Hi, All. I had to put my baby to sleep today, and I’m so consumed with grief. My dog, Beowulf, was a bullmastiff mix that I adopted 6 years ago from the humane society at around 3 years old. He’s had numerous health issues including glaucoma which required both eyes to be removed—just 6 weeks ago!!

I noticed he was acting off about a week ago and continued to decline. I thought it was simply a normal cold, but he stopped eating, wouldn’t go outside, and his breathing alternate between labored and rapid. On Sunday I realized all his symptoms were signs of congestive heart failure so I rushed him to our vet who confirmed he had pulmonary edema and his belly was starting to swell. Beowulf was given a shot to draw the fluid from his lungs, and we followed up with the vet for a full work up yesterday.

Even before the vet called me with the results, I knew he was in the very end stages of heart failure due to reading about the condition online. The X-rays showed a tumor in his chest and his abdomen. His breathing had appeared to get better after having a steroid shot, but he still wouldn’t eat...I even baked him a cake to tempt him. I know he’d given up and was ready to pass away

I know putting him to sleep so he wouldn’t suffer anymore was the right decision, but I feel broken and lost without him. I held him the entire time and couldn’t stop petting his head or watching his chest as if he was going to suddenly start breathing again.

I never imagined loving a pet so much that I’d be completely broken inside without him. I still need him here with me. I look around the house having flashbacks from times where I see him doing normal daily things like how he’d lay on his bed. It still feels surreal, and I want to believe this is just a dream even though I know it’s not. I’m in so much pain over losing him that I feel as if I’m drowning in my own inescapable grief. I want to scream and wail my grief. I don’t know how to cope with losing him, and the pain is unbearable.

And I keep going back to all the times when he’d come to me for attention and affection when I was busy and I’d tell him not now. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I took him for granted. I thought we still have several more years, and now I’m questioning if I showed him enough just how very much I loved him. Did he realize it? Could I have done more? Did he think I was a good mommy? How do I move on when all I want to do is howl in pain?
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I am so sorry of the loss of your Beowulf and glad you stayed with him til the very end.

These upcoming weeks into the months are by far the hardest, this is all fresh, new and raw and you will have meltdowns on this path called grieving. Our love for our pets, I cannot even describe the love, but it is extra ordinary and they fill our worlds with so much love. I know waking up in the mornings was so hard because our babies were not there.

I have been posting on these boards since Dec 2015 when I lost my darling girl Munki and also Daizy that same year, then ff til Oct 2016 I lost my beloved Jemma and I do know the pain of losing our babies.

I know i was consumed with guilt wondering if i did the right thing, or if is should have waited, or if I could have done something different. I think the would haves and could haves cross all of our minds.

Please keep posting here and know that you are not alone, and my heart goes out to you at this time and your sweet Beowulf.


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I'm so, so sorry for your loss of Beowulf.  I know it's just devastating to walk through this and that the pain is outrageous.

You're certainly not alone in asking yourself a myriad of questions afterward. I think our minds want to replay everything and to ask every possible question, could we have done this thing or that thing better? And it's awful to have those self-accusatory thoughts ringing through your mind. I had some, for sure.

I hope you will feel a bit better as time goes by. I wish I could say recovery from the grief is quick but it is not. My heart goes out to you...

-Missing Marissa deeply
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