about animals in the afterlife and read so many wonderful stories of animals communication and I too felt I had signs from him such as when a beautiful yellow butterfly flew out the waste bin in the kitchen one night and then stayed for a bit with me, and clouds in the shape of a westie in the sky. I decided to contact an animal communicator and I had done my research and felt I had found someone whom I felt some connection to and had good reviews. Unfortunately she was unable to do my reading due to her energy being focused on her pregnancy and she recommended someone.
 
I didn't really have a feel for this person but I was so excited, I so wanted Billy to know that I was sorry I couldn't help his pain sooner and that I loved him so much and I wanted to know he was safe. So I went ahead. It was not what I expected and it has left me feeling cold and unsure.
She told me Billy was very grumpy and loved to moan, and this kind of rang true as I had joked he had become my grumpy old man. She then said he found life with us challenging and he felt he always had to be grateful and happy and he didn't always feel this. I asked him to share his happier memories and what was relayed had little correlation to our life together and nothing made much sense, and part of me is like I must be a fool for believing this but the other part wants to believe why would she lie and not say he was happy if she was making it up? I have contacted her since and she said that Billy was as happy as he allowed himself to be, and just had issues receiving love. She said because he didn't live with me and only with my parents for the first part of his life he wasn't use to affection (i did tell her that he didn't live with us at first, after she asked). My parents cared for him but, yes, they probably didn't hug and cuddle him like me. This made me feel bad that I didn't move him in sooner. He use to come every weekend and when my brother came to collect him he often refused to leave. Finally, we took the plunge and he moved in, as I was worried about him being at home alone in the day whilst I worked. He was happy (or so I thought) and he was my baby until the children came and then we became a family of 5. There were tough times juggling everything and he fell ill a few times as he suffered from arthritis and ear infections. We had to have his inner ear removed it was so bad, this was despite continual antibiotics, and we happily paid the £2,000 for this.
Billy was a part of the family and he just fitted in with our lifestyle. I thought he was content and happy, but now I doubt this and feel maybe I should have done more and cherished him more.  The whole of the chat has just left me feeling uncertain and now I am lost and feel even worse than before.
I just miss him so much and just want to hold him again.
So sorry for the long post.

Love Billy's Mummy
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Charliesmommy
So sorry for your loss.  :(
Its so hard to say goodbye to our babies and after they are gone, we second guess everything.  I guess that's all part of the grieving process.  I look back and wonder if I had done some things a little different if it would have given us more time.  I don't know but like you, I miss my Charlie and just wish I could hold him, hug him, and hear his purr.

Don't worry about writing a long post as it helps to get everything out.  Its a good supportive place here.

hugs,
Tammy
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Katel
Billysmummy,    From what you've said your Billy was a much loved dog, but that communicator has given you doubts which is a shame.    Hold on to the memories of him and beyond the sorrow you will realize he had a very happy life and knew he was much loved, I have no doubt about that.  It's all too easy for us to feel guilt and wonder if we did enough, but when the raw grief has lessened we do
realize that our pets had very good lives and wouldn't have had it any different.
I'm sorry for your pain, and wish you peace.
Blessings

Kate 
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danzey
Billysmummy............You amaze me!!!  I've read what you've gone through with your baby, and yet I see you posting all over here trying to comfort others (your a better person then I).  As far as what that "animal communicator" said to you...........I believe no one knows Billy better than you.  Do we really think we'll find out something we didn't already know, or is it we just want someone to confirm what we already know and believe.  Billy (and all our babies) will tell "us" what they want us to know (through their behavior) not some stranger.  Did Billy cuddle with you, sit with you, lick you, run to you, do silly things that made you laugh, jump with excitement at seeing you?  You know he did.  And two months ago he was right there next to you, it doesn't get any better then that for Billy.  Put yourself in his place who would you want next to you?  You love Billy and Billy loves you; that's all you really need to know...........danzey
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Billysmummy
Thank you for taking the time to both reply and read my very long post. I am lucky enough to have the support of good friends and family, but it has helped immensely to write everything down. The waves of sadness come and go and I wish I hadn't spoken to the animal communicator. She didn't really know billy or me and his life with his family and the love he had for us.
Thank you again and it's lovely to find people who understand the immense loss and share similar feelings.
Much love
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Mistysmama
I am so sorry, Billysmummy. The loss is so hard, I know. It doesn't matter how old they are or how much of a full life they have led....we all miss them so much when they have gone. Just because we love them.

