Hello everyone. I am new here. My name is Jason. I’m 37 and just lost my cat of 17 years named Rachel on May 26. I have so much to say about her and the situation, I’m trying not to make this too long. She’s been with me for most of my adulthood and it’s always just been me and her, which I think probably makes the pain a bit worse. It just doesn’t seem right. Now I’m here at my house alone. I haven’t had the heart to move her food or water bowl yet. I have crying spells off and on.
What started out as a routine vet visit a few weeks ago for drooling turned into a terminal diagnosis of cancer of the mouth, which covered the entire tongue and was said to be inoperable. From there, it was “kitty hospice”. This was Saturday the 23rd. She had already lost 2 pounds, and clearly was having issues eating/drinking. Often she would stare at her food and water almost as if to wonder if it was worth it. I don’t know if she just lost function of her tongue or if it was pain..but whatever it was, the cancer was keeping her from eating and drinking like she wanted. I knew our time was coming to an end together and I spent the weekend preparing.
I could have extended it out a few more days or even weeks I’m sure. She was on a “human food” diet of anything she would actually eat. It had to be good if she were going to engage in eating. I took plenty of pictures and videos over the weekend, as I always do. The time and preparation obviously didn’t prepare me that much as I was miserable all weekend and it only got worse after the fact. The process of putting her down did not go as I imagined in my head either, but I wasn’t really sure what to expect.
The whole covid thing made it so much worse as masks were required and crying in a mask isn’t easy. They had problems with the IV; apparently she put up a good fight and was pretty angry which makes me feel terribly guilty. I can only imagine what was going through her head at that moment. I can only hope she assumed she was going through another test, before she were to go home, and given she was a spoiled brat (lol), she was expressing her unwillingness to participate. I can only hope she wasn’t imagining it was the end. I’m sure if they were wearing masks, which they likely were, it didn’t help.
They came back to us and asked if they could use sedation to help the process, to which I obviously agreed. After waiting for what felt like an eternity, they brought her back, and that’s what traumatized me even more than I could ever imagine. Her eyes were open for the most part, or at least one of them, her tongue was sticking out, and she just looked so helpless and uncomfortable. I almost wanted to tell them never mind, I would just take her home.
She actually ‘pawed’ at me once, and began making this growing/moaning noise. The vet said initially she was snoring a little bit but it didn’t really sound like snoring to me especially given by this time, her eyes were wide open but she wasn’t really moving them around. I stuck it out until the end though, and that was that. I pick up her ashes on Tuesday. The guilt keeps me up at night and the loneliness, emptiness, and anger over the situation occupies my mind during the day. Honestly, this is the first time in a long time that death would seem like a relief.
Moving on with life makes me feel guilty. I loved her and she worshipped the ground I walked on. In an odd twist, she was fairly popular on Youtube because of her antics. She meowed a lot and was overly vocal. Anyone who ever spoke to me on the phone or came over to my house found this out firsthand. I published a lot of youtube videos of her after the first one become very popular, and it even led to her own Facebook. I have plenty of photos of her with her mouth open in ‘mid meow’.
So you can say I share the grief with others in that sense, but here at my house, it’s only me. I’m devastated.
If you are curious, just google or search youtube for “Rachel the Bombay cat” and you will get to meet her.
This situation renews hope the Rainbow Bridge is real; that we will one day meet again. Right now I just wish I was with her.