chilover
Hi..

It has been almost 4 months since my little Daisy passed and although the grief has been like a rollercoaster this past week has been so bad that I feel scared that I won't be able to get through it. Despite understanding grief to a certain extent - some days being better than others, the guilt, the too soon & too late thoughts on euthanasia, the trauma of the last moments etc, I have lately felt so swamped by it all and I am sinking...I have to be honest, I feel very scared! I know that people say 'in time things get easier', but i think that I am going to be one of those people who never recovers...When my Daisy first passed I ended up in hospital for a little while & i was wandering around the city because I couldn't face coming back to my empty home. Within these past 4 months i have been out every day trying to keep busy 'although not trying to ignore what had happened' i have a dog scrapbook, read a lovely book called 'Goodbye pet and see you in heaven' and called a pet loss helpline, I have also recently been going to a beautiful old church just to sit and think.  I am not religious, but this church is huge, more like a cathedral and has the most wonderful aura. It's a catholic church and the most beautiful and grandest one that i have ever seen. I feel safe there and I don't know whether i think i will get signs, answers, guidance but I just go to cry in peace..I am obsessed with my baby Daisy and am pinning to a degree that i cannot handle. I lived alone with her for many years, we were a team just the two of us and now I feel insecure, scared and  very worried that i won't be able to ever move forwards from this. I have taken such a huge slump and when i go out and there is no one around i cry and keep repeating her name over and over and over as though she will come back to me. I am crying so much right now whilst I type this. I keep pinning and saying- i want her back, I want her back and then i will correct myself and say 'i can't because she was poorly and i wouldn't want her to suffer'.  I really feel like i am loosing the plot and now I am beginning to think that i deserve it and that I am being punished for something. I miss kissing her face and seeing her toss her blanket up in the air.  Now every day is exactly the same, the same routine since I received her ashes - I come home and break down as I say hello to her and kiss the box containing her ashes. 

Please could someone help with any advice, anything.
I feel very alone.


Daisy's mummy 

Angelina

   
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laudirandell
Angelina,

I can so relate to what you are feeling. I have so much guilt that I don't even know what to do or how I will move forward. My boyfriend is so supportive but it doesn't take the pain away. I have done the same as yo, crying in agony and screaming I want her back. I have never felt such grief, regret and guilt in my entire life. Do you have close family or friends around?

laudi
laudi
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Memories_of_Marmalade


Dear Angelina,

I am so sorry for the overwhelming grief that you are still feeling. It is so palpable in your words.

As many have read here I was an atheistic or agnostic for over 54 years. I think you may have read what I experienced but it is worth recapping as others may not have. 

I thought "believers" were ignorant, superstitious and square. I felt disconnected to all religions and faith and to what is called "God." That was until my cat I named Marmalade was almost killed by an accident in 2016. He was injured and I thought for sure he was going to die, and I immediately dropped to my knees in our gravel driveway in complete and utter desperation and made a deal with God right there and then. For some reason Marmalade and I were showed great mercy. Then we were shown mercy again and again and again and again repeatedly. At times on a level that left strangers who witnessed what we were experiencing baffled and jaw-dropped. 

What has helped me to survive and recover in many ways is my new faith. Each time I feel sad, depressed, grief-stricken, guilty, remorseful or regretful, when I think of Marmalade, I try and gently feel humbled and quietly grateful instead. I express within how I feel so blessed, that I ever crossed paths with my Marmalade in the first place, how I was given the opportunity to get to know him, and to love him and to miraculously be loved by him in return. Just that feeling of being humbled and grateful and asking for mercy is incredibly healing. I can't explain it. It feels divine in many ways. As if a benevolent spirit is helping me. This benevolent spirit WILL help you, if you only ask. That is what you are sensing when you are sitting in church. What is called as you know - "The Holy Spirit."

I am not a "Holy roller." I know how organized religion is a farce in many ways and has lead to horrible blood-shed and carnage over the centuries. I do not expect to live eternally, to be eventually rewarded for trying to be a good person, on the contrary, I am very grateful and feel blessed for what I have already received. And I believe the Earth is already a paradise. I don't want or expect more.

I do not know if there is a "Rainbow Bridge." But again, I am already grateful for ever encountering my Marmalade and the 4 1/2 years we knew one another. If there is one? Oh my goodness, I would be so, so happy to see my boy again. But I do not know if there is. I have to be grateful for what was once. For the time that he and I were allotted.

The deep pain and grief that you feel now over losing your Daisy, equals the great love that your beloved Daisy experienced when she was with you. So how incredible was your love to experience for her? The truth was it was heavenly. It was divine.

At one point I was so, so down when my boy departed that I also could not shake those feelings of grief, remorse and regret. And I realized that once again, I might take my own life, I was so, so despondent as I posted here on the forum. So I did go to a mental health ER and obtained a prescription for antidepressants and took them for several weeks and I will be returning to them. It truly made a world of difference to my feelings, emotions and life, if you have not taken them before. 

You are in my thoughts this evening and will be in my prayers tonight. You are NOT alone. We are with you in spirit and comradeship during these very difficult times.