Katel and Danzey say some good sensible things which are true.

I agree with what Danzey says. You and Billy are bonded in the Heart, and no matter what anyone else may 'see' no-one can truly see or understand your soul bond but the two of you. It's between you and Billy.

I have had the blessing to be able to have some communication with my girl Misty since she passed. And let me tell you, her love was magnified X 3. She was released of all the physical problems which led to the death of her body, and set free. Her love for me stuck by me and Billy's love for you sticks by you too.

Life on this Earth is never completely perfect for any of us, even our beloved dogs. It can't be...that's the nature of life on Earth. But when they pass over they don't see all those imperfections any more. They do not criticise. They do not hold any grievances or dissatisfaction. They are even more in unconditional love than they were when they lived in their bodies! My girl showed me these things and I have been very blessed, and know she wouldn't mind my sharing that with others.

So please don't let this upset you. Billy loves you very much and will wait for you and it will be a happy reunion.
Hold the love like a little light. It is all you have, or will ever have, to find your way home.

Misty's Blog..a Dogfight with Cancer http://www.mistysblog69.blogspot.co.uk

Misty's life after death: http://www.dog2spirit.com
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MurphysMom_0831
Billysmummy wrote:
Hi
I have been visiting the forum now for a while and to read so many lovely messages from people in the same situation as myself has been very comforting. I have had good friends and family who have been very supportive, but I can't continually share my grief with them anymore.
I lost my Billy, a lovely little Westie two months ago and he was 17 and a half. He passed away at home with me, next to me whilst I was sleeping. I know to some I was lucky and many say it was just his time but his death hit me so hard, and most of it guilt. I never really noticed Billy getting older as even at 16 people were always saying he looks great and I was really proud of him. But during the last 6-8 months of his life he started to really slow down and he had pain from his mouth in addition to the usual arthritis. We took him to the vets and he advised to have his teeth cleaned so we agreed and then a month later he was still in pain so we took him back again and the vet said they didn't do X rays so they needed to do the back teeth again. We had no choice to agree and we took him in again and he had 4 extractions. He was better for a bit but the surgery was hard on him and he still had discomfort in his jaw.
The vet diagnosed him with TMJ and he was on steroids, painkillers, and antibiotics. we were told there was no hope and we stopped the medication as it wasn't really helping. I turned to acupuncture and Billy seemed to enjoy this and some herbal treatments. But he still had some pain and despite regular trips to the vet we were told he was just getting old and it was arthritis in his jaw. I kept saying I think is his teeth again. So finally I demanded some antibiotics to treat a tooth infection and he improved (much to the vets surprise) and he was able to eat properly. But only three weeks after treatment, though he had no pain, he stated to really decline and stopped eating himself. We were hand feeding him when he would eat bits of meat, yogurt and baby food and giving him water, and this chinese herb. I feel now I was keeping him alive for myself but even though he wasn't eating much it was only the last day before his death that he didn't eat at all and wasn't able to walk around himself.
I remember the night he passed away as I just knew that was it and promised to take him to the vets in the morning, my brother and my parents all came over to say goodbye, and the children were all told to give their last hugs. We spoke to him and cuddled him and he seemed to respond to us. I don't know why I didn't stay awake with him but I fell asleep and in the morning he was gone.
Billy meant the world to me and his death hit me so hard, I blamed myself for allowing him to have pain and not questioning the vets and their diagnosis, I blamed myself for not having enough time for him when the children came and working full time. After some time I started to feel better and thought like my husband did that he didn't die young and that he had a good life and that I should focus on his whole life and not just his last few months. I began to smile at memories and agree that yes there were times when I was busy and under pressure but I still cared for him (that dog had the best meals ever and for his whole life has had homecooked meals! he was truly spoilt with his diet).

