Davey_Boy
I lost my cat Ragdoll or "Rags" as I would sometimes call her on Halloween morning. It felt like someone ripped my heart out. I still feel such guilt. She was having breathing problems and the vet couldn't figure out why. Kept giving me antibiotics that were not working. I was about to take her to a new vet but she died. I still feel guilt, like I should have done more. I had that cat for so long. I still think I see her in the corner of my eye as I walk through my place. I'm just expecting her to be there. She was probably suffering more than I knew and nobody could tell me why. Just that her white blood cell count was high. I just feel so bad about her having to die like that. I didn't even have a chance to put her to sleep and end her suffering. 

I just feel like I'm an evil, uncaring person because I just let her die like that. Of course a lot of people around me don't understand. They think "It's just a cat, you can get a new one." To me that's the equivalent of "It's just a family member, you can get a new one." I just feel horrible, like I deserve to suffer now. 
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Dalidog
Don't let anyone tell you its "just a cat".  The unconditional love and your bond with your baby are much more than that.  Guilt is a part of grief and we have/are all experiences it.  Grief for your baby, take your time, talk to her, cry, do whatever you have to.  The unconditional love is worth the grief we all feel.  Take care of yourself and know you will see your baby at the bridge one day!

Dali, as much a daughter as any human...  pure love
Until we meet again

http://rainbowsbridge.com/residents/DALI003/Resident.htm

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Davey_Boy
Thank you for your words.

I think what set me back on the recovery process was someone I was talking to who recently lost his dog. The dog had lung cancer and he had to be put down. Now I don't know if my cat had lung cancer, she was having breathing and coughing problems, but the vet told him it was a horrible way for a pet to die. The suffering is really bad which is why he made the decision to euthanize his dog. With my cat the vet suspected it might be cancer, not necessarily lung, it could have been lymphoma but I just hate to think she suffered so when I could have maybe euthanized her during her last vet visit. The vet never suggested euthanizing but hearing the story of lung cancer and the suffering just riled a bunch of despair and anxiety. I didn't want her to suffer and it terrifies and tortures me that she may have suffered a lot.

Anyway, here is a pic of her. I miss you Rags.
rags2.jpg
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Gertie
I am so very sorry for your loss. I too lost my 11 year old kitty Myles last year. He had a cough and breathing problems. My vet decided to put him on prednisone over the phone as he had asthma. He was not getting better so I brought him in 3 days later, he had to be put to sleep. He had congestive heart failure. The meds she put him on made things worse. So I do understand how you feel. My little guy deserved better. Grief has many stages, guilt, is one of them. Please don't blame yourself. You loved your kitty, that love lives on. Try to remember the wonderful life she had with you, she was beautiful. You are in my thoughts.

Hug's to you,

Duncan & Myles Mom
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kittyless
Davey-Boy,
you are NOT an evil person.
You loved your cat. 
Your Rags is a beautiful baby.
You do NOT deserve to suffer. 
I know what you mean, I feel guilty too. Did I wait too long to have my cat put down, or not long enough? 
I torture myself with this.
I didn't want her to suffer, but I also didn't want to say good-bye any sooner than I had to.
Why was I so torn?
Because I loved her so much.
Just like you loved your baby so much. So no one that loves their animal can be evil, nor can they deserve to suffer. You did the best you could.
Just like I did. I don't know, I'll never know if the time was "right".
I did the best I could with love of my baby uppermost in my mind, as you did.

I know we do suffer. Because we love, we suffer their loss.
But, please, also give yourself permission - when the time comes - to be able to heal.

I think as others have said, that the loss lasts forever, but the suffering does not.

my best to you,
ellen
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Davey_Boy
Thank you for the kind words Ellen and Gertie. It's been awhile since I replied to this, but I'm still angry at myself for how it went down and how she died. Some days I'm okay but it still sneaks into my head on others. Family and friends think I should adopt a new cat but to be honest I'm not ready for that yet. I feel like I would be betraying her and I know that's not true but it still just feels that way and I can't help it. This is not the first pet I lost but the pain never gets easier and this one feels worse because of the way it happened. I'm hoping with some more time the guilt won't feel as raw. I had her for 16 years so this process is probably going to take awhile. I'm trying to come to terms with the understanding of what happened has happened and it can't be changed now. It's not going to be easy but I hope I can get there.

-David
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Gertie
This is a very difficult time for you. Just maybe give some thought to adopting a kitty, not to replace your baby but to honor her, she would wan't you to be happy. You can foster to see how you feel. Please write again and let me know how you are doing. Sending hug's your way,

Gertie.
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Dalidog
Your Rags is so beautiful!  We all have the guilt, and most feel they didn't do enough.  I know I feel like I let my Dali down.  I will be okay for a while and then it goes over and over in my head what happened.  But we can't change things and we need to remember all the good years and memories.  Our pets love us unconditionally and they  are still with us, just not hurting now.  You will know if/when the time is right to get another kitty.  I understand that betrayal feeling.  I feel like I would be betraying my Dali if I were to get another dog and I know I never will.  I don't think I could love another one like that and it wouldn't be fair to another dog or to me.  You don't get another child when yours dies, you grief forever and learn to live a different existence.  That is what I am doing.  I hope you are doing okay..  Hugs

Dali, as much a daughter as any human...  pure love
Until we meet again

http://rainbowsbridge.com/residents/DALI003/Resident.htm

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Kitty2
Davey boy, just remember you gave this cat 16 years of a wonderful life.  We all have feelings of guilt and second guess ourselves.  But in the end you must remember that it was you who gave that cat a full and happy life.
Til we meet again.
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