Hugs,
James
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chilover
laudi.

Thankyou so very much for your kind words and I and I am so sorry to hear of your loss too.

I am glad to hear that your boyfriend is being supportive, it does give us comfort when we so desperately need it but you are right in saying that it dosen't take the pain away. Have you phoned any pet loss helplines? They are a godsend. Regarding my family and friends? I only have my mum and sister to talk to as I feel a burden to my friends and even my mum and sister too,  I just feel like I will be depressing to them. I live alone so I can't talk or cry to anyone about my dog. My biggest support network has been the pet loss helpline - talking is good and it is what I need..

I hope that you have a decent support network.

Sending you comfort and a hug

Angelina   
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Gucci
laudi and Angelina - I'm so glad you've found this forum, as it IS a place where you needn't feel you're 'burdening' anyone with your grief.

It's true that others, even family members, may find it difficult to understand how devastated and helpless we feel without our beloved companions with us anymore. 

The worst thing to do is bottle the emotions up. Angelina, I'm glad you have the helpline; laudi, keep coming to the forum. We support you and know what it's like to have to walk this path that is so, so hard. 

Sending peaceful thoughts for you both.
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chilover
Hi James.

Thankyou so very much for your kind words, they mean so much to me.


 I'm so very low and cannot stop crying. I feel sorry for the person who has to sit beside me on the train at xmas incase i can't stop as it will be my 1st trip without her!

I am so happy that you and your Marmalade were shown mercy all of those times as I know how special you were to each other, your story and relationship with him is just beautiful. A true gentleman of a cat to protect his girlfriend 'Star'!

Tomorrow the '2nd' marks my Daisy's 4 month anniversary and I have lit a candle every month since she passed, but this time I will thank god for bringing her to me and for giving us many wonderful years together.  Thankyou for the advice regarding this - I usually talk to Daisy quietly after lighting a candle but from now on I will also ask him for help and thank him. I have always been drawn to the native american philosophy in some ways. 

Once as I was leaving a church, I opened the door which was in the basement next to some steps, and right by the steps in front of the door was a wooden garden bench with the words 'DAISY'S GARDEN'! i felt a little uplifted seeing it and quite astounded!

About a month ago I was asked to help an animal charity who have helped my Daisy for so many years.  It involved a TV appearance. I was thinking,  maybe she is living through me, her light is shining through me, so to speak, and agreeing to help would be raising lots of money for all her little brothers and sisters out there and raising lots of awareness. I will post this story in detail soon. 


Ps - I do like the sound of kid, how you described him as having a moustache like Charlie Chaplin.

Thankyou again so much james, you are a wonderful human being.


Angelina.  
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Memories_of_Marmalade


Dear Angelina,

Thank you for your response, I am so grateful that any of my words may have comforted you in some way.

I do believe the "Daisy's Garden" was synchronicity and a sign. I experience baffling cases of synchronicity that are far beyond confidence. One of my business partners said awhile back while smiling and laughing because he could not believe what he saw: "You and God."

We live in a vast, wondrous, mystical Universe where anything is possible. Our beloved's were otherworldly when you think about it. The incredible love they shared with us. 

KID has turned out to be such a bright spot in my life. As I've written, I will be feeling very blue and look over to see him do something completely bizarre and humorous. It is almost like he knows that he is supposed to try and cheer me up with his silly antics. I am blessed.

I bought some electric candles at the local 99 cents store to place around the memorial I am going to display for Marmalade. I am going to turn them on each night around his ashes, plaster cast paw prints and framed pictures of him. 

Hugs,
James


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yellowgiraffe
Angelina,

I can relate to your experience on many levels. I got my collie Ben as a puppy and lived with him alone for almost six years until a man became part of our household. So Ben was very much MY dog all along (he didn't live to be seven), which is different from a family pet who is under shared responsibilities and affection. I cried six weeks straight each day after his passing, and sadness took a toll on my health. I had to make a conscious effort to get out and stay active, which I found somewhat helpful - that's when I spot kindred spirits. I think if you seek you will find. I would definitely advise you to participate in activities that you would enjoy and surround yourself with people who brighten your day. 

Like you, I have no religion to turn to, which is okay. Don't feel lonely not having anyone to talk to either. It's such an internal process that nobody else could help you much really. I had my partner, mother and friends to talk to but at the end of the day it was still me who had to manage all those sharp emotions. I do hope you have shoulders to cry on though, if you must cry.   

I think guilty feeling is very normal. Even though Ben passed naturally at home, I wondered from time to time whether performing CPR would resuscitate him, not that I knew how to, and I regret that I didn't hold his paw when he was departing this earth because I was in sheer panic (happened so suddenly). I can go on and on - possible earlier detection of cancer, harmful environment that I made him exposed to, etc. It seems that you had your dog for a long time, which is a blessing, and I'm envious... Treasure those days and years that not everyone gets to have. 

I don't want you to think you'll never recover. You will if you want to. I want you to.  

Wishes,

Mir
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