Further tests revealed that he had several growths on his lung & heart.  My own heart dropped.  They told me they had never seen anything presented in this way and in order to decide what was wrong, they needed to do more tests to the tune of $7,000.  I would have gave the OK if they had given me any hope, but they said once they found out what it was it may or may not be treatable and if it was, it would require intense, expensive treatment.

I went there this morning and decided to take him home so I can spend some more time with him in a warm environment.  He looked very very bad.  I had a vet come at 1PM to euthanize Coony, and I can't remember when I sobbed so violently.  I loved this cat so much over all others and I expected to live more than 9 years with him.  But, he's gone and the truth is I want to be gone to.  I've been self-medicating to numb the pain so have been sleeping a lot and when I awake I think it's just a nightmare - but it isn't.

I've been through this before, but never felt this way before.  I don't know how to make it through this.  I've heard all the standard cliches, and I don't want to hear them.  I so much wanted to just go with him rather than suffer the way I'm suffering now.  I'm finding it hard to breathe.

Coony was the most beautiful angel that was sent to me and we bonded like nothing else.  Help me.
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I am so sorry for your loss. Your pain is evident in your post and it is an all too familiar feeling to us here in the forum.
I am reaching out to tell you that as agonizing as your sorrow is right now it won't always be this difficult. No clichés here. Nobody was in worse shape than me nearly 18 weeks ago now when we had to euthanize our tiny toy poodle who was 12.
I found this forum and thankfully found other people who understood my despair and who shared the intensity of my grief.
Your loss is new and emotions are raw. I am thinking there is some degree of shock. You must mourn your loss. All the feelings you describe are normal. If you have read other threads you will realize that.
This grief journey is difficult and it is long. Know, though, that it changes shape. Feelings of panic, desperation, inability to focus change into sadness and loneliness. Life is bearable now as I struggle to adapt to our new reality.
Cry, scream, be angry, do whatever you must to mourn Coony's death. Every tear you shed releases a tiny bit of pain that you are carrying in your broken heart.
Thinking of you today.
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I can only thank you for your compassionate reply.

You see, I've gone through this before - the loss of a cat. My first cat lived to be 17 yo and I thought of him as my soulmate cat.  When I lost him, I had to be hospitalized for just a few days because I was so depressed.  But, with time I learned all the things that you told me.  It gets easier and you learn to live with it.

Coony was my 2nd cat soulmate and the most beautiful, loving, gentle, bit Maine Coon I've ever had.  We talked to each other. There was that something very special between us that doesn't exist with all pets.  My only hope was to have him for at least 7 more years (he was only 9).

I'm also older now, and I lost my brother a few months ago.  I was stressed out then; but this is even harder.  I also have another cat, a Ragdoll, who I love but he's neurotic and we don't have the same kind of bond. 

I have cried, screamed, drugged myself to sleep; now I'm groggy and numb. I'm also a cat-sitter and have 2 visit 3 cats today.  I don't want to but I have to.  I always talked to everyone about Coony and sent them daily pictures.  Anyone who has met Coony fell in love with him, even the hospital staff.

Everything you say is true.  I just can't see my way out right now.  I loved him SO much as you already know.
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