I started to read about animals in the afterlife and read so many wonderful stories of animals communication and I too felt I had signs from him such as when a beautiful yellow butterfly flew out the waste bin in the kitchen one night and then stayed for a bit with me, and clouds in the shape of a westie in the sky. I decided to contact an animal communicator and I had done my research and felt I had found someone whom I felt some connection to and had good reviews. Unfortunately she was unable to do my reading due to her energy being focused on her pregnancy and she recommended someone.
 
I didn't really have a feel for this person but I was so excited, I so wanted Billy to know that I was sorry I couldn't help his pain sooner and that I loved him so much and I wanted to know he was safe. So I went ahead. It was not what I expected and it has left me feeling cold and unsure.
She told me Billy was very grumpy and loved to moan, and this kind of rang true as I had joked he had become my grumpy old man. She then said he found life with us challenging and he felt he always had to be grateful and happy and he didn't always feel this. I asked him to share his happier memories and what was relayed had little correlation to our life together and nothing made much sense, and part of me is like I must be a fool for believing this but the other part wants to believe why would she lie and not say he was happy if she was making it up? I have contacted her since and she said that Billy was as happy as he allowed himself to be, and just had issues receiving love. She said because he didn't live with me and only with my parents for the first part of his life he wasn't use to affection (i did tell her that he didn't live with us at first, after she asked). My parents cared for him but, yes, they probably didn't hug and cuddle him like me. This made me feel bad that I didn't move him in sooner. He use to come every weekend and when my brother came to collect him he often refused to leave. Finally, we took the plunge and he moved in, as I was worried about him being at home alone in the day whilst I worked. He was happy (or so I thought) and he was my baby until the children came and then we became a family of 5. There were tough times juggling everything and he fell ill a few times as he suffered from arthritis and ear infections. We had to have his inner ear removed it was so bad, this was despite continual antibiotics, and we happily paid the £2,000 for this.
Billy was a part of the family and he just fitted in with our lifestyle. I thought he was content and happy, but now I doubt this and feel maybe I should have done more and cherished him more.  The whole of the chat has just left me feeling uncertain and now I am lost and feel even worse than before.
I just miss him so much and just want to hold him again.
So sorry for the long post.

Love Billy's Mummy


I'm so sorry for your loss of Billy. Please remember that in spite of what this communicator told you, Billy loved you unconditionally. That's what our furbabies do. They don't know anything different but complete love and adoration for us. As Danzey said, you know Billy better than anyone. If he appeared happy to you then he certainly was. I'm very sorry that person said what to me are very unkind things about which she knew and knows little. Maybe she WAS lying/faking, out for money, who knows? The fact is unconditional love. Sure there are tough times for all of us when we might look back and think there was more we could have done, things we missed, etc. However, our furbabies do not look at it that way. They know they are loved, given the care they need, and are truly a part of our family, not just "pets." If you felt he was content and happy, no doubt he was. You would have known if he wasn't, you're his Momma. You did cherish him as is obvious by what you've written. He would never have asked for more. Forgive me for saying so but I could smack that woman! For her to say "he felt he always had to be grateful and happy and he didn't always feel this" just sounds too absurd and downright hateful. If she was the real deal she would have known you came to her to connect for comfort, not unkind and upsetting words. Animals who aren't happy or content certainly show it. Billy obviously did not give you any indication of that so it simply wasn't true.

I don't know if you live in the US but if so, there's a wonderful TV show Sunday nights on the channel TLC called "The Long Island Medium." I watch her faithfully, fully believe in her gift, and just recently saw an episode in which she stated she connects with both humans and animals. She gave a message from a Great Dane who had passed to his bereft human. She said our furbabies want us to remember them happy and healthy and full of love for us. I firmly believe that is true. I hope you can come to the realization that Billy was full of nothing but love and happiness at being in your family in spite of what you were told. Again, I'm so very sorry for his loss.

Blessings,
Murphy's Mom (Kathryn)
"Sometimes there is a dog who is so special, he is able to wrap himself so completely around your heart it is impossible to tell where you begin and he ends."  For My Beloved Murphy, 08/31/2004 - 06/18/2014


http://rainbowsbridge.com/residents/MURPH121/Resident.htm


http://s327.photobucket.com/user/kathrynbrown1626/library/?sort=6&page=1
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Billysmummy
Thank you mistymama and murphysmom, a part of me knows she wasn't sincere but because of the pain he was in his last few months, he was unsettled and no longer his normal self. So her words made me feel uncertain and I felt guilt for all the times I didn't walk him or was to busy for cuddles. He had slowed down so much and no longer wagged his tail wildly. But he still came to greet at the door, if he knew you were home, and would nudge your leg to show his love. I know deep down, before age caught up with him, he was happy and fought hard to stay with us. I remember on walks if he was ahead with my husband he would always refuse to walk until I caught up. Also, I know he loved us as he lived for his walks and, yet even if another friend he knew well or family member other than my husband or brother tried to take him out, he would just walk straight back in the house! He wouldn't go unless we went too (most annoying!! Lol)
I guess like everyone I just miss him so
Much and wish I could hold him again and change everything. There are so many things I want to say to him.
Murphysmom I don't live in the us, but I have heard of the show. I still want to believe and pray that he is happy and safe, and knows how much I truly loved him.
Thanks all x
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Bellamum
Hi Billy's Mummy,
I am so sorry that you have had to say goodbye to your sweet boy, Billy.  I know how overwhelming the heartache is.  Our beautiful babies just wriggle their way into our hearts and steal them so completely and when they have to leave we feel like it is not possible for us to go on.
I read your first post through tears...tears for your loss and then more tears for the hurt that the animal communicator has caused you.  I agree with all that has been said by Danzey, Katel and Murphy's mom.  Billy was your baby and you knew everything about him.  Deep in your heart you know how loved and adored Billy felt.  He would not want you to doubt that. Like you, I have questioned whether my Bella knew how much I adored her.  I really know she did, but after we lose them we just want confirmation from them.  This would be so much easier to cope with if they could just let us know that they are happy and that they know how much we love and miss them.
I also remind myself regularly that Bella's life with me should not be measured or remembered by the last moments when she was ill and not her usual self.  Her life was full of many, many moments of pure love and joy before she became sick and that is what I try to focus on.  As you said in your last post, Billy was not the same in his last few months. It is unfortunate that they are the freshest memories that we are left with, but we need to try really hard to remember those times, but not let them overshadow the happier, healthy times with our Billy and Bella.

You can still say all of those things that you want to say to Billy....I still talk out loud to Bella every day and I don't care if people think it is silly.  I also often write letters to her on this forum and I find that helps me cope with my rollercoaster of emotions and it gives me a opportunity to pay tribute to her and let others know just how sweet and precious she was.  This forum is great...the people are so kind and supportive and they understand.  They are prepared to read all about our dearly loved babies and comment on them.  That helps to make me smile again when it is so hard to find things to make me smile at the moment.

I wish you peace and healing.
Karen
(Bella, Charli and Buddy's very lucky mum)

My gorgeous girl, Bella  26/07/2004 - 03/04/2014
"You were once by our side, but you will be forever in our hearts. Until we meet again baby girl."
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Billysmummy
Thank you Bellamum. It's not silly I still call fit Billy in the house and tell him it's time for bed. I also have during some particularly hard days written to him and then burn them for him. The very first letter, was a week after he passed and I begged him to come home and let me know he was safe. That evening a beautiful butterfly/ moth (I never know the difference) appeared in the kitchen and just sat there watching us. It stayed there for three days until it passed away. I like to believe it was Billy just making sure we were okay and responding to my letter. X